Scream For Help
Someone wrote on the forum:
I'm trying to defeat this giant, and I have faith that I will... I'm done. I just can't live two different lives anymore. I'm a Jew and I'm so very lucky to have a beautiful wife who adores me.. I better quit while I'm ahead... I'm sorry and embarrassed of my actions. I'm not saying that the Yetzer Hara is going to quit whispering in my ear, but I'm going to "Change the Channel" in my mind when he does... I'm confident that HaShem is doing things in my life right now... I feel like I'm going to be Ok for the first time in a long time... I can't look at filth and look into the face of my beautiful faithful wife that HaShem has given to me any longer.. Please forgive me HaShem..
I love "Change the channel"! Thanks - I hope to use it the next time you-know-what....
Now please get your fur-lined, regulation, chassidishe boxing-shtreimel on now, OK?
I have heard remonstrations (look it up, it's really a word) just like this from many folks, many times.
Your sincerity is not in question. All I come to say is that I do not know personally of anyone who was able to "defeat this giant", as you called it, on their own.
If you would be alone c"v in a dark alley and accosted by a few big thugs with knives, would your reaction be, "hmmm, I trust that Hashem will give me the strength to beat this crowd (like Bruce Lee in the movies), and I'll be OK"? I think most of us would assess the situation rather quickly, realize we have no chance, and start screaming for help. Perhaps you believe it's best to at least 'go down swinging'.
Well, in this problem, there is no 'going down swinging'. It gets ugly in a hurry, and gets uglier still, and remains ugly, spoiling it for those around us, r"l.
So, scream for help. Consider giving up the fight with this giant if you believe that it's really too big for you. SA helped me do just that, and helped me learn how to actually depend on Hashem rather than just talking or acting as though I put it in Hashem's hands, while really depending on myself. Anyone can say they depend on Hashem. But for me, the only way to eventually truly come to do it, was (and still is) through admitting utter personal defeat. It seems I am just too screwed up to help Him take care of me, and I need to get the heck out of His way basically.
Nu. It's really a wonderful derech avodah, and life is better for my wife, who likes me a lot, too.
You may now remove the bumper-shtreimel safety device and get to work in whatever way you see fit. The road is rarely smooth, but Hashem will be with You as long as you don't give up asking for help!