My Way Home
This is an abbreviated and simplified but completely true version of my story. I appreciate the opportunity to be able to share it here. Please feel free to share feedback with me at Vehkam7@gmail.com (I get much chizuk from feedback).
I started my journey full of energy and light,
excited by Mitzvos, learning day and night.
I thought I was immune, had not much to fear,
just keep to the Torah, he won’t get very near.
But the yetzer hara had other plans,
he knew I had desires just like every man.
The pictures I looked at, the things I read and saw,
then there was no stopping I wanted more and more.
In middle of Seder, in middle of sleep,
into my mind those images would creep.
Pleasure won’t change you, you’ll still be the same,
But when I succumbed I only felt shame.
My dreams were abandoned, goals put to rest,
to the outside successful, inside was a mess.
Slowly the failures took over inside me,
when I looked in the mirror I didn’t know who I see.
No longer learned much, didn’t hang out with yidden.
Spent money and time on things surely forbidden,
I hid my tracks well, don’t be caught was my rule,
only me and Hashem could never be fooled.
And then the Daf Yomi at MetLife so proud.
"Next time I will finish with the rest of the crowd".
And for brachos Daf beis at a shiur I was sighted,
and from deep within me a small flame ignited.
Day after day I would finish the blatt,
straddled both worlds - both of them - a lot.
But inside my neshama was now awake,
I couldn't ignore it, could no longer be fake.
The struggle continued another whole year,
chasing life’s pleasures yet a heart so sincere.
A moment of clarity, it all made no sense,
Please Hashem help me, unstraddle this fence.
So I made an account on the Guard Your Eyes site,
resolved to try hard to put up a fight.
While I hoped to succeed, in the right time and place,
I fully expected to fall flat on my face.
I posted my story, my hopes and my fears.
The hole that I’d dug my pain and my tears
The responses were helpful, I was no longer alone.
It took some more weeks but I picked up the phone.
I spoke to a mentor, he understood.
I started to believe if I wanted I could
put all this behind me in a way that would mean,
I could live out my life with a slate that was clean.
Then Hashem helped me, Hillel S. wrote a book
“The Battle of the Generation” changed how I looked
at my relationship with Hashem, who loves more than a father,
and Who was waiting all these years, while I just didn’t bother.
From the time that I realized Hashem wanted me back,
all that bad stuff I was doing just stopped in it’s track.
The desire to please Him and reach levels much higher,
has helped to extinguish any harmful desire.
Now I know that this feeling is a gift from above,
and I must work to continue to serve Hashem with love.
For so many years that needed correction,
I can’t be complacent, I need that connection.
My Father in Heaven, can I express even a fraction,
for allowing me back in spite of my actions?
I took one step towards You in the hopes to repair,
and you showed me so clear that you always were here.
My dreams once abandoned are now back in place.
I want only one thing, to live in Your Grace.
Excited by mitzvos, learning day and night,
I continue my journey full of energy and light.