The Music Will Become Beautiful To You Too
Dear Reb "Feels-He's-Worthless",
The door is open for you no less than it is for anyone else, and it takes time. So relax and ask Hashem to help you out of this mess on His schedule. You are reaching out to friends - it's about time....don't give it up now, OK? Keep on going this way and find safe, understanding people you can post to, email, and eventually even talk to. I don't recall ever saying that one cannot recover without the 12 steps, but I see hope in your recognition that the strains and pains of real life are related to your mishega'as, as they are for me and others like us. If you want to use the 12 steps (or part of them), then do it - just not alone again...that's been the problem. Isolation is a killer that allows guilt, pain, self-pity and self-loathing to fester and multiply like crazy. Dayenu, no?
You are wallowing in painful, awful guilt, it seems, for decades. It is actually beautiful that you are admitting that openly, and it is mechazek me in my own struggles, so thanks for the beautiful music. Keep at it and the music will slowly, over months and years, become beautiful to you too. And even your wife will begin to hear it when she is ready.
You are not alone, at all....unless you choose to remain so. You are certainly lightyears ahead of many out there who are still sold on the great 'value' of hiding their pain and disgust in the dark.