Tuesday, 13 December 2011

Cruel Joke?

My wife isn't interested as much as I am. Is Hashem playing a cruel joke?

by Fighting Yid, GYE, Kutan, Ur-a-Jew (See all authors)

"FightingYid" writes on our forum for the first time:

My struggles with lust have plagued me since my 15th birthday. Since then, it's "all day every day". Now I'm never of fan of asking questions on Hashem, but I truly don't understand why he did this to me. I was given a curse that has been with me for 10+ years, everyday, and then I get married and - bless my wife she is great - but she has serious sexual issues. She not always interested, doesn't think its SOOO fundamental for a marriage, etc. basically it isn't so good. So what's a guy like me supposed to do?! 90% of the women in the world are showing off everything they got, are we just supposed to go crazy!? It seems like a cruel joke to me. How are we supposed to be "Ivdu es Hashem b'smicha"?

We replied:

Welcome fightingYid. We can all feel your pain and understand your suffering. I would greatly advise you to read the "Attitude Handbook" to get answers to some of your questions.


No one said life was meant to be easy. We have a journey to undergo in this world. Hashem plays many so called "cruel jokes" on us. They are the bumps in the road on the journey called "life" that make us into MEN, not animals; into G-d centered people, and not "self-centered".

If it all went smoothly, we would never be forced to grow into the people Hashem wants us to be.

I suggest reading Dov's story here, and start reading the "Daily Doses of Dov" in the chizuk e-mails and you'll begin to see what Hashem has in store for us if we learn to deal with these "cruel jokes" in the way HE intended us to.

You've come to the right place. We hope you stick around


"Kutun" replied:

God: Avram, go to Canaan... I will make you great there....

Avram: Sure!

Avram goes to Canaan.

Suddenly, Canaan has a hunger, and Avram is forced to leave to Mitzrayim, where his wife is kidnapped etc.


Cruel Joke?
or
Nisayon (uplifting experience)?


"Ur-a-Jew" replied:

The short answer is: that G-d doesn't play cruel jokes.

Before I get to the long answer, I have two observations. First I feel your pain. I remember well the hours I would sulk in bed wallowing in self-pity, anger and resentment over my wife's stubborn refusal to be with me. Why couldn't she just get it and understand me. Did she ever even give some thought to how hard it was for me to have to be exposed on a constant basis simply by commuting to work, to women who pranced around in clothing that was more like lingerie? Why did she have to give me such a hard time by refusing to be with me and refusing to even acknowledge my needs? It obviously was all her fault. I give to her constantly. I wasn't asking for anything more than what was written in the Shulchan Aruch. How could she be so stubborn? And then someone told me to "take off the sun-glasses". I'll explain shortly.

My second observation is to thank you. Reading your post made me realize how far I've come (although I still have plenty to go) and therefore how grateful to Hashem I have to be. Four months ago, I would have had the same feelings you have after a day like yesterday. The whole day I was thinking about my wife. I was really in the mood for her. I sent her messages which certainly let her know that. I bought her presents. In the back of my mind, I knew her period would be here shortly, so it was like a ticking time bomb. And then I came home after a long day and she told me she was going to sleep. I would have said, "how could you?" (I would have thought "the nerve of her, how uncaring could she be?"), gotten all sour, etc. But I said good night to her and went on living my life with the knowledge that she really does love me, that she is just plain and simply tired and that if G-d wanted me to have sex last night, I would have had it. This morning I woke up without anger and resentment. She, of course, sensed it (because our wives sense everything) and gave me a huge smile and hug, which of course only reinforced what I already knew, that she really does love me, and I went on living my life.

Now back to the glasses. Imagine a person is wearing sunglasses but doesn't realize it. To him the whole world is dark. You can scream at him till your blue in the face that the world is bright and sunny but it won't help as long as he doesn't realize that he has sunglasses on.

My friend, you are walking around with sunglasses on. So the world is going to look dark to you. Until you take off the glasses, it will always be your wife's fault. No one will be able to convince you otherwise.


Fortunately for you, you have found GYE. Here you will learn that you are wearing sunglasses and having trouble taking take them off. Will it be easy? No, it won't. When you're exposed to bright life after sitting in the dark for so long, your eyes hurt. But it's worth it. Because there is nothing comparable to the beauty and light of the sun.

You'll learn that sex is optional.


Go out and buy yourself the book "Garden of Peace" by Rav Shalom Arush.


You'll learn to be a Man (a giver), and not a Lady (a taker).

