Monday, 16 January 2012

The Only Truth that Matters

by Dov (See all authors)

I don't know about you, but my yiddishkeit went through it's first serious development between the ages of 10 and 20. That was the same age during which my sexuality and dependence on schmutz and masturbation first developed. Coincidence?

I think not.

To me, my yiddishkeit was supposed to enable me to control this monster. Well, it didn't. It wasn't Hashem's fault or yiddishkeit's fault. It was mine. I used whatever bechirah I had to comfort myself and to try to play a big, 25 year long balancing act with yiddishkeit and lust. Eventually I was just acting out like crazy. Nu. By that time, bechirah was a joke...I had given it up. So that's the way it was. But I got sober when the pain got bad enough for me to feel the way you described so well, above. And by a miracle (the Chessed of Hashem) I am sober today, too, since a bunch of years ago.

I need to leave the 'driving' to Hashem, and that includes 'The Truth'. This world is not the world of Truth - the Truth is hidden about who is at the top, and who is at the bottom - to all of us. It's alma deshikrah, as the gemorah calls it.

The only truth we really need to know is not history, not politics, not what is right or wrong with our neighbors, but only the truth about what our job is. Not even about how Hashem views us, nor about how he views anyone else.

The yiddishkeit I used to know - the one that developed in tandem with my sexaholism - was all about my madreigah, my teshuvah, and Hashem taking me back.....and look where it got me. Straining for ever more 'control' of my spirituality, my madreigah....ultimately trying to control the way G-d works with me and treats me, by His own rules! All so I could keep dancing with my buddy, lust.

Now I try to let go and let G-d. Period.

It is a completely different life. A safe life.