Personal Advice from the Author of the book
"The First Day of the Rest of My Life"
Let's say I finally found myself a quiet corner where I can be alone for a few magical hours and disconnect a little from my day to day troubles, to refresh myself and get some new strength - what's wrong with that? What, I don't deserve to enjoy myself a little? Who does it bother exactly if I sit at the computer and surf porn sites and watch sex videos? When I imagine that I am one of the actors in the movie, I can actualize my wildest fantasies through them. And all this, without leaving the framework of my life, and without even doing such terrible aveiros like arayos and other prohibited sexual relations. And when I'm done and I got my pleasure, I return to the world of reality with one click of a mouse. What a wonderful solution!
So I thought. And indeed, at first this all seemed ideal. Things that used to stress me out and cause me sadness and depression suddenly stopped bothering me. My state of mind, which used to be unpredictable, became much more stable, until everyone - including myself - believed that I had become much more calm and pleasant to be around.
But this was all an illusion. In truth, instead of learning to deal with difficulties, disillusionment or even plain boredom, I chose to disconnect and run away. A process of withdrawal from life began inside me. Instead of building up my personality, communication with others or even work, I found an easy place to run - to the world of fantasy, enjoyable to my eyes and heart. And from there to complete surrender to fantasy and lust, the path was short indeed. Very quickly, I became a total prisoner, chained in the shackles of sexual addiction.
True, in life there are many difficult situations. Sometimes the pain is so strong that we feel we can't bear it anymore. And it's only natural that we should seek a magical corner of our own, where we can rest and sooth ourselves, without any criticism or demands; a place of warmth and love where everything goes; a place with no limits or prohibitions; and most of all, a place that gives us the feeling we exist and are alive.
This is exactly how tens and hundreds, if not thousands of our sons and daughters - all from ostensibly from "good homes", feel in the beginning. And before our astonished eyes, they sink into internet addiction, sexual permissiveness or any other type of addiction. (See this story from today's news for an extreme example).
However painful or surprising this may sound to you, they are 100% correct. What good reason do they have to give up on these powerful arousals and exciting temptations that they experience in the fantasy worlds that they create for themselves? They have long since learned to detest "self-righteousness" and stale preaching's of rebuke. They are sick and tired of hearing what they are supposed to - or not supposed to - feel. And more than anything, they can't understand how people who are supposed to love and accept them for who they are without any preconditions, throw on them, morning and night, their disappointments and hopes for them that never materialized. And if all that was not enough, they add insult to injury by using every type of manipulation to get them to feel guilty about the suffering and - "as if" - pain that they are causing them, while trying to instill fear in their hearts using graphic descriptions of the terrible suffering that awaits them in the world to come.
And all this, before they even had a chance to experience this world - even a little, and to feel the most important and vital of human emotions; feelings of belonging and acceptance.
Let me tell you a little secret that may sound strange to you. You too, in their place, would not act any different.
Disconnecting from the imaginary world of fantasy and sensual stimulation and reconnecting anew to life, can only happen in one of two ways:
Either somehow in the beginning, before things have gotten out of hand and they have caused irreversible damage to themselves, they will have the good luck to happen upon realistic, obtainable challenges and goals, and through them, they will find fulfillment and belonging. And only if these positive feelings will be stronger and more fulfilling than the imaginary feelings they created for themselves in their fantasy worlds, will they succeed in disconnecting from their destructive behaviors and reconnecting to life.
Or, chalilah, they will undergo what I and many others underwent. And that is, that they will wake up a few years too late from their sweet dream into the harsh reality of a life that is too difficult to bear, alone and hurting, and find themselves bound from head to foot in the chains of addiction. And only after many more wasted years of unimaginable pain, of hurting others and those close to them, of wasting time and destroying their souls, of creating cycles of lies and deceit in order to hold onto their "comforting" addiction, will they finally come to their breaking point. And then, and only then, coming out of feelings of utter helplessness and despair, will they be ready to totally surrender and give themselves up to the higher power, and through that, begin to reconnect to life.
It is indeed possible to prevent the fall into addiction in the first place. But to do this, one needs a creative and practical approach that includes, for example, finding realistic and easily obtainable goals that will give the potential addict feelings of fulfillment, existence and acceptance. And this will allow them to reconnect to life and use those positive feelings as a counter-weight against the never ending arousals and imaginary feelings of "existence" that the world of addiction offers them.