You've Already Won
Ashrecha! You have an ongoing, open-ended license to 'fall'. That will not go away. Even cutting off body parts will not take it away, cuz there will always be a way...
So, ashrecha v'ashrecha that you are reaching out in time of pain or trouble... What else do you expect to really do after so much practice with hiding? You have 'won' already, in my opinion.
Anyone can wish he'd "finally quit and get better", but people make this giant leap from the "silently aching and wishing stage", to the "really wanting freedom" stage, and some even expect to just automatically find themselves at the "totally through-with-it and giving-the-stupid-lust-up already" stage. I think that's totally unrealistic, really.
It seems obvious to me that had I not gone to meetings and talked out the facts about myself and what I really want, they'd have remained bottled up in my head and never, ever had a chance to become real - i.e. to become attached to my behavior. Feelings are cheap. And while talk is cheap as well, there is something to 'hearing my own mouth describe me' that does something. It brings it a little step closer to the real reality: my actions. When I consistently see it in my actions, I will know that it is coming at least a little bit from my heart, my ikkar - not just from my brain. Having a pretty brain is nice, but anyone can be no'eh doreish, right? For addicts and the like, no'eh doreish was where it all stopped. Here on GYE, we can share the unattractive stuff about ourselves - the stuff about us that scares the h--- out ourselves. (And sharing it with real, live people helps us out even more! Machshova, then dibbur, then ma'aseh... As it says: "b'ficho - then bilvov'cha la'asoso".
So take it easy, trust Him to help you, and keep trucking (not 'fighting', trucking!)