Wednesday, 14 December 2011

How do I get out of this Pit?

Is it weird that I am learning in Yeshiva and having these problems?

by Elya (See all authors)

Someone asked:

I don't really know where to start, I'm pretty much crying over here... I am 19 years old studying in a Baal Teshuvah Yeshiva, I bet this sounds weird - a kid in yeshiva coming to you with this issue, but I am so lost in life, I don't know what to do. I am on the computer a lot and can sometimes masturbate 3 times a day. I feel so disconnected from women and from Hashem, I feel no spirituality, even going to minyan is a struggle. It's not that I haven't tried to stop - I have, but I always end up justifying it and saying 'just this once and then tomorrow never again', but obviously I say that many, many times. Please, I want to feel connected but I'm stuck in this pit. HELP!!!!!!!!!

Advice from Elya, moderator of a Phone Conference and Hotline

It does not sound weird at all to hear from you. I work with and help guys who have been learning in Kollel for years, Rebbes, Teachers, Dayanim, etc. You are not alone. That is why this website exists, to help people struggling with masturbation and other things. There are over 1,500 frum people on the e-mail list alone.

You have an addiction - which is a disease of connection. As long as you keep looking at porn and masturbating, you will have no connection to Hashem or women. When you honestly can say you want this connection, then you are ready to make a decision. Either continue to act out and eventually get worse, or get into a program where you can get some help and figure out what is causing you to want to jeopardize your life masturbating 3 times a day. Here are some ideas:

1. If you're learning in Yeshiva, why do you need to be on a computer? It's like going to the mikveh with a cockroach in your hand. Turn it off, get rid of it. If you HAVE to have it, put a block on it so you cannot access porn, videos, Utube, news, etc., all of which are triggers. See this page of the website for advice on how to install a good filter.

2. Read the GYE Handbook. There is also a hotline in Israel for you to talk with someone and there are SA meetings to go to. If you have time to be on the computer, you have time to go to meetings. It is the medicine for healing in this disease.

3. This addiction usually means you are "medicating" some anger, fear, loneliness or stress. It's a vicious cycle which you can and must break. You feel stress, so you masturbate to feel better, you feel guilty and shameful so you masturbate again, and over and over and over. I believe you now see how powerless you are over this disease and how your life has become unmanageable. Only Hashem can restore you to sanity. But when you're an impure vessel, Hashem will not fill you with his Goodness. You must clean the vessel and Hashem will pour HIS blessing into you. You must give up the struggle to control it and accept that whatever is happening in your life is Hashem's will for you. So there is no need for stress or worry because Hashem is taking care of you in a Yeshiva where people care about you. But if you're off on the computer all day, you can have no connection to Spirituality, Hashem, friends, women, etc.

4. Make the decision right now to turn your life over to Hashem, honestly daven and ask HIM to help you stop just for today and you will see that it gets easier. And then you will begin to build back your relationships with HIM, and everyone else.