Tuesday, 13 February 2018

Getting aroused by one's own wife

Is there anything wrong with staring at one’s own wife and getting an erection from it (not during sexual relations)?

by Rav Dovid Morgenstern (See all authors)

GYE Responds:

Excellent question. I am not a posek, but I will try to use common sense based on what I have learned.

- If a person's wife is a niddah, then he should not do anything intentionally to arouse his desire for her.

- If she is mutar to him, then it depends. If he is about to be with her or is thinking of being with her soon, it is fine to be aroused by one's own wife, even if it causes an erection. This is part of Hashem's plan for bringing a couple together.

- However, if he is not planning on being with her in the near future, then he should avoid arousing himself by looking or even thinking of her in a provocative way. This is because one should never arouse the yetzer hara for these things without purpose.

- If a person sees that he is becoming aroused by seeing or thinking about other women, then (if he can't stop the thoughts altogether) it would be a MITZVAH for him to switch his thoughts to his own wife - even thinking of her in a provocative way, because this is a protection from sin.

I hope this helps.


The Questioner Responds:

Ok, thank you very much.

Is there a way to ask a Posek just to confirm 100% what you say is good to reply?

Thanks


After GYE wrote to him, Rabbi Morgenstern responded:

I believe the answer is correct. I would just add that without going into all the detail, once Rav Eliyashiv zta"l told me that for a husband (during the middle of the day not connected with being together) to arouse himself for his own pleasure would not be allowed because it would be considered מגרה ביצר הרע שלו. However, if his wife needed his closeness and he would be showing her signs of affection for her needs, that it would be permitted even if it would bring him to an erection.