I know I'm probably making you crazy and all, but too bad; I must tell you that I downloaded the attitude handbook and was crying all night (Ok fine, it was morning already :)
So many of the thoughts expressed there put me at ease. I realized that I haven't been thinking of myself as a person lately, seriously. I just thought I'm behaving like an animal, and I stopped believing in myself after falling so far. I didn't even think of it as a "challenge", because I believed that I had put myself into this willingly. But now I realize that Hashem gave me these tests, and that it is part of my soul's journey.
Before I started having nisyonos in this area, I was very complacent about my yiddishkeit. Don't get me wrong, I was doing everything right, but in a "detached" sort of way. Then I cried to Hashem that he should help me be able to serve him better, and I remember now that not long after I davened for this (a few years ago as a teenager), my spiritual life became much more elevated. Now I see that this was probably because I was having a lot of spiritual tests then. So... maybe this addiction is actually the answer to my prayers! In other words, davka through this huge spiritual nisayon, Hashem wants me to draw closer to him! Isn't that an amazing thought?
The handbook expresses the idea that Hashem can put us into this challenge just so we can grow and become better Jews. That has really uplifted me, because until now I didn't feel worthy to fight, worthy to become close to Hashem. But the handbook helped me put it in the right perspective; that it's a nisayon just like all others and that I will overcome it, just as I have overcome others. This is not about me, it's about a challenge and mission that I have, in order to serve the almighty even better.
Another thing that really helped me, is this idea in Principle #17, and I quote:
"In general, those who struggle a lot with these issues, have a great deal of emotional and spiritual energy inside them. It is also known, that people with particular character traits, such as creativity, love for people and spiritual sensitivity, are more prone to seeking alternate expression for their inner strengths through a stronger than usual sexual drive."
I felt like I can certainly relate to that, and I had thought that my drive was only an animalistic desire until now. It made me feel much better.
Also this really helped:
"Even if we started to slip, we can achieve the greatest levels of Kedusha by stopping ourselves from sliding further."
This idea and the example of Yosef in Principle #22, helped me with what I told you yesterday, that "If I was falling anyway, I might as well enjoy it".
Also, lately I wasn't davening to well, feeling very far away from everything our Father in Heaven wants us to be, but the idea in Principle #26 was a strong wake up call:
"Am I an eved hashem because it's my nature and/or because it keeps me emotionally happy, or do I serve the Almighty because that's His will and nothing else?".
I know He certainly wants me to continue to daven and talk to him, even though it makes me feel bad/embarrassed, because its HIS will.
Additionally, I was trying to accomplish things like; "never again will I succumb to lust"... etc. But I've learned from the handbook now to try it just for the day, or even for the moment. As it says:
Therefore, when feeling weak we can tell ourselves, "Just for today, I will stay clean".
For the record, I'm up to my third day now. It was a bit hard today and I kept on thinking that "for this moment, I'll manage".
Thank you so much!!!!!