Pleasure That is Not Mine
I have been grappling with a problem. My Filter had a loophole which when manipulated, allowed real nasty images to pass through.
I was Mekabel a while back to contact the filter Gabai and have the problem fixed... I tried a few times but kept on missing him.
Lately, I confess, I would often manipulate the loophole and do that which I ought not to do...
I have given it some thought and it hit me that what I am doing is wrong. I however felt that it was too hard for me to give it up. I am too used to this... Where will I turn for an outlet?
But recently, I decided that to reap life's true benefits I need to make tough choices....
Viewing those images and doing what I did, did in fact provided something. I will not deny that.
But it is a pleasure that is not mine. G-d provides me with the right amount of opportunities for pleasure that are right for me; this is not one of them! It's cheating. It's taking what is not mine.
I believe that if I let go of this Pleasure I will gain other pleasures: Perhaps a connection to G-d (which is something I want so badly), or perhaps a happy and fulfilling marriage. Or maybe just a general sense of wholeness, fulfillment, accomplishment, etc. Who Knows?
But one thing is certain: I will become more elevated....
And I do believe that in the long run, cleanliness provides - or allows - for a genuine feeling of connection, wholeness, etc.
I am overjoyed to share with you that just a few hours ago I have in fact removed the stumbling block!!!
I really felt like I was given a Nisayon and I exercised Bechirah to choose Life!
This may seem trivial to some, but it took a lot to find the strength within me to give that up...
L'chaim - this is LIFE!!!!
This is where the action is at!!!
This is what I was born for!!!
If this is all I accomplish in my life, I am happy to have been put down on this world.
The Medrash says that for every SECOND of withholding a forbidden pleasure, we get a hidden light which cannot be fathomed by a single angel or being!!!!!!
Is this not worthy of celebration!!!???
Lechayim! Beautiful. Getting rid of the loophole was an important step. It means you took an ACTION to solidify your new found "realization".
You see, "realizations" alone don't last very long in addictions. We can't think ourselves into a new way of living. We need to take consistent ACTIONS of recovery, in order to LIVE ourselves into a new way of THINKING.
And that's what you're doing. Keep up the good work.