What is the Truth?
I watched myself today as my thoughts and feelings changed drastically throughout the day:7am - The alarm rings. There is nothing in the world more important and more beautiful than sleep. I really wish I could just sleep all day. (If not for my wife who, I know, will kick me soon, I would for sure just spend the day sleeping)...
8am - On the way to shul, I pass by two pretty women. There is nothing in the world like beautiful women! Life feels so hollow as I pull my gaze away and move on. And what's the point anyway? I already saw them, and I know that I want it, I'm such a loser. I can never get past this! What's the use? It's a pointless fight. Life sucks. I'm one big faker.
9am - Lost in work. Everything else is forgotten. Moving forward, helping clients, making business deals, making the world a better place. Hard to pull myself away for Mincha and learning at 6:30pm. As I walk to Mincha, I feel good. I did a lot today. The feelings of the morning seem so distant to me now...
7pm - Chavrusa. Torah is sweet, lost in the sugyah. Nothing else means anything now. Don't talk to me, I'll lose my train of thought! This is my learning time. I must finish this sugya before Maariv. Ah, geshmak!
8pm - Home with my children. My son needs help with his keyboard, my daughter is starting a new job, my sweet little toddlers are the cutest things on the planet. My children are all that matter in the world.
8:30 - My son tells me how mean his Rebbe was to him today. I am filled with righteous indignation. "How dare he?!" Don't talk to me now, as I contemplate how to deal with this Rebbe.
... So what's my point with sharing all this? As I watch myself throughout the day, as if from the outside, I become aware of how absolutely fleeting my thoughts and feelings are, how one minute I feel that this is ALL that matters and ALL that I want, and a moment later my thoughts, feelings and desires are completely somewhere else!
Maybe this can be reassuring to us addicts. So many times we feel that life is pointless without giving in, or that it's a lost battle anyway and we're just losers and fakers. We feel empty, shallow and just want to throw it all away. But if we understand how feeble and fleeting our thoughts and feelings are, and how they really do change 180 degrees in no time, we can just move on and stay busy with meaningful things.
What we feel at any given moment is not "the truth." Only Hashem sees the real truth, He sees the full picture. He looks at us and in one glance He sees our whole lives - our full potential! But as for us, we are stuck in time. And yes, in the moment it feels like these feelings are the real truth, but they are not. Because for us, the truth is always changing.
So just keep moving forward and get busy with real life!