Monday, 11 June 2012

Why struggle

Now that I’m married I wonder if I erred; maybe intimacy is really what matters?

by RATM, Shmilu, Uri (See all authors)

Kanesher asks:

Now that I'm married I wonder if I erred. Maybe it was all a joke; maybe intimacy is really what matters? Frankly, I've never gone that far – maybe that's where happiness is? Heck, I know I'm not happy now!!

I am struggling in my own marriage with my deep and complex wife – and I guess when I look in the street I wonder – why didn't I marry a prutzah who has no sense of tzinius?

Why not objectify? What am I struggling for? What do I need this for?!


Rage answers:

Let me speak from experience: If there is no holiness in your life, you will get bored/sick/frustrated with your wife no matter how beautiful she is. If you think that had you married the prutzah you wouldn't be looking at other women, then you are dead wrong. As a human, but especially as a lust addict, you will ALWAYS be hungry for more. Whether your wife is pleasing to you or not, it makes no difference at all.

About three weeks ago, while in the middle of surfing for inappropriate materials, when I was to be together with my wife that night, I came upon this site and I said to myself, "I am not an animal". I wanted to regain some form of Jewish dignity.

Whether you are currently in a healthy, long lasting marriage, I don't know. But I do know that (1) you will NEVER be able to tell until you rid yourself of this addiction and (2) your addiction will NEVER EVER make your life better, and will absolutely never make you happier, and it certainly won't convert your relationship into one that is a healthy long-lasting relationship.

Keep fighting!

 

Shmilu Answers

Rage, you are absolutely, positively right. Big time!

I get comments about my wife from people who obviously aren't too smart. At times, I'm even really uncomfortable walking with my wife in the street, because of all the stares coming our way –
yet in no way did this curb my addiction. I still get excited when just thinking about fulfilling my lust addiction, which I know is forbidden. Does it get in the way of the time I am together with my wife? You better believe it does.

Kanesher, take it from Rage and me:
Your wife is not your problem. Your addiction is.

 

Uri writes:

I was with a friend and he has a very good looking wife.
But that did not explain the weird gleaming light around her.
If anyone ever filled their lust drives with a girl, they notice the gleaming light very soon disappears.

We are like a thirsty person in a desert and we are seeing mirages.
So 2 things…

1) Find what it is in us that is lacking – that is making these things so glittery. What are we really thirsty for?!

2) Understand that this is just a mirage.

 

Kanesher answers:

Rage, I actually believe what you're saying. My wife is pretty. And I'm pretty sure that many of girls I've lusted don't compare to her.

My wife is wonderful – we love each other very much, and I know of no one more caring or warm or accepting, and she's someone that I can connect with on many levels – and she is beautiful.

My lust addiction has stopped me from being to translate that into our private relationshiop, and this is all the first step! Yes, another woman would be effortless – and empty. And eventually I would look for more.

Ultimately, if we don't figure out how to channel our desires toward real connection we will always be disappointed and think that the next opportunity to satisfy our lust contains the real satisfaction!