Almost a year into the Rosh Yeshiva's own recovery, he finds himself once again on the verge of a big fall. Lust has overtaken him suddenly, and he feels powerless against it. And just as he begins the process of falling to the depths once again, his cell phone rings...
At first, I chose to ignore it. In such situations I have no strength for anything, I don't want to speak to anyone; I cut myself off from the world. But for some totally unexplained reason, I picked up the phone and glanced at the number to see who dared disturb me in this critical moment. It took me a few seconds to register that it was actually him.
"Ribonno Shel Olam, why is this happening to me? From all people in the world - it has to be Yerachmiel? What does he want from me? He never calls me on his own, even though I did tell him again and again that he can call me any time he wants. But now?!" For a moment I thought that I wouldn't answer it and would get back to him later - after I finished taking care of myself, but something inside me decided otherwise. I pressed "Receive".
"Yes?" I said - without making it obvious that I knew who was calling.
"I'm so sorry to bother the Rosh Yeshiva", Yerachmiel began. Tears choked up his voice. "I simply don't have where to turn. I feel so powerless. Lust attacked me out of nowhere, without any prior warning, and the temptations I feel now are so strong that I can't overcome them. Why, precisely now when I'm in such a good place and feel so much better about myself, suddenly everything is turned around? I so much don't want to fall again because I'll know how I'll feel afterwards, but the temptations are stronger than me, I can't overpower them! Believe me Rebbe, I tried everything. I even reviewed in my head all the talks that we had in the past, but nothing helps. The Rav has no idea how hard it was for me to call".
He was silent. I could hear his deep breathing. "How, in Heaven's name", I said to myself, "am I to help Yerachmiel to do something that I myself cannot do? Yerachmiel is a thousand times stronger than me. How transparent am I being if I even try to help him! Chaza"l meant exactly my situation when they said 'Fix yourself before you fix others' (Baba Metzia 107b) and 'preach well and practice well' (Chagiga 14b). I'd better hang up and explain later that my battery died".
But something inside me called out: "Come to your senses! Take yourself into your hands! This is not the time for self-pity. Yerachmiel needs you now more than ever. You must get a grip on yourself and be there for him, because you are the only person in the world that can truly understand him". I closed my eyes and tried to distance myself from my situation and think about what Yerachmiel was going through at that moment.
"Yerachmiel dear", I began, "I know how hard it was for you to call me, and I am so glad you called! Regardless of what will happen, whether you fall or not in the end, the simple fact that you called proves to me once again that my good impression of you is 100% correct. You are a super-hero! After all, we spoke about how even if sometimes we fall, we win many more times, and what you did right now is a perfect example of that. Just by calling me, you have already won the Yetzer Hara. What did you think - that precisely when you are doing so well and are feeling happy and fulfilled, the devious and cunning Yetzer who knows you so well - will just stand on the side and surrender without a battle? Of course not! He knows your tremendous longing for perfection, and he understands that precisely now, a fall would cause you to get down on yourself and enter into a whirlpool of self-pity, from which the path to hopelessness and closing up is short indeed."
All of a sudden, the reality of what I had been in the midst of doing struck me. "Yerachmiel", I said quietly, "would it be Ok if I called you back in a few moments?"
"Sure" he replied.
I quickly hung up and realized something incredible. The Lust, which only a few moments ago had burned in me with all its strength, had disappeared as if it had never been. "What is a man like me doing here?" I asked myself. I stopped what I had been doing, gathered myself together and left the room.
This is the first time in my life that I left a situation like that without feeling deep regret and self-pity. This time I left with my head held high. I had been on the very edge of the abyss - and yet I was extricated. My heart filled with a deep sense of fulfillment.
The power of having a sponsor in this struggle cannot be underestimated. And often the partnership helps the sponsor just as much, if not more, than it helps the newcomer. (To try and find a partner/sponsor, see here.
I took back out my phone and called Yerachmiel back...
"Hello Rebbe", answered Yerachmiel. I could sense in his voice that he had waited for this phone call with baited breath.
"I'm sorry I couldn't talk earlier", I apologized, "but now I am totally with you".
"The Rosh Yeshiva won't believe me", said Yerachmiel, "Rebbe must have special powers, because something incredible happened: as soon as we ended our conversation I started to feel a lot better about myself and the lust became much weaker. I don't have any rational explanation for this. It truly seems that just making the phone call did the trick. Now I feel a lot stronger, and I think that this time I'll be able to overcome it and not fall. For the first time in my life I was able to really fight back and prove to myself that I could do it."
"Do you see what happened here?", I asked. "The Yetzer Hara wanted to cause you to fall, and that would have caused you to close up and cut yourself off from reality. But you chose to do exactly the opposite. You called me, and the simple fact that you called, renewed your connection with life. And that is what took all the air out of the bubble of lust. Kol Hakavod to you, my dear Yerachmiel!
All Hashem really wants from us is to try. When we are facing a test that looks stronger than us and we feel we won't be able to overcome it, all we need to do is simply lift our eyes to shamayim (heaven) and ask "Father! Help me!" and immediately we will find new powers within ourselves that we didn't know existed before. Like Chaza"lsay: "Open for me a door the size of a needle head, and I will open for you doors that wagons and oxen can pass through" (Shir hashirim Rabba 5:3). Let's meet this afternoon in Yeshiva and drink Lechayim in honor of today's victory".
Yerachmiel obviously didn't know that I had my own personal victory in mind as well. "I'd love to", he answered, and as I hung up I thought of the words of Chaza"l: "Even if a sharp sword is on the edge of your neck, don't hold yourself back from divine mercy" (Brachos 10a). How hidden are the ways of Hashem! How Hashem wondrously worked things out so that two people standing powerless against an attack of lust, ended up helping each other to overpower the lust and win!
Hashem just asks of us to do what we can, whether it means heartfelt teffilah in a time of a test, or getting an accountability partner who we can talk to when feeling weak. The addiction wants us to disconnect from life, but a partner in this struggle helps us reconnect with life and the world around us - and thereby prevents the falls.
When we do our Hishtadlus, we are wont to discover new powers inside ourselves that we never thought we possessed. Also very often, the very act of Hishtadlus causes the bubble of lust to pop, and it becomes much easier to deal with.