It's Just Not Fair!

by Menachem from GYE (See all authors)

It's Just Not Fair!

Question: I’m 18 and according to Chazal I should get married. It is just not fair! My desires and urges are so great but I have at least 3 years to go until I get married! Sometimes I just feel like giving up. What is the proper outlook?


Answer: First of all, Hashem sent your neshama down in the 21st century when it's customary to get married late, so that means this is the challenge your soul needs.

Secondly, even married people have urges and desires that they can’t give in to. The Gemara tells us stories about great Tzaddikim who had urges, for example R' Amram Chassida and others... The Gemara also says כל הגדול מחברו יצרו גדול ממנו - The greater you are - you more urges you have.

They way I see it, married people have their own share of nisyonos, such as honesty in business, finding time to learn and daven properly while juggling family and work/parnassah etc.

As for singles, most mitzvos are [relatively] easy to fulfill, so Hashem gives us one mitzvah which is really challenging, that will prove our loyalty to Hashem and help us achieve greatness.

Each time we win a battle with the yetzer it's a huge achievement and it makes Hashem very proud and brings him lots of נחת רוח, like the avodah of קרבנות. Only instead of slaughtering an animal, we're "slaughtering" our yetzer.

Hashem gives each person a unique mission - and if we are challenged in a certain area, that means that for us Hashem has chosen this area to be part of our mission.


Question: But are there any solutions to the urges?


Answer: You're looking for solutions to become an "urge-less" person? I think the Anshei kneses hagedola tried such a experiment once and it didn't turn out too well (See Yuma 69b)

There's a nice quote in Sefer Chassidim (Siman 100 - I think it's based on Avos d'rabbi nosson): "When a person subdues his yetzer hara, he receives 100 times more reward than when the yetzer hara does not seek to entice and pressure him [to sin]. Therefore, it is preferable for a person to accomplish a mitzvah that the yetzer hara seeks to prevent him from doing and subdue his yetzer for the sake of his Creator, than to do other mitzvos to which the yetzer hara gives no attention."

Think about how Yosef felt when he was approached by אשת פוטיפר ... Was he in a normal situation? There were Chassidim in Russia whose wives had no access to Mikvah, and were also in really "impossible" situations... But they managed.

If we put it into perspective, we don't have it that hard after all. If someone would give you $100,000 for each year you stay clean till you get married, would you agree? We get something like that, but more! לפום צערא אגרא


Question: Whoa, what a thing that would be. $100k! It is hard though, not to feel the reward of our mitzvos.


Answer: Specifically because the reward is delayed we get much more. It's like U.S bonds. Yosef didn't see big rewards at the time... he just landed in jail.


Response: That is a very comforting point. I thank you for this tremendously...