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What is Hashem looking for us to do?

GYE Corp. Thursday, 22 March 2012
Part 2/2 (to see other parts of the article, click on the pages at the bottom)

Dov Responds:

Ditto; Guard and London both said it better than I could. One Question though:

Are you alone in this "fight"? Meaning, are we "forum people" the only other people with you?

I ask because I'd never have gotten any sobriety had I been alone in any way. I needed fellow addicts - fellow "losers-against-lust", to see and talk to daily. I would never have worked the steps alone.

The tendency of most guys I meet (including myself) is (1) to deny that they are actually out of control in their behavior, and (2) almost as soon as they have a period of sobriety, they start to doubt inside (where it counts), that they are still unable to struggle and win against lust. They thus renew their "lust license" and feel they can safely lust "a little", and the result is that they "fall".

I have come to see that I have never had a problem with lust - and likely never will again, without first subconsciously renewing my "lust license". If I want to stay sober I must always remember that I simply cannot struggle with lust at all. That means I have no business looking at - or even thinking about - things that will begin the struggle. Among them are: "hey, what would have happened if..." and "I wonder if she...", and other greatest hits like; "I know I could've beaten it last time if I would've just stopped after...".

If I was doing this without meetings, a sponsor, and daily contact with other addicts, forget it. I'd have gotten permanently lost in the gaava of "I can beat this! (with Hashem's help of-course, whatever that means)", or "I'm better now", or "if I can't understand the Steps, I won't try them", you know, stuff like that. I would still be trying to do it my way, and I'd certainly be dead by now. Really.

So consider reading the first couple of chapters of the AA Big Book and see if your story is similar to Bill's (or read SA member stories in "Recovery Continues"). It was only possible for me to finally get better once I accepted that I was not just another guy with a real bad Yetzer Hara, but actually an addict, just like the drug addicts on the news.

This may be hard to accept, but I consider it just another madreiga of "Lev Nishbar veNidkeh Elokim Lo Sivzeh - G-d does not forsake a broken and subjugated heart". The heart needs to be broken when will-power is not enough.


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