Reaching 180 Days!
I am so deliriously happy with reaching 180 days sober!
I remember reading a post a short time ago of a GYE member who is also a Ba'al Koreh in shul. He said that when he read Shir Hashirim in shul he got quite emotional. I really relate to that. It shows the stark difference between how low we became with these actions and the kedusha. That sudden realization brings on tears of joy!!!
In short, I was into P___ and Phone S____. It was only by the grace of G-d that I was not into much worse. It took me forever to get frustrated enough to decide a major change was necessary, much later than I should have.
I remember 180 days ago when I had my last fall. I need not explain the flood of low emotions that such an experience brings on. I had had it. I needed to do something to change this horrible cycle of Teshuva - acting out - depression - resolve to quit/teshuva - acting etc.
I remembered that picture of the guy drowning in the GYE ad. So I looked up the site and became a member of the forum. Once I came onto the forum, Hashem helped me in a most profound way. I racked up day after day of sobriety. Slips came about mostly in the first 65 days, and now B"H rarely indeed. It is through GYE that Hashem has helped me, and to the participants of the forum I owe an enormous Hakaras hatov.
I look back at my early posts and realize how much I have grown. What I realize now is simple and second nature, but in the beginning it was not so clear. Examples:
- Acting-out has a lot to do with underlying emotional needs, like anxiety and fear. It is a sort of quick fix, a drug of choice, if you will, to alleviate an immediate emotional discomfort.
- At first I was so delighted that I was not acting out, I did not put enough importance in shmiras aynayim on the streets. I would look away, but what was so bad if it took a couple more seconds? I was taught this is so fundamental. Do not separate what you think is the big stuff and the small stuff. They are both big.
- I learned to sacrifice enjoyments if they are possible triggers, like watching goyish movies and spending time in places that have pritzus.
I used to get so down when I read "VELO SASOOROO ACHAREI LEVASVCHEM VEACHAREI AYNAYCHEM ASHER ATEM ZONIM ACHAREIHEM". Now I beam with pride that I am on the right road. I used to not be able to look people in the eyes. I thought they probably could see that I have P___ eyes. Even though I learned Torah and had weeks or more of stretches when I did not indulge in the forbidden. Now I have no problem looking at people. No insecurity in that regard.
I am so much more relaxed. I can multi-task easier. If I have stretches of time alone, I do not have a sudden zombie robotic slave-like urge to to something filthy and stupid.
I am thrilled beyond thrilled.
I love and appreciate all the participants in the forum.
If you love someone you wish them the best. I WISH YOU ALL SOBRIETY (Can you think of something better?)
May we all get sober AND STAY THAT WAY so we can be the true YIRAISHAMAIM and AVDEI HASHEM that we were born to be.