I'm sorry to say I had a fall yesterday. I didn't post right away, cuz I was depressed. I was extremely MAD at myself and I felt soooooooooo lost. I hated every part of me and my animalistic desire to sin. The feeling of shame trickled down all over my body. I felt oh so far from Kedusha, so far from Hakodsh Boruch Hu, and couldn't even bring myself to talk to him. It was pure agony.
I slept it over and thought a bit. I tried taking some of the anger and directing it towards the sin and towards the forces (YH) that are making me vulnerable to it, instead of directing the anger at myself.
I reviewed the Attitude Handbook and found solace in it once again. (Thank you GYE, I could never do it alone!) Some excerpts that helped me:
Quote: Now matter how much we have fallen, we must never view ourselves as "despised" by Hashem, or imagine that Hashem is annoyed and frustrated with us. Instead, as we learn to give over the addiction to Hashem and trust in Him to take it away from us more and more, we will begin to feel that Hashem is truly our closest and most eternal friend.
Despised was exactly how I felt. I was already 13 days clean beforehand, feeling much better, but my relationship with Hashem hasn't been growing so fast. Perhaps it was too slow and Hashem desired something more. "Hashem is truly our closest and most eternal friend", how I hope to feel that some day!
Quote: What makes a person great is his ability to get back up, despite his falls. And davka by having to renew your determination from the ground up, you will be rocketed into a much closer Kesher with Hashem than you ever had before!
This was really comforting. The first line is a cliché that people are always saying, but the next few words render it so true. This could be the way to get a closer connection with hashem!
Quote: Rabbi Nachman also said: "If you believe you can destroy, believe you can fix".
Efshar L'taken. I sang this song in my head all day, it has empowered me to finish my first clean day again. After all I do, Hashem in his infinite kindness, gives me another day, another tomorrow, which I can fill in the best way possible. Isn't that the greatest gift of all? :-)
"7Up" posted on the forum:
Yesterday was day 25 and I got as close to falling as I have so far. But before I acted out though, I made myself picture a scale. On one side were all the seconds of sobriety that I have accumulated over 25 days. Did you know that 25 days has a whopping 2,160,000 seconds? On the other side of the scale, I imagined how many seconds of pleasure the fall would bring. Maybe 10? The equation was so clearly off that I lost interest immediately!
Often times I thought, what does the Y"H want from me? Am I going to take this with me to my kever??
The answer is - morai virabboisai - there are yiddin here on the forum who are living proof that it is never too late in the game to change course!!!
Bardichev's words really resonated with me. The concern that I would take my sins to my grave was what really got me going. It is true that it is never too late to change, and it is also true that it is OK if I fight the YH till the day I die. That will actually be the biggest Zechus. We are not fighting the YH as a process to get through in order to be able to get back to normal life; the fight with the YH is the essence of our existence and that is what will stand before the Kisay Hakavod on the Yom Hadin Hagadol. And I hope that my place will be close to the Tzaddikim who inspire us with their battles on this site every day!'
A new member who calls himself "needSomeHelp" just found our website and began his journey to 90 days clean. He posted today on the forum:
So I woke today feeling a new found spirituality. Don't ask me how... Maybe it was that little prayer I said when I woke in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep, and having my son sleeping next to me, I davened for Hashem to remove my stress and He did! So when I woke this morning to go daven, and I had never really paid attention to the words in davening before, but my gosh, how much there is just in brochas to combat the YH, I was like, WOW.... Hashem gave us the tools every morning to combat the YH and we never use them! So after davening, I got in the car to go to work and the perfect song came on: "Hamelamed Torah" from Yaakov Shwekey. And driving to work and listening to this song, I don't know what came over me, but I started to cry. I felt the small pipe to Hashem become a huge pipe, and I felt as if Hashem opened all the communications, just like he removed the stress last night. And it was like He was saying: "you have nothing to worry about my son, just keep on this new found path and I will keep you from all evil" and it feels amazing!