People who suffer from low self-esteem and/or depression are often more prone to addictive behaviors (be it alcohol, drugs, or lust). We use the addiction to "self-sooth" feelings of inadequacy, and to escape from ourselves and from the harsh world around us.
Also, the "low self-esteem" is - in itself - a form of addiction as well. "It" wants us to believe we are un-likeable, incapable, and that no one really cares about us. This is a kind of self-defense mechanism that we often use as a sort-of shell to hide within. Instead of facing our real issues (which we find too hard to face), we use "low self-esteem" to say, "Heck, we aren't worth it anyway; no one cares anyway; we can't anyway". etc. etc... and we close up within ourselves.
So what are the "real issues" that we are trying to escape from?
Usually, this is all caused by a general "disconnect" from life - and from the Source of life (Hashem). Through the 12-Steps, millions of people around the world have learned how to reconnect to life and to G-d, and they have learned how live right - so that they aren't so uncomfortable inside that they feel a need to act out (in their addiction) or hide within a shell of self-pity.
The 12-Steps also take work, but it's a very different kind of work than what we are used to. Until now, we worked hard in FIGHTING the addiction, depression, and the low-self-esteem. With the 12-Steps however, the only type of work we have to do is; show up for the meetings, follow the instructions to a "T", and take the program seriously (as if our lives depend on it - because it often DOES). But the "other" type of work that we are used to ("white-knuckling" it) will slowly vanish as we progress in working the steps into our lives and become more connected to G-d and to feeling His love, and as we learn to "get out of the driver's seat" and let Him take over...
Most of here struggle greatly with depression.
We are depressed that we are depressed.
And we are depressed that we are in this cycle of depression.
Firstly, I would like to clarify a major misconception.
Many people think that we are depressed because we are sinning.
And that our neshama is depressed, therefore we are depressed.
This is not true.
I strive to serve Hashem as much as I can (for the most part),
And I still suffer greatly from depression.
Depression can come from several reasons:
1) Chemical imbalance - This happens. Some people are just biologically prone to be depressed.
2) Emotional discontent - Lack of feeling of security, and the occurrence of bad circumstances.
There are obviously more reasons, but these are two major ones that I think are the basic reasons for depression for people like us here on the forum.
We are not to blame for our depression!
We are not bad people!
We do not "deserve to be depressed"!
Depression is not something to fight.
It is something to heal.
If it is chemical imbalance, medicine helps greatly for this.
We can accept what Hashem gives us with love.
Sometimes He gives us happiness, and sometimes He makes us depressed.
Reb Tzadok says that this is a great Kapparas Avonos (see Battleworn's post below).
Because, as we all know, depression is like hell sometimes.
So thank You Hashem!
More often, depression comes from feelings of discontent inside us.
All of us here have this.
That's why we're here, isn't it?
This is something we are working on.
It takes time.
It will be healed.
Do not worry.
So when you are depressed, don't say to yourself:
"Oh man! Why can't I just be happy?!"
This is where Hashem put us right now.
Thank you Hashem for making me depressed today!
If You decided that I should be depressed, then I'm happy with it!
(Notice the irony in that statement?)
(Irony? Or the solution?)
Don't say:
"Oh man! My davening now will be weak anyway.
Any mitzva I do will be weak.
I might as well not do it."
Wrong!
Hashem wants us to give Him what we have.
If all we can do is learn for 10 minutes, then that is perfect!
Not ok. Perfect!
He put us here, depression and all.
Don't beat yourself up.
Give Him what you got.
It's all that He asks for.
Pain and depression are topics that I have whole lot of experience with. First of all, about pain. Emotional pain hurts WAY more than physical pain. But the gain is according to the pain. Physical surgery involves physical pain and gives physical benefit. Spiritual surgery involves emotional pain, and it gives REAL ETERNAL SPIRITUAL benefit.
The same is true about the time issue. Physical surgery may take a few hours and benefit us for a few decades. Spiritual surgery may take a few decades (the Mesilas Yeshorim says that this is proof that this world is just a preparation for the next), and it benefits us for ETERNITY. The question is not how to avoid the pain, but rather how to handle the pain. When we learn to have bitachon and make our live's focus on "What do I need to do right now?" instead of being self-centered; when we develop an intimate relationship with Hashem, the pain becomes much much easier to handle.
Depression is a different question, because it is partially in our hands. In general, depression comes from the notion that things could have been and/or should have been different. So of course, as you strengthen your Emunah and Bitachon more and more, the depression gets less and less. But even more important, is the question of how we react to feelings of depression. We all know that depression is extremely destructive, so when we start feeling depressed, we tend to get very depressed about being depressed.
About 15 years ago, I learned the sefer Tzidkas Hatzadik. It had a humongously positive effect on my life, but there was one thing I couldn't begin to understand. He says (in #57) that Hashem gives a person ("mi she'zocheh - who is worthy") depression as a tikkun for his sins. (He explains that this is considered gehinom and such a person does not need to go to gehinom afterwords.) I couldn't imagine how this can be. To me, depression is the most evil thing and it brings a person down in the most vicious way. What kind of tikkun is that?
But recently, I was zocheh to understand. Everything that Hashem gives us is GOOD, even depression. The important question is - as always, "what do we do with it?". This is the key to a happy life: stop thinking about what you have or don't have, and start thinking about what you need to do. (That's other words for: stop living the problem; start living the solution). R' Tzadok is telling us the most genius advice over here. When you feel depression, instead of getting upset about it, REJOICE - thank Hashem for finding you worthy of giving you your tikkun the - relatively - easy way! Instead of getting in to a whole phase of depression, be happy about it!
When I understood this, I couldn't help but to picture the Yetzer Hara eating himself up alive over this discovery. If we can just internalize this, he's dead meat!
The past couple of days have been bad for me. I've fallen a couple of times, surfed a lot, and had many thoughts of suicide. But, yesterday I went to see Rav Shlachter (a religious sex-addiction therapist in Jerusalem, author of the book "The First Day of the Rest of my Life") for the first time. I think we connected, and I liked what I heard from him. I left him with a feeling of hope that I haven't felt in a while. I was actually somewhat happy this morning. I am scheduled to see him again next week.
It's disappointing that many people seem to join GuardYourEyes and run with the 90 days thing, while I've struggled and really tried for the pst 8 months, without being able to pull off significant stretches of staying clean.
I think the answer is, that for some, this site is enough. For others, like me, we need more help. We need to find out the root of why we go to the internet in the first place, and replace our subconscious needs with something more positive and constructive.
Like the GYE handbook points out (as you progress through the 18 tools), there's a solution for everyone - but we just have to find it. And it's different for each of us. Ask yourself: "Do I need therapy? And if I am already going to therapy, am I seeing the right type of therapist for me?" Also ask yourself, "Can I benefit from the 12-Steps? And if I am already in a 12-Step group, am I really working the steps with a sponsor?"