Sunday, 25 December 2011

The Trash No Longer Rules My Life

by Dov (See all authors)

I'd love to share more of the garbage going on between my ears - but every time I do that, the unimaginable occurs! Namely, some semi-newbie posts back and says something like, "Holy mazolee! Dov! You mean that all this recovery work and abstinence is for nothing!? You are still just as sick as I am!! How meaningful is your talk of "living for Hashem and His people" if you are still having temptations? You are a big liar when you say life is different now, that's for sure! Adios!"

And in response to my shares about the fruits of recovery, a few folks here have also written stuff like, "Well, he's been sober 53 years and I refuse to have to wait that long for any growth. I'd rather try cocaine or heroin - they'll open my mind up quicker... off to Kubla Khan I go!" Well, maybe I dramatize, but you get the point, hopefully.

I suffer from frequent disorganized confusion in my life, am tempted to take second looks at my coworkers, at women on the street, and elsewhere, have the beginnings of euphoric recall of old adventures, fears of the past and future hound me at times, self-doubt and self-loathing entice me as comfy and familiar old ways to 'escape' my real lifework almost daily, lies still pop into my mind quite often, and lust creeps into my marriage bed frequently - I need to deal with all this - the fruits of my indulgence and sexaholism frequently. I am not out of the foxhole.

For me, the difference is that all the trash no longer rules (nor ruins) my life. That's a miracle. I've got more important things to do and Hashem helps me generally keep to them.

Can you imagine how the Daily Doses would look if I signed off each one with "Sincerely, lying and lusting Dov"? (Well actually, since I don't get the chizuk emails, I'd never know...)