Two months later… Yocheved writes:
Really stuggling. About 5 months of nidda now, on my way out the door to the mikva, and the last bedika is no good. This is the 6th time this happened.
I lost all chaishek to keep any of these halachos. If I ever need my husband’s closeness it's now and I don't understand why I'm being tested like this when clearly I can't pass.
I cried all day today because I knew that it wouldn't work out last minute.
I think I'm going to need trauma therapy for this. I'm at complete loss.
GYE Responds:
You are obviously being tested now by Hashem in a big way. We can't understand His ways, I wish I could help more. Perhaps the second part of an article I recently wrote (here) can help give some perspective and chizuk.
But "giving in" to the desires is simply not an option, even if you feel the test is simply too great. It's like saying, "I am in too much pain now from stubbing my toe, so I will jump off the roof and end all my pain". That's not an option. Is it?
I know how difficult this can be. I remember once after birth when it was already almost two months, I was in so much pain that I lay on the ground and cried to Hashem to help me surrender to His will.
We need to try keep perspective of how much we have to be thankful for. Would we rather be sick with cancer c"v or suffer from a long niddah cycle? Who knows what Hashem is trying to save us from when he gives us suffering and tests. We must believe it is for our benefit.
By keeping the halachos, you are giving Hashem your heart and showing Him that His will is what really matters to you more than anything. This is a once in a life-time opportunity that can define your entire life! When you come up to Shamayim after 120 and the prosecuting angels claim that you were only frum because it was "convenient" for you but not because you loved Hashem, the advocating angels will point to this difficult period to prove that you loved Hashem more than the things that meant the most to you, and with this proof - you will be uplifting the divine service of your whole life!