Wednesday, 08 February 2012

Mazal Tov to "ClearEyes613"

Part 3/4 (to see other parts of the article, click on the pages at the bottom)

by Clear Eyes (See all authors)

Day 43:

I carry GYE around with me, literally in my pocket. This, for me, has been instrumental in fighting my addiction.

"Shvisi Hashem l'negdi tamid" - the principal idea is the first thing brought down in the shulchan aruch for a reason. When I acted out I would consciously or subconsciously push, hide, or ignore Hashem. How else can we view those images on the screen for hours on end? Today, I may not be at the level of "shevisi Hashem" but I can tell you that "shevisi GYE l'negdi tamid" has been a lifesaver.


ClearEyes Gives Chizuk to a Fellow Member on Day 52:

1- Take it one day at a time. You only need to worry about today. Not about making 90 days.

2- Give it over to Hashem. Realize we have no control over our addiction. Tell Hashem your problem, your lack of control, and that any control is really from Him, and ask if He could switch this desire - which would move you away from Him - to a desire to move closer to Him.

3- Nu, you have an urge, so what? We can't possibly reach 90 days without any urges. We may have days of feeling above the addiction, but most days it will be there. We do our best to avoid all triggers, the rest just "is". Just because an urge is building does not mean we have to act on it.

Hope this helps. It just helped me.


Day 56:

I recently experienced a fear of going back. I do not feel the same level of fear anymore, but I do remind myself daily of how I am not the one in control, but Hashem is. Anyway, during this fearful time I would say, "Hashem, please help me not go back". After a few minutes of this, I got more scared and I started to cry out tearfully, "Nooo! Hashem, I can't go back!!!!!! Please don't make me go back!!!!!!", over and over. (I wasn't interested in "help" or "trying", I have fallen so so so many times in the past already, I was sick to my stomach. I was done going back. DONE).

A positive state of mind is very important, but I've recently learned not to have any expectations. "Expecting" to feel a certain way and then not feeling that way, leads to depressed feelings. A few weeks ago, I thought that being clean makes you feel holy. This is 90% false. Nothing good comes from this. You will occasionally feel good about yourself for being clean, but this feeling does not come often and can not be relied on. We don't control our emotions. I found that removing this expectation of "feeling good about myself" has helped me tremendously in my battle.


Day 60:

Every Yomim Noraim I would ask Hashem for life and the good things that come with it. And of course I told Hashem and myself how bad I feel, and how this year I will be clean.

This was not working so well for me, and after doing it for so many years I was getting sick of it.

Last year I prayed differently. I was sick of my yo-yo life. Up - down, up - down, up - down. Day after day, week after week, and year after year. And before long, decade after decade. I knew that no matter how hard I davened, no matter how much I cried, no matter how honestly I felt that I would not go back, it would not last, like every year before.

So I cried and cried some more. 'lechayim Tovim' - Good Life?! What's this?! hmmm... to be written down for a good life this year. Well, there was only one thing I could think of that would make this year a good year. And it wasn't winning the Lotto. It was to break free of my life-long addiction, to put an end to this yearly predictable ritual during the high holy days.

So I begged and I begged.

Hashem, I don't need life, what for? I am screwing it up anyways. You want to keep me around another year, fine, but on one condition, You give me a good year. Hashem, I am sick and tired of these bad years. I can't live through them anymore. I can't. Hashem, I want; no... I need a good life. I need one. Living with this addiction is not life! Please, please, please, I am begging You, write me down for a good life!!!!
Ten months later. Months of struggling. Months of ups and downs (with a lot of downs). Hashem answered my prayers. I certainly forgot what I asked for, but Hashem did not. He answered me. He sent to me His loyal servant Reb' Guard along with his holy army on GYE.

Thank you Hashem!!!! Thank you for the gift of life!!!! Thank you for making it a Good life!!!!! Thank you for 60 clean days!!!!! Thank you!!!!