A Tiny Flickering Flame
At the time of writing, RATM (Rage at the Machine) joined our community over 2 months ago. He's about 25 years old, a lawyer and an unaffiliated Orthodox Jew, who never seemed to find himself in any particular 'conformist' community. He sent me his story a while ago and wrote as follows:
I was born into a very hareidi family... lots of brothers and sisters... my father is a well known posek and Rav... I learned for many years and even started on smicha... Since then, I've never been non-observant, chas veshalom, but I've rejected the seclusion of hareidi life in many ways (even if I do wear a black hat still on Shabbat)... To be true, I was thrown out on my tuchus from hareidi life... I was rejected by them and I returned the favor... Maybe this was my biggest mistake.... I now believe that it is better to live hareidi in a box than to go out into this disgusting world and live a "good Jewish life" out here... Anyway, I'm raising my kids hareidi (they go to the most hareidi of schools) but it's too late for me... I can never go back to live in the box... In a way, I've got no place to go... I don't want to be a Modern-Orthodox, I don't want to be hareidi, I don't want to be a part of any world... in sum, I dont belong anywhere...
Then he found GYE and seemed to feel quite at home! Within no time, he was an indispensable member of the GYE Family... Yesterday, RATM sent me an e-mail:
Whenever I feel the slightest spark of lust, I rage at my addiction, "Go to h**!! I WONT DO WHAT YOU TELL ME!!!!"... I say it over and over again until the addiction knows that it is going to need to get the h** out or get its backside kicked.... I have not slipped or fell or even come close since I've raged against the machine (66 days ago)... I sure don't want to start the count over again, I'm thinking of you guys 24/7... I can't escape you!!!!
If I was rich, I'd throw a lot of money at your work. I can't give you enough.... You are fighting the holy war.... Prior to my happening upon GYE, I saw this world as a world hit by a giant hurricane, tsunami and monsoon... the wave that can drown the whole world... Everything was destroyed, but more importantly everything was flooded... I thought G-d had lost the war (or just didn't give a damn anymore).... Then I saw you: a tiny flickering flame in a world completely wet... such a tiny little flame... there in the corner, flickering... not even a flame at all... more like a tiny dot of fire surrounded by water... but you flickered... and it gave me hope... and I huddled... we all huddle around your little flame... all of us at GYE do... And my ultimate dream is that the tiny little flame becomes a roaring fire that dries up the destruction of the wave... You certainly saved my life and my belief in Judaism and humanity as well....
I DO love you guys,