You are Special
I want to share something in the name of a Rabbi that my friend spoke to. I found this very inspiring:
A person has two basic and opposite pulls inside of him/her:
1) Taava = wants/desire
2) Hakara = recognizing and getting close to HaShem.
The Rabbi explained that Taava (pshyical desires) is not the enemy. It's a TOOL.
Without it, we wouldn't get married, build families, have children etc. Interesting, huh?
HaShem designed us on purpose with physical Taava, but it can totally lead us to look, see, do the wrong things, and we are supposed to control it and fight it, if it's being used improperly.
Also, he outlined the steps that the sneaky Yetzer Hara is going to do, to try to get you to stay addicted to the garbage.
1) The voice in your head says "I'm a freak. I'm so weak that I can't even trust myself around the Internet like a normal person."
2) "I'm going to lose the battle anyway. Maybe I won't watch tonight, but I'll end up watching again in the future. This is never going to last, there is no point."
3) And then the Yetzer Hara ends up getting you by "I want my Taava. I don't want to give it up. No, thank you."
SO HOW ON EARTH DOES ONE BREAK FREE OF THIS?!?
Aha. So the tools the Rabbi advises are:
1) One step/day/minute/choice at a time. There are no shortcuts in this area. Make one decision, for the moment RIGHT NOW. That's it. Just be in the moment. You get to make the choice. You are not a victim, you're a chooser. So choose well.
2) Find out in your mind "Why are you doing it?" Not "why did this happen at age 10... or where does this come from...?" but "Why right now, in this minute, am I craving this? Am I angry right now? Did someone say something to trigger me? Am I bored?" Try figure out the reason why you're doing what you're doing.
Now, what if you're starting to get overwhelmed, and thinking of giving up, or getting angry and saying "Why me?!"
So he says to me, you are obviously a special girl, and you are being given the opportunity to make real hero choices, unlike so many other girls. You might not be addicted by choice (you were 9 years old, for crying out loud) but you're here now. So what are you going to do about it?
He says that you can overcome this massive nisayon one step/choice at a time. HaShem only gives people tests that He knows they can pass.
It's obvious that HaShem has special plans for you, and the fact that you are fighting above-average nisyonos means you are above average.
If you can rise above, you will have surpassed so many regular people and you can be the light to get other people out of their nisyonos. For real. When you're 21, you can be a speaker going around and inspiring other girls. At such a young age you've tasted Taava v. Hakara, you've tasted unimaginable nisyonos and challenges, but if you can turn that around and get close to HaShem anyway, you can change the whole world.
So that's what my friend wrote in an email to me... You possibly know all this already, but it was very inspiring to me.