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I'm in an emotional relationship with a girl, what can I do?

the.guard Thursday, 31 December 2020

"Shtarkandemotional" writes on the GYE forum (click here for the full thread):

I’m a very frum Jew in yeshiva and in a very meaningful and emotional relationship with a very frum girl... We’re both yeshivish background and it’s a secret! I never thought I would be posting about this but I’m here today struggling... Looking for anyone with similar challenges... I’m a big learner and want to be good, but I can’t learn as well nowadays... Can anyone relate??

"YeshivaGuy" Responds:

I’m gonna speak my mind a bit, and please forgive me if I’m being too forward.

Listen, I’m from a modern backround, I’ve had shaychus to girls...
I know it’s beyond hard to resist, especially the emotional aspect. And feeling like u got so much in common! Ah, yup I’ve been there...
But u should know the Emes, even if ur not yet holding by living with it.
The Emes is that in the long run, life will be much better if you wait until you're married/dating to engage in such a relationship (I’m not even discussing Halacha, I’m talking about Olam Hazeh).

Honestly, it’s not like I’m perfect myself, though I’ve become frummer, I’m still nichshal once in a while and talk to a girl (though have been doing way better b"h), so I’m not giving mussar, I’m just sharing my thoughts as a friend who understands...

The problem is, you feel so emotionally attached/invested, and it would be so so so super insanely hard and painful to agree with her to wait/pause the relationship for the time being.
I understand buddy.
There are different eitzos we can discuss bezras Hashem, if you’re interested...

I hope I’m not overstepping my bounds, especially since I don’t know you.

I had an encounter with a certain girl last year during an off Shabbos, Baruch HaShem we didn’t touch, but it got close...
I really liked her, we were so similar and really “clicked.”
I wasn’t able to concentrate in Yeshiva for the next 3 months.
It killed me. I kept replaying the night over and over again in my mind thinking “if only.”

This stuff kills one's learning, man.
It kills ones focus, concentration, davening, etc.

There's only one eitza.
An eitza that has caused much pain in the immediate aftermath, but much joy and serenity in hindsight.
Go cold turkey. Break it off for now.
I'm speaking from personal experience.
It's super duper hard and we can shmuze about how to do it, but it’s kedai.
It’s the only way, man.
No other eitza.

You have a wonderful bright future ahead of you.
Invest now in your learning 100%.
The Torah/other things can fill up the emotional void for the time being.
Obviously there comes a time where one needs to get married, but as a bachur it’s toxic to one’s spiritual growth.
It's not worth it.

Don’t get me wrong, it could be she’s your bashert and you will one day marry her!
But right now your Avoda is to invest in your Self. Your learning, davening etc,
So that when you find your bashert, whoever she may be, you will come into that marriage better prepared to build a Bayis Neeman B’Yisrael of Kedusha v’Tahara.

We’re here for you, one step at a time.

"Hashem Help Me" Responds:

There is a great video from Rabbi Dovid Orlofsky titled "The Platonic Relationship". In his very funny style he crystal clear shows why this relationship must end ASAP - obviously with gentle care and concern - but it must end. Watch and listen and you will have clarity. May Hashem give you the maturity courage and strength alnog with seichel how to do this properly and may you have tremendous hatzlocha in your learning and in all areas of your life.

The booklet "Dear Bochur" discusses platonic relationships on page 15.