Wednesday, 11 May 2016

I used to think I was shmutz

The following is an e-mail we received from a girl who was helped by GYE, who goes by a nick Blueberry:

by GYE Member (See all authors)

As my wedding day approaches, I feel it as an obligation to tell you a bit of my story, and how GYE came to the rescue and brought me to where I am now.

I was born and raised in a very frum community in Brooklyn, where I lived in a very abusive home. My parents have been and still are the worst there could ever be, ruining me to pieces. I had managed to stay normal, so to speak, until I left school, which had been somewhat a protection for me. As I went into the real world, I found myself all alone. I started working but I was an emotional wreck by then. No one could've gotten out unscathed from such an unhealthy environment.

My parents thought I was crazy and sent me to some counselor, who himself became part of my emotional and spiritual destruction. A year passed, and I stopped seeing that guy; he was a no-goodnik for me. I began seeing a new therapist but she didn't do a thing.

By that time, I was on Facebook and chatting with all sorts of guys and boys. Soon, I became a full-fledged porn watcher. And if that wasn't enough, I hooked up with some boy that I met on the Internet and we met quite a few times... I was heading in a very dangerous direction. I was a crazy kid with raging hormones who was risking her sanity and health to fulfill my lustful needs. At one point, I started taking meds because I was so out-of-control.

Nothing stopped me. I was on the verge of going all out with that boyfriend of mine. I didn't care. I was broken and pained. I suffered the heck of a life, and I figured, I'm anyhow messed up, I might as well get the best out of it.

Thankfully, that didn't happen. Hashem saved me at the last minute. He knew me well enough, and He knew that it wasn't me that was doing all this. It was my sickness, my brokenness.

When my boyfriend traveled overseas to go back to yeshiva, I felt lonely again. But that's when GYE came to the rescue. I remembered seeing an ad once on a news site and I decided to give it a try. I was utterly amazed. Before I first joined in May 2012, I thought I was probably the only kid out there suffering from this problem. I was so embarrassed, and that's why I never shared my story. It brought me to tears seeing how much people suffer but they are like one family, caring and supporting each other.

It didn't take long until I became a member. I felt at home. I loved everything GYE had to offer. I made some wonderful freinds, and received the support and chizzuk that was unbelievable. The daily emails were my lifeline. I drank in every word like this was the only thing I needed. I couldn't get it anywhere else. I was hungry to hear some encouragement!

At one point, I had no access to the Internet, so I gave it a shot and slowly started to wean off porn. In the beginning, it was torture for me. I felt like I was going crazy... but I worked really hard. On the other hand, I was into a lot of self-gratification, and that gave me the pleasure I craved. But I was sick and tired of living such a life. I felt disgusted, animalistic, and shameful! I so badly wanted to be like everyone else around me.

And it wasn't long to come. Because I had GYE as my pillar of support, along with my therapist, whom I slowly started to trust, I was able to slowly recover.

What GYE did with me was unreal!

In middle of the summer, I emailed one of the moderators of the women's forum, and I must say that never in my life have I met someone so supportive and caring and loving. And all anonymously! The long emails I've been getting still keep me going. I was given tremendous insight and support, all just because I'm a Yid, another child of Hashem. As I mentioned, I hated myself for who I was and for what I did, but the Mod really put things in a different light. After a while, I was able to love myself, to look at myself from a different angle, and it gave me strength to battle my addiction. I didn't feel so alone.

I got engaged in middle of the summer, and now... now I'm mere days away from building my own home. Sometimes, I think to myself that I don't even know how lucky I am to get to my wedding still clean, still as a kosher girl. Who would have believed this?

I don't know how I would've been without the support of GYE. So many things changed from when I started out on my journey. You taught me so much, gave me so much!!! You merited to bring me back on track. What you have accomplished, no one else did.

I used to think that I AM shmutz, I AM lust!!! It's me, my essence, who I am, and it defines me. But you taught me otherwise. I then knew that it wasn't me. It was just what I DID! What my yetzer hara, or rather sickness, told me to do. YOU SAVED ME! You gave me the tools to keep on going. I was in a huge, wide world where no one cared for me or helped me but for you! If I am still alive, sane, and healthy, it's all your credit, GYE, B'eH.

With tears in my eyes, I thank you , from the depth of my heart!

May you be zoycha to continue doing your holy work constantly, and help others like me. May Hashem repay you for everything you did for me!

Sincerely,

Blueberry