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Do you Really Want or Just WANT to Want?

GYE Corp. Saturday, 25 February 2012

I remember a while back, I posted about my struggles and how I wanted to change, and you asked me if I really wanted to change. That rubbed me the wrong way a bit, because I felt you were minimizing my efforts. But now, being honest, I see that I still wanted to hold on to the lust as a "back-up plan" for when things got really rough. So you were right, and although I was trying hard, I was also fooling myself at the same time. I wanted to want, but I didn't fully want. I wasn't ready for that kind of commitment. Now though, I feel that I really, really want it, and I'm willing to give up the lusting 100%.

One of the things that impacted me and helped me reach this decision is something you quoted in a chizuk email. You had a special chizuk email when "7Up" reached 90 days (#572 on this page) and you quoted from her the following:

"NOTHING is more important to me than Ratzon Hashem. Daily, I daven with all my heart that I should be a source of a kiddush Hashem and for the chance to grow closer. I would do ANYTHING to reach this goal. Even giving up all physical pleasure on every level forever, would be a small sacrifice towards that goal".

It seemed from the chizuk email that this was the turning point in 7Up's recovery, and this attitude is what enabled her to reach 90 days. You have to be VERY committed to write that. It hit me like a ton of bricks because it didn't come from a 20 year old, but from a grown woman. I then understood that one has to have that level of commitment before really succeeding.