It's not about Teshuvah, it's about being alive
The RAMBAM asks, who is a real baal teshuva? One who is in the very same position, same circumstances, same desire, but this time he controls himself. So let's say a person starts to have a fall (really slipping) and in the middle he stops himself, what does that fall under? Is it the same concept of the RAMBAM's baal teshuva?
I respect you a ton for your honesty and openness and your desire to get better - against all odds, given the 'enemy'. But what is the significance of whether Hashem considers us ba'alei teshuvah gemurim, or not? Is it because it's nice to know if we are forgiven? So, if we are not....then what? Do you think He doesn't have enough room in His storehouse of Chessed Chinam to help out the people he doesn't yet forgive? Besides, who else is his Chessed for if not for yidden who are not yet ba'alei teshuvah gemurim?
Last I checked, I was still in Olam Hazeh, olam hashekker. There is no schar here, only more mitzvos (s'char mitzvah=mitzvah)....or more aveiros. Life....or death. It is the Olam of our Avodah, not reward or gain. What our status is has no relevance to our avodah.
It's not a gayva thing. It's just an irrelevant thing. Of course, some will tell you that the big danger with concerning ones-self with this issue is that we might put ourselves into such predicaments - in order to 'prove' ourselves by finally 'doing a teshuvah gemurah'. I don't worry about that too much. The only people who intentionally put themselves in predicaments are those who end up acting out, anyway. They are still experimenting.
Like: Q: For whom is the web filter not 'strong enough'?
A: For the one who tests their filter.
Same thing. As far as I am concerned, if I am are really interested in surrendering and being free, then wondering about teshuvah is just as self-centered and deadly to me as wondering about trying the next porn site is.
You said it best, quote:
"I can't live with this; it is messing up my life. It makes my life unlivable. It makes spirituality very hard and it's not just something we've been told, I really feel the difference....and I just can't live with it. And I can't push it off until later. It's now. I have to get rid of it."
It is not about teshuvah - it is about being alive today. If Hashem considers that under the rubric of teshuvah, then that is His Business, not mine.