About 9 months ago, in the throws of the addiction, I woke up one morning feeling that I no longer recognized myself. I don't know what it was, but a terrible sensation tore through me and hit me at the very core. "What happened to me?" I thought. "Where did the old me go? And who is this guy who's taken over? He scares me!".
All my relationships were broken. It wasn't that people didn't try to lovingly reach out to me. It was me, throwing away my family and friends! I didn't let anyone in! I barricaded myself into my own life, my own mind, caring nothing about anything that had no relation to me. I was so preoccupied in seeking out my own gratification that it didn't occur to me that there were other people. The vibes I gave off shouted out loud: "Get out of my way! This is all about ME!". And that's exactly what people did. They gave me my own space!
Though I had always prided myself being very studious, my interest in learning Torah was rapidly deteriorating. I'd get up sometime late in the afternoon, switch on my computer and start my day. Within minutes, I'd have dozens of porn sites open in front of me, in front of which I'd sit for the remaining part of the day. Since I had effectively chased everyone away, my room became my own personal space where I could act out for hours undisturbed.
Acting out for hours at a time, I left no time in my day for G-d. Davening didn't happen! For an entire year, I didn't ever daven a full davening, let alone an entire Shmone Esrei. I'd grab my tefillin minutes before sunset, quickly throw them on, and mumble bits and pieces of the Shema. My tefillin would be off before you could even say "Boo!", and so that I could quickly get into the next porn video, I wouldn't even wrap my tefillin up. I'd throw them on the side, where they'd wait until the next day. Sometimes I was so caught up in what I was doing, that I'd look up at the time and realize that it was already night and I hadn't even put on the tefillin. Sadly so, nothing meant anything to me anymore! To me, the Shulchan Aruch was nothing but a book! There was nothing left but the addiction! And it had robbed me of my life!
It's not that this all happened suddenly. I mean, I did see the digression. But it didn't occur to me that it would be this way. I've always looked at it as something very external to the real me, and that with work, I'd be able to make it go away. I never had a problem representing utmost frumkeit when I was in public. But here I was, having gone through scores of Mussar and Chassidus seforim, and even self-help books, and I remain the same! I'd made vows, kept a journal, wrote a 5 year life plan as well as a mission statement, but nothing had ever helped.
In despair, I took out a pen and wrote a letter to my Rebbe and mentor (in the World of Truth), the Lubavitcher Rebbe:
"In tremendous pain I write to you about my present state. I don't recall a time in my life where I have ever sunk to such great depths. In my present state I am completely absorbed in bad things - and in a constant way, growing and continuing by the day. The days of old are no longer!
I write to you in concern to matters pertaining to my learning, to my davening, in keeping Shulchan Aruch ( - simply keeping halacha), in regard to my personal character, and in matters of which I relate to my fellow man.
Even if I do manage to pull myself out of this terrible state and to focus my energies in good things, I feel as if nothing is able to effect me in an internal way, and everything remains superficial.
Not too distant from the time of shidduchim - a new stage in my life, I am completely distraught and in search of guidance.".
Putting some action behind my words, I pulled out a deck of index cards and began jotting some notes for myself. You see, a few days earlier I had watched a movie (and I don't condone movies here) which had really struck home. In this very realistic movie portraying an inside peek at the life of a sex addict, I watched how his addiction was destroying his marriage. There he was, acting out, unable to stop himself even at the verge of divorce.
Somewhere in the movie, his father, feeling that there was a lot of tension in his son's marriage, attempts to help him. His father hands him a book with 90 pages - an exercise a day, and tells him that if he applies himself to the what is written in the book, he will see a most rewarding marriage. For the remaining part of the movie I watched the progressive change take place. On the first day, he brought his wife a bouquet of flowers (which she immediately tossed in the trash), followed a card, a cooked meal, and a clean house. Eventually, and after many tests, the man reaches the last and final pages of the book where he is asked to remove anything from his house which blocks him in his relationship with his wife. He decides to take the computer (which his wife despises) out of his house, and smash it into bits. His wife, seeing his commitment to her over the last 90 days and finally with this, can't hold herself back from loving him again.
For me, this wasn't just a movie. It was a strong lesson in the only way I'd understand. When I finished writing my letter to the Rebbe, I decided that I'd have to take the same kind of steps, doing selfless actions for those around me. That movie really made an impression on me!
This is when I pulled out these index cards and began listing out all sorts of selfless actions or approaches that I could adopt. In the cards that I'd incorporate into my life (one or two cards a day) I wrote the following:
Each morning, just after getting out of bed, I'd shuffle the deck and select a card. That card, together with yesterday's card, would be my mission for the day! Since then, I started to see a change in myself. My world suddenly wasn't so dark anymore! Slowly but surely, people began relating to me in a whole different way. This was my first step on the road towards improvement!
It was shortly after, that I was led with Hashem's guidance to GYE!
I encourage you to apply this into your own life. I guarantee that if you apply this - one or two cards at a time, together with the guidance of the 12-Step program, you will see a very very powerful recovery!