Personal Advice from the Author of the book
"The First Day of the Rest of My Life"
Let's say I finally found myself a quiet corner where I can be alone for a few magical hours and disconnect a little from my day to day troubles, to refresh myself and get some new strength - what's wrong with that? What, I don't deserve to enjoy myself a little? Who does it bother exactly if I sit at the computer and surf porn sites and watch sex videos? When I imagine that I am one of the actors in the movie, I can actualize my wildest fantasies through them. And all this, without leaving the framework of my life, and without even doing such terrible aveiros like arayos and other prohibited sexual relations. And when I'm done and I got my pleasure, I return to the world of reality with one click of a mouse. What a wonderful solution!
So I thought. And indeed, at first this all seemed ideal. Things that used to stress me out and cause me sadness and depression suddenly stopped bothering me. My state of mind, which used to be unpredictable, became much more stable, until everyone - including myself - believed that I had become much more calm and pleasant to be around.
But this was all an illusion. In truth, instead of learning to deal with difficulties, disillusionment or even plain boredom, I chose to disconnect and run away. A process of withdrawal from life began inside me. Instead of building up my personality, communication with others or even work, I found an easy place to run - to the world of fantasy, enjoyable to my eyes and heart. And from there to complete surrender to fantasy and lust, the path was short indeed. Very quickly, I became a total prisoner, chained in the shackles of sexual addiction.
True, in life there are many difficult situations. Sometimes the pain is so strong that we feel we can't bear it anymore. And it's only natural that we should seek a magical corner of our own, where we can rest and sooth ourselves, without any criticism or demands; a place of warmth and love where everything goes; a place with no limits or prohibitions; and most of all, a place that gives us the feeling we exist and are alive.
This is exactly how tens and hundreds, if not thousands of our sons and daughters - all from ostensibly from "good homes", feel in the beginning. And before our astonished eyes, they sink into internet addiction, sexual permissiveness or any other type of addiction. (See this story from today's news for an extreme example).
However painful or surprising this may sound to you, they are 100% correct. What good reason do they have to give up on these powerful arousals and exciting temptations that they experience in the fantasy worlds that they create for themselves? They have long since learned to detest "self-righteousness" and stale preaching's of rebuke. They are sick and tired of hearing what they are supposed to - or not supposed to - feel. And more than anything, they can't understand how people who are supposed to love and accept them for who they are without any preconditions, throw on them, morning and night, their disappointments and hopes for them that never materialized. And if all that was not enough, they add insult to injury by using every type of manipulation to get them to feel guilty about the suffering and - "as if" - pain that they are causing them, while trying to instill fear in their hearts using graphic descriptions of the terrible suffering that awaits them in the world to come.
And all this, before they even had a chance to experience this world - even a little, and to feel the most important and vital of human emotions; feelings of belonging and acceptance.
Let me tell you a little secret that may sound strange to you. You too, in their place, would not act any different.
Disconnecting from the imaginary world of fantasy and sensual stimulation and reconnecting anew to life, can only happen in one of two ways:
Either somehow in the beginning, before things have gotten out of hand and they have caused irreversible damage to themselves, they will have the good luck to happen upon realistic, obtainable challenges and goals, and through them, they will find fulfillment and belonging. And only if these positive feelings will be stronger and more fulfilling than the imaginary feelings they created for themselves in their fantasy worlds, will they succeed in disconnecting from their destructive behaviors and reconnecting to life.
Or, chalilah, they will undergo what I and many others underwent. And that is, that they will wake up a few years too late from their sweet dream into the harsh reality of a life that is too difficult to bear, alone and hurting, and find themselves bound from head to foot in the chains of addiction. And only after many more wasted years of unimaginable pain, of hurting others and those close to them, of wasting time and destroying their souls, of creating cycles of lies and deceit in order to hold onto their "comforting" addiction, will they finally come to their breaking point. And then, and only then, coming out of feelings of utter helplessness and despair, will they be ready to totally surrender and give themselves up to the higher power, and through that, begin to reconnect to life.
It is indeed possible to prevent the fall into addiction in the first place. But to do this, one needs a creative and practical approach that includes, for example, finding realistic and easily obtainable goals that will give the potential addict feelings of fulfillment, existence and acceptance. And this will allow them to reconnect to life and use those positive feelings as a counter-weight against the never ending arousals and imaginary feelings of "existence" that the world of addiction offers them.
I reached my own "moment of truth" only after many long years - way too long - of unimaginable suffering and pain. Only then, when I stood completely alone opposite the mirror and looked myself in the eyes, I began to understand that if I want to live there's only one way for me to get out of my impossible situation; to take complete responsibility for my own destiny. But how? Firstly, by admitting to the simple yet painful truth: I am sick with a harsh disease called "addiction", and there is no chance for me to recover with my own strengths; I need help.
I pray and hope that the book I wrote ("The First Day of the Rest of My Life") will find you a moment before it is too late, and that you will be saved from all the unnecessary suffering.
Like we said, the path to recovery from a strong sexual addiction - or any addiction for that matter, begins with the simple understanding and recognition that I am addicted and need help. But what to do from there? What is the next step? To whom do we turn for this intense - yet sensitive - issue?
The subject of sex is intimate, sensitive and personal. In the religious camp, this subject is labeled as "Taboo" and guarded under a stamp of holiness and purity. It is very difficult for us to discuss these issues even with those closest to us, and it is especially difficult to reveal the deep, dark and painful aspects of our open sores before a stranger. This, on top of the fear that our secrets will leak out to the public and we will become a mockery and be scorned in everyone's eyes.