You'll learn about the mirror effect, and how your conduct controls the way your wife acts towards you.


And first and foremost, at GYE you'll learn how to start living.


Get yourself a partner, start reading other people's posts, read the handbook and see that you are not alone. And for your own good, join a 12-step program. You can do it anonymously by phone, with the GYE phone conferences.

And most importantly, start davening. Hashem loves you. He wants to hear from you. When you're walking down the street faced with tempting sights, or when you're lying in bed wanting but not getting it, talk to him. Talk to him wherever and whatever. Like one friend talks to another. Ask Him. He can solve all your problems. You just got to know that He's there and He's in control.

I hate to be so blunt, but it's because I know where you're coming from.

The point is, you can change. Trying to get your wife to change without changing yourself, is a battle that you will never win.


Hatzlacha and welcome.


Another idea from Ur-a-Jew:

Last night, a slightly different elaboration occurred to me. But before we go there, I would be remiss if I didn't quote Reb Dov (the GYE Maggid):

"Quit the thinking and figuring, ok? Consider just doing your own work. We cannot thinkourselves into right living - we can only live ourselves into right thinking."


Now back to your question. Your question assumes you're entitled to know the answer. But in reality, neither you, me or anyone else are entitled to know the how and why's of Hashem's doing. Hashem created this world in His infinite wisdom, and He put us here in His will. It is obvious that He has a master plan. And it is obvious that he is a Meitiv (giver). You needn't look further than your own body to see this. Hashem didn't have to create you with an efficient body, He did so because he is a meitiv. With that in mind, you can now try to see if there is a way to understand. (See the Sefer Hachinuch for a similar concept regarding the Taamei Hamtizvos).

I once saw a story about a person who was born without hands. Everyone felt sorry for the baby. Imagine having to go through life without hands. An unthinkable thing. Such a young cherubic looking baby. What could justify such a punishment? He certainly never did anything wrong. Cruel joke by his Creator?

Well, perhaps if we had a videotape up in shomayim we would have seen the following taking place, prior to that neshoma coming down. Reb Yid was niftar. He was a holy man who learned and did mitzvos all his life. He came before the bais din shel maaleh and it was determined that he deserved gan eden. They were about to seal Reb Yid's din when a maalach came and said, "what about the money that he once took, that was not his?" Reb Yid shuddered. It all came back to him; that incident, when he was a young teenager. He took money that wasn't his and he never returned it. In shomayim there was a big tumult. They could not send Reb Yid to gehennim. His whole life was filed with kedusha, Torah and Mitzvos. But gan eden wouldn't take him, he had gezel on his hands. So in shomayim they paskened to send him back to this world to be misakain his neshoma for that theft. Reb Yid was devastated. But he saw he had no choice. He then turned to the bais din she'll maaleh and said, "I beg you, if I have to go back, please grant me one request. I am worried that I may be nichsol again in this sin, please, if I have to go back let it be ... without hands, so I never take something that doesn't belong to me.

The Bais Din Shel Maaleh granted his request with reluctance, but they understood. It was Reb Yid's neshoma that resides in the body of the beautiful but handless baby that was born.

Now, once we're in shomayim, let's look at what else is going on.

In a different corner, there is a different neshoma. We will call him Reb FY ("FightingYid"). He is actually in Gan Eden on a pretty lofty level too. But he notices that there is a blinding light that comes from a neshama much higher up in Gan Eden. Reb FY's neshoma pined to be like that neshoma who is so close to the shechina. He makes some inquiries and is told that this light comes from the neshoma of Yosef Hatzaddik, for having withstood the tremendous nisayon of Potiphar. Yosef was hounded day and night by one of the most beautiful woman in the world. It was so easy to succumb. He was all alone in isolation, in a land where no one knew him. He would probably never see his family again. He wanted to give in, but he withstood the nisayon. Reb FY begs to be like that neshoma. The Bais Din Shel Maaleh explains that there is no way to do that upstairs. Reb FY begs and begs, and the decision is made that he will be permitted to come back to this world to try and obtain this achievement. The risks are explained to him. But Reb FY can't resist the opportunity to obtain such a spiritual elevation. So Reb FY comes down to this world (at his request) with a strong, burning desire for women, in order for his neshoma to obtain the kedusha that the it saw in gan eden.

Did this really happen? I don't know. The one thing I do know is that you are here, pursuant to a Master plan. And that the Maker of that Master plan is merciful, patient and loves us more than we can imagine.

So you have a lot of work to do. We all do. Don't miss the opportunity.

Hatzlocha.

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