Sunday, 15 January 2012

The Attitude Paradox of an Addict

by Dov (See all authors)

We cannot afford to run from our lust, just as we cannot afford to give-in to it. We run to G-d and let Him take care of it for us - or we'll never get better at all. And we often learn just how to run to G-d, by running to people (other addicts) and shamelessly sharing my worst garbage with them in order to surrender our lust. A baby has little, if any, shame having his parent clean him up because he cannot do it himself yet. I cannot clean up my own mess, either.

It's kind of funny, I know. In some ways I need to see myself as very, very low (plainly see my selfishness and get comfortable admitting it; not perceive any of my 'gedarim' as 'holiness' but rather as enlightened self-interest that has nothing to do with kedusha at all - [maybe with venishmartem?]; see my need to avoid schmutz not because I need to be holy, but because I am too ill and messed up to be able to tolerate the 'luxury' of that pleasure - it will ruin me, etc.)....

But at the very same time, I cannot allow myself just to 'believe' in Hashem. I need to live with Him. I need to talk to Him practically all day long. My relationships with people cannot be two-faced or to get from them. Now, for a normal yid, I think these things are seen as extra - a madreiga. Fine. Although the sifrei mussar say that such things are obligatory for every yid....few make it so - and fewer need it to be so. I do, and it is because I am sicker and needier than most yiddin, not better than them.

 

This last paragraph from Dov reminds me of an article that Rabbi Shais Taub sent me recently. It can be seen here.