Thursday, 01 December 2011

His Mission is to Kill Us

hizuk e-mail #814, Dov wrote that we addicts often treat the addiction as we are supposed to treat our relationship with Hashem... For example, as the Pasuk says in Tehhilim, "Lo Ayacheil" - we "hope" to the addiction to provide our needs in the same

by Dov (See all authors)

Where I quote 'lo ayacheil', with respect to the problem, the way it actually works in real life is that many folks sacrifice chunks of their life - their spirituality, their relationships, their families, and jobs. So, in a twisted and very sad sort of way, the first part of that posuk also applies: Hein yikteleini - lo ayacheil. It is twisted, but the reality is this: 'Even though my addiction is killing me (and I often wish I would just quit), I see that I still run after it at great personal sacrifice!'

It is so precious for me to see that it is really true for me. As the Nesivos Shalom writes, the mission of the YH is not strictly to make me do aveiros - it is to kill me. That is, to destroy every aspect of my life, relationships, parnosah, self-concept... not 'just' spirituality.

And addiction is parallel to that - it is about destroying everything. Sometimes even for those attached to us, like our friends and families.

But strangely, that is the addiction's very undoing! Just like the Melech Zokein Uk'sil - the very success of the Soton leads to his own failure and destruction. In the case of an addict, life becomes progressively uncomfortable until eventually we each need to choose between extreme pain - and recovery. By the Chessed of Hashem, I chose life. May I only chose life today.

Tov v'yoshor Hashem - Hashem is so very Good! Al kein yoreh chato'im baderech - For he throws down (as in "yara bayom" by the yam Suf, and "yaroh yi'yareh" by Sinai) the sinners onto The Path (of correction). The problem I had forced me into recovery - the refuah is before the makkah. Indeed, it is the makkah itself!

May Hashem help us convert the makkah into the refuah sooner, rather than later, by admitting the truth about ourselves and getting out of His way. That takes some work. And as far as I am concerned, that is the message of the 12 steps.