All this and more: For addicts, their addiction is an existential need, like their air to breath. And therefore addicts will do anything - literally anything, and resort to any means, to remove anyone or anything in their path that wants to break through the protective walls that they built around themselves. In light of all this, it is very difficult for an external source of treatment to succeed.
So, if - in spite of the above - we have reached a willingness to take a gamble and reveal ourselves before another person with the hope that this person can help us deal with our addiction, it is vital to know to whom it is worthwhile to turn for help, in order to save ourselves from further grief and unnecessary expenses.
There are many therapists who claim to deal with the field of sexuality in general and addictions in particular, but there are few that truly do possess the tools to deal with this complex and delicate issue. Besides for professional training and much clinical experience, the therapist should also be someone with a highly developed self awareness and an intelligent and keen sensitivity. In addition to all this, it is preferable that the sex addiction therapist themselves have had personal experience in dealing with some type of addiction, whatever it may be, since the psychological processes in the various types of addictions are extremely similar.
From my own personal experience I have discovered, that even if in other fields of treatment the therapist need not have experienced himself the illness he is treating, the situation is different with addictions. The best addiction therapists are particularly those that have dealt themselves with obsessions and addictions, because only they truly understand inside out, the psychological processes of the addict and his method of thinking.
Today's e-mail is the final e-mail from the book
"The First Day of the Rest of My Life"
To download the entire set of translations as a PDF file, click here.
Are there medical treatments that can help with recovery from sexual addiction?
The phenomenon of sexual addiction is fueled by two central components.
1. Compulsion - which is the main fuel of addiction, is responsible for a strong need to be in control. This does not allow any external source to break through our protective walls. There does however exist effective medical treatment that can reduce the flames of our protective system, thereby opening a door for a professional and trained body to penetrate the walls we have built and help us deal with the range of our deepest fears, many of which we are not even aware of. The therapist can help us progressively get to a place where we feel more secure, and can help restore our trust in ourselves and in the world around us. Only then, under close professional supervision - and not on our own, can the dosage of the medication be progressively lessened, until we no longer need it.
2. The heightened sexual drive of a sex addict is different from person to person. Modern medicine offers medication and shots that can suppress the sexual drive to the point of chemical castration. I do not want to get into in this complex issue, but it is important for me to emphasize that if the sexual addiction is harming others, as in cases of pedophilia or rape, it is forbidden under any circumstances to wait. One must seek urgent counsel with a psychiatrist and take immediate action to prevent the next victim.
On its face, it seems like a relatively simple solution to the problem of addiction: As soon as signs of compulsion appear, let the candidate for addiction take the magical medication against compulsion, go for psychological treatment - and presto, all is well! Could this be? In reality, medical treatments are not a simple matter at all. First of all, medications against compulsion do not take effect right away, but rather only after taking them consistently for a long time. Besides, they often carry side effects, and therefore they require psychiatric supervision and follow-up, both before and during the taking of the medications, and it is prohibited - and dangerous - to stop taking the medications at once.
And herein lies a common problem. Accepting to take medication under supervision for a long time, goes completely against the compulsive nature of the control-addict. We can't expect the compulsiveness to act irrationally honorable and allow itself to self-destruct so that the compulsive person can take the medication that is to fight against itself. And therefore, many times when people suffer from compulsiveness, even though they understand on a rational level that the medication can help them get out of their difficult situation, they still somehow manage to evade taking the medication, while using various lame excuses. And even when they do start the treatment, they often quickly stop, start again and stop again. Ironically, those who end up taking the medication for the long term, are usually those who have suffered to the point of complete surrender, as we discussed in the previous e-mail.
There are many support groups to treat the various types of addictions. These groups work according to the 12-Step traditions, and their most sacred principle is that of anonymity. In other words, the members of these groups introduce themselves only by first name and don't give out any identifying details about themselves, like where they live or work. They also accept upon themselves to discuss what goes on in the groups only within the framework of the groups. This complete and zealous guard over secrecy gives the addict a sense of security and is one of the most important tools in restoring his trust in himself and in the world around him.
To all those of you who recognize that you suffer from addiction, I strongly suggest joining one of these addiction support groups. There you will also find the literature that will teach you about the steps and traditions.
And as you have reached here [the end of the book], I am sure and convinced that Hakadosh Baruch Hu will help each and every one of you to find the best path to save yourself from yourself. And [as Rabbi Nachman usd to say]: "The most important thing is not to fear at all".
As long as the candle is lit, one can still fix... R' Yisrael Salanter.
Rabbi Ya'ir Shochat, author of the book "The First Day of the Rest of My Life", helps people today to deal with sexual addictions. You can speak to him for free on our Israel Hot-line (call from the U.S as well).
See this page for more info.
The above e-mails are excerpts from the book. To order the (Hebrew) book on-line click here.
Be mezakeh the rabbim and pass the link or file on to your friends, Rabbeyim, Rosh Yeshivos, etc. The religious public needs to be made aware of the phenomenon of sexual addiction in the religious community and learn how to handle it in the most sensitive and effective ways.
Who knows how many "Yerachmiels" there are out there that can still be saved if only our community leaders, Rosh Yeshivos and Rabbeyim have the knowledge and wisdom that are revealed in the book and translated in this PDF file.
To download the entire set of translations as a PDF file, click here.