Tuesday, 13 December 2011

Cruel Joke?

Part 2/3 (to see other parts of the article, click on the pages at the bottom)
My wife isn't interested as much as I am. Is Hashem playing a cruel joke?

by Fighting Yid, GYE, Kutan, Ur-a-Jew (See all authors)

"Ur-a-Jew" replied:

The short answer is: that G-d doesn't play cruel jokes.

Before I get to the long answer, I have two observations. First I feel your pain. I remember well the hours I would sulk in bed wallowing in self-pity, anger and resentment over my wife's stubborn refusal to be with me. Why couldn't she just get it and understand me. Did she ever even give some thought to how hard it was for me to have to be exposed on a constant basis simply by commuting to work, to women who pranced around in clothing that was more like lingerie? Why did she have to give me such a hard time by refusing to be with me and refusing to even acknowledge my needs? It obviously was all her fault. I give to her constantly. I wasn't asking for anything more than what was written in the Shulchan Aruch. How could she be so stubborn? And then someone told me to "take off the sun-glasses". I'll explain shortly.

My second observation is to thank you. Reading your post made me realize how far I've come (although I still have plenty to go) and therefore how grateful to Hashem I have to be. Four months ago, I would have had the same feelings you have after a day like yesterday. The whole day I was thinking about my wife. I was really in the mood for her. I sent her messages which certainly let her know that. I bought her presents. In the back of my mind, I knew her period would be here shortly, so it was like a ticking time bomb. And then I came home after a long day and she told me she was going to sleep. I would have said, "how could you?" (I would have thought "the nerve of her, how uncaring could she be?"), gotten all sour, etc. But I said good night to her and went on living my life with the knowledge that she really does love me, that she is just plain and simply tired and that if G-d wanted me to have sex last night, I would have had it. This morning I woke up without anger and resentment. She, of course, sensed it (because our wives sense everything) and gave me a huge smile and hug, which of course only reinforced what I already knew, that she really does love me, and I went on living my life.

Now back to the glasses. Imagine a person is wearing sunglasses but doesn't realize it. To him the whole world is dark. You can scream at him till your blue in the face that the world is bright and sunny but it won't help as long as he doesn't realize that he has sunglasses on.

My friend, you are walking around with sunglasses on. So the world is going to look dark to you. Until you take off the glasses, it will always be your wife's fault. No one will be able to convince you otherwise.

Fortunately for you, you have found GYE. Here you will learn that you are wearing sunglasses and having trouble taking take them off. Will it be easy? No, it won't. When you're exposed to bright life after sitting in the dark for so long, your eyes hurt. But it's worth it. Because there is nothing comparable to the beauty and light of the sun.

You'll learn that sex is optional.

Go out and buy yourself the book "Garden of Peace" by Rav Shalom Arush.

You'll learn to be a Man (a giver), and not a Lady (a taker).

You'll learn about the mirror effect, and how your conduct controls the way your wife acts towards you.

And first and foremost, at GYE you'll learn how to start living.

Get yourself a partner, start reading other people's posts, read the handbook and see that you are not alone. And for your own good, join a 12-step program. You can do it anonymously by phone, with the GYE phone conferences.

And most importantly, start davening. Hashem loves you. He wants to hear from you. When you're walking down the street faced with tempting sights, or when you're lying in bed wanting but not getting it, talk to him. Talk to him wherever and whatever. Like one friend talks to another. Ask Him. He can solve all your problems. You just got to know that He's there and He's in control.

I hate to be so blunt, but it's because I know where you're coming from.

The point is, you can change. Trying to get your wife to change without changing yourself, is a battle that you will never win.

Hatzlacha and welcome.