I want to share with you a beautiful story of recovery that someone posted on www.jewishsexuality.com. The story contains tips and ideas that can help us all in this struggle, but what I found the nicest about it, is the simple no-nonsense outlook that the writer has, accepting the fact that Hashem put us in this situation for a reason, and that with hard work -and over time- we can fully break free.
Along a similar vein (to this outlook), someone recently shared with us a beautiful Shiur that offers some really important perspective and YESODOS in dealing with these struggles (many of the ideas are from the Steipler). I hope to send some Chizuk e-mails in the future about the main points of the Shiur, but whoever would like to listen to it can download it from here - very highly recommended!
I am a religious orthodox person who has grown up with a religious (frum) education and social circle but tragically fell victim to internet pornography at about 16 years of age.
Two years of yeshiva followed by further education, and until recently I really struggled with internet pornography.
I am a very sensitive and spiritual person. I also have many good qualities and have seen many wonderful opportunities and employment taken away from me - as a consequence of low self esteem and low confidence that has resulted from pornography. It has been so severe the I have twice become depressed and suffered great mental anguish and pain.
However, in hindsight, these are some of the moments that now give me the greatest STRENGTH and DETERMINATION to remain clean.
I always felt that I had inner power of strength and determination, but truth be told I did not understand what such qualities (and blessings) really were... until now.
For many years, the temptations of internet pornography were too strong to resist on a weekly if not daily basis. I often think about the quantity and quality of time that could have been better spent, in addition to the waste of holy seed. I always made an effort to correct my ways, but grew complacent.
However, through light meditation and heartfelt prayer on a regular basis, I was able to slowly but surely intensify both personal power and my decision making ability to recover from this problem. The pornography had become a habit that possessed me for many years, day and night, but I knew that G-d, Hashem (Bless His Name) wanted me (like He does every one of his people) to correct my misdeeds and recover from this temporary sickness.
Internet pornography may be difficult to resist, but my personal story and reflection PROVES that any person CAN and MUST gain confidence in him or herself and increase oneself in EMUNAH (belief) through light meditation and prayer.
Baruch Hashem I am now able to honestly and with dignity say that I feel ready, strong, healthy (emotionally and mentally) and close to Hakadosh Barach Hu to pray for and - PLEASE G-D - be blessed with a suitable women to marry under the chupah.
May Hakadosh Barach Hu bless you and grant you success and energy in your endeavors and effort in acheiving a Teshuva Shleimah.
What a person needs when struggling with desires or temptations that are self destructive physically and spiritually, is primarily STRENGTH and DETERMINATION. Ultimately, the aim is to live your own life in accordance to HASHEM'S RATZON (will).
Strength is best defined as persistence in overcoming obstacles and avoiding to meet the enemy on the same path. We all have personal challenges and problems, but how to respond is the key to the success. The main purpose of life is freewill - CHOICE (bachira). A person needs to understand the root of each behavior and action, i.e. the cause of the desire, and the desire itself. This is best understood through internalization, by way of meditation and prayer.Determination follows from the above.
In the repentance (Teshuva) process there are three main stages: CONFESSION, FORSAKING SIN, and REGRET.
Once a person forsakes the sin and resists the temptation that is clearly evil and self harmful, only then can the determination to abandon such harmful misdeeds really kick-in.
Of course, the temptation is extremely strong and to be able to resist wrongdoing is painful at first, especially once it has become a habit. It is important to know though, that the strength of the desire to sin is more powerful at first due to the fact that the root of the sin has not yet been corrected, i.e. through complete repentance.
However, prior to any chance of the possibility of overcoming temptation, a person needs to make a firm DECISION and take measures or make barriers not to cross the RED LINE. Simply consider the CONSEQUENCES in both the short and long term. These may include loss of self esteem and destroyed confidence, which ultimately negatively affects personal relationships, employment, life-opportunities, etc... and can go as far as leading to broken marriages, G-d forbid.
All of the above should be applied on a momentary basis. That is, for some people such a decision or act of strength (gevurah) may be once a week, every day or even on an hourly basis.
It is vital that if a person slips up, G-d forbid, that he retain a positive attitude and perceive it not as failure or weakness but as a step forward.
In such circumstance, such a person must make every endeavor to immerse in a ritual bath (mikveh) at the earliest opportunity. It is taught that a person should ideally stay under the waters (when immersed) for at least a few seconds and to concentrate (kavanah) on Teshuva as part of the repentance process.
Understand further that when a person has immersed in the waters (of the mikveh) in addition to a purification, it is also a change in status from impure to pure.
This is an opportunity for such a person to follow by praying with the depths of one's heart and to call out - ideally with tears, as part of the repentance (teshuva) process.
Such a person is truly on the way to making progress and building a foundation of strength and determination, which will ultimately bring them closer to Hashem.
Please understand that this typically does take time to 'learn oneself'. The objective, in summary, is to understand the root of the misdeed in order to find inner power and strength to take responsibility - via a strong decision - and to better one's life by being much closer to G-d, Hakadosh Barach Hu, who has blessed His holy sons and daughters with an ongoing opportunity for TESHUVA.
RECOMMENDED READING: The Gates of Repentance (Rabbeinu Yonah of Gerona), Waters of Eden (Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan), The Garden of Emunah (Rav Shalom Arush/Rabbi Lazer Brody).
RECITE 10 CHAPTERS OF TEHILLIM (CONCENTRATE!): 16, 32, 41 ,42, 59, 77 ,90, 105, 137 ,150)
I sincerely pray that you find INSPIRATION (chizuk) and BLESSING (baracha) in your yearning for strength and determination to become close to Hakadosh Barach Hu.