Progress not Perfection
I recently went thru my toughest and worst stage of my life.
I've always struggled with the internet and I've been constantly fighting. But last week, I broke my leg forcing me to stay in the dorm alone for a couple of days. I borrowed my friend's smartphone out of boredom and even asked him to restrict it but after a couple of hours, I broke the restriction. I went back and forth with guilt and sadness and "yiush" and fell again and again.
Eventually, I gained the courage and returned his phone. However, how to get the guilty feelings out of my heart and, most importantly, how to prevent it in the future?
I just read a Medrash today that asks, "Why does Hashem forgive the sins of the Yidden and not those of the goyim?" Answers the Medrash, that when a goy sins it's because he wants to throw off the yoke of Heaven. But when a Yid sins, it's only out of taavah or laziness, but deep down he really wishes he could do Hashem's will.
I can see from your words how much you want to do Hashem's will, but the pain, loneliness, boredom, and taavah overtook you and caused you to fall. You wanted your friend to restrict you, but it was too much to handle. And in the end, you gave back the phone and feel so bad...
Hashem loves you and understands you. He is so patient and caring and understanding. As long as you are trying, which you ARE, He gives us so many chances to do better. All He asks from us is progress, not perfection.
The Yetzer Hara wants us to feel down and dirty even MORE than he wants to get us to sin. Because once we feel that way, he has us wrapped around his little finger. Don't fall for this trick! You are a holy Yid. Be happy! Throw yourself right back into learning and don't look back!
Hashem is so proud of your progress, but if you just "beat this once and for all," you would be done with your tikkun. Hashem could take you back upstairs c"v if you finished all your work. But of course, you have much more work to do. Now it's time to take NEW steps, and work on NEW approaches. You can even turn the fall into a zechus if you use it as a LEARNING EXPERIENCE to figure out what caused you to fall and set up new fences. And you can use it as a growing experience to ask yourself which tools you have tried already and which you haven't yet. That's what life is all about, progress... falls, get up, more progress... until finally you FINISH your work and go back up to Shamayim after 120!