That Very Day

by Bairach Bakol (See all authors)

I've been acting out and looking at inappropriate images since the age of 12-13. With a computer in my room, the internet and its poison filled my heart and mind at a very young age. I was a top Bachur, and I was sure marriage would solve the problem, but it didn't. I had ups and downs over many years... When I was down, I felt like a zombie, detached from my other 'very religious self', a hypocrite, etc...

During one recent clean period, I asked Hashem to help me make this not just "another" clean period, but my teshuvah shleimah before Him...

That very day, my wife confronted me that she found shmutz on her computer and asked me to explain... B"H I admitted everything to her and explained that I was on the path of recovery and that the shmutz was old.

(Interestingly enough, I read in Tzidkas HaTzadik last night that Hashem will sometimes put in our heart to daven for something in order that he can grant it to you, which is the meaning of the famous Gemarah in Brachos about tefilah shegurah).

Upon my wife's prompting, I went to see my Rosh Yeshiva and we spoke for a little while about my past issues and he told me that he wants to be my support if Chas Veshalom I ever fall, and he wants me to periodically check in to tell him how I'm doing.

I have been reading the handbook nearly every day and I've been reading chizuk emails each day as well. I'm close to two months clean and I'm extremely grateful to GYE and recognize that I almost certainly would not be where I am today without it.