Sunday, 15 January 2012

Don't Get Stronger, Get More Help!

by Dov (See all authors)

Just a suggestion, to a sweet yid who is obviously moving in the right direction but still hurting a bunch (like most of us here on this heiligeh network):

Maybe instead of throwing down anything like a 'gauntlet' to lust, consider getting more help than before, with the understanding that you will not get stronger.

I am not at all stronger than I was a year ago! But be"H I am safer than ever now, because I have more help now than I have ever had. And it has been years since I had to think things like, "was that considered a 'slip'?" How's that? Because I make more calls when I feel off-balance now, not fewer calls; I take far fewer risks just to satisfy the false god in me called 'Desperate Curiosity'; my filter works better - because I never test it; I have less shame about the truth about myself and my screwiness so I have fewer secrets; I have fewer stupid motivations inside me, so I have fewer resentments and fears. I am 'lighter' today, thank-G-d. I continue to "lose extra weight" as a result of working this recovery.

It takes time, and it never ends till we are dead....kind of like Life - because that's what it is!

I am not telling anyone 'the way it is' - just sharing how it works with me. I do not get stronger and have no interest whatsoever in 'getting stronger'. If you offered me the ability to withstand all the tayva in the world, I'd turn away in a second. I want a safety with G-d, not 'power'. Otherwise, it begs the question, "Is my struggle a big cosmic accident?" He is not like a Superhero - running to 'save me' when I am in trouble - ridiculous! Rather, all my problems are only refuahs that look like makkahs - ways given to me to grow closer to Him, and only that.