so sorry to hear what you’re going through, but remember לפום צערה אגרא and obviously the YH knows he has a good customer that’s why he’s on your back

Thanks for checking in. I am indeed going through a stressful time, though less because of external stimuli than my life long (so far) struggle towards mental health.

Regarding BOTG, I have listened to the whole book in audio form, and it was definitely helpful. I'd like to continue reviewing it, but I got really tired off the AI audiobook reading, though admittedly some of the pronunciations are hilarious. I have the ebook on my computer but I don't like reading it from the computer. I'm not sure where to get a physical copy

Some very thought provoking responses.Very much thought provoking. Hmmm. 
Hopefully I'll actually sit and think the thoughts being provoked, instead of distracting myself. 

Wanna share a big win. 

My wife got super pissed shabbos afternoon. IMHO over nothing, but I did my best to be supportive; which backfired terribly and she said some harsh things. Without getting stuck in the mire of "who is right," I was sitting there motzei shabbos feeling like I was unjustly hurt. And I had an urge to turn to my computer to soothe myself. Not with porn god forbid poo poo poo. Or at least, not without easing into it.

But I didn't. B"h hashem reminded me that I'm not trying to stay clean for her, I'm doing it for me. Regardless of what happens.
I was also able to remember that numbing myself is not a solution. Went and took a shower and in response to all the excellent comebacks that popped into my head I was able to turn to Hashem and ask him to take away the ego and fear that was driving me. 

And it worked. I went to bed at a normal time, without turning to entertainment to soothe myself. I was even able to reach out to my wife with a kind word before I went to bed, which is tough because I feel like I'm always the one apologizing for her getting upset (again, it doesn't particularly matter if that feeling is correct.) Funnily enough, she ended up staying up until 3 a.m. soothing herself with youtube or something. But that's not my problem.

And because I de-escalated, she was remarkably civil today. A win all around. 


Had a thought last night I thought was encouraging. See Tanna D'bei Eliyahu Rabba 9:11


Here'smytranslation:



Not sure if this translation is totally correct. But seems inspiring.

Hello chevra, bh day 6.

welcome

Great 

KEEP IT UP!!
It's totally normal and healthy to experience burnout, keep on going, you're getting stronger day by day and you're making us all stronger!

Your posts are all to the point and full of life!

you know where you're headed and you're getting there, keep up the good work!

Chapter 20: Crossroads
...

The meeting with Dovid took place in a quiet coffee shop far from home. Dovid was older, steady, the kind of man who had clearly been burned before. “They’re not businessmen,” he said flatly. “They’re sharks. They pick good people, people with clean names. They use you to move their money, then they squeeze you until you break.”

Shaya leaned forward. “How did you get out?”

“Two things,” Dovid said. “Legal help and zero fear. The moment they see you’re not scared, they lose power. But you can’t bluff it. You have to have people backing you — real people who know what’s going on.”

Dovid scribbled a few names and instructions on a napkin. “You’re lucky you spoke up early. I waited too long. You have to cut them off now, before they use you for something worse.”

Shaya left feeling shaken but strangely stronger. It was terrifying to hear how deep this could go, but also comforting to know someone had survived it.

Later that day, Shaya sat with HHM again. This time the conversation was all about structure and honesty.
“No more hidden phone. It goes now,” HHM said firmly.
“It’s gone,” Shaya replied.
“No more late nights alone. You call me before bed if you feel weak. You send me updates twice a day. And you tell Leah enough so she sees real change, not just promises. Can you commit to that?”
Shaya swallowed hard. “Yes.”
HHM leaned in. “This isn’t just about avoiding mistakes. It’s about building a life where the urge to hide no longer makes sense. You fight the darkness by flooding it with light — truth, connection, accountability.”

Shaya walked out determined to follow everything. But that evening, as he drove home, his phone lit up with a new message: “We know who you met today. You’re making a mistake. Fix this, or we fix you.”

By the time Shaya pulled into his driveway, two men were waiting at the curb in a black car. They didn’t get out. They just watched as he walked to his door, their eyes cold, their meaning clear.

Inside, Leah was feeding the baby. She looked up and saw the fear in his face. “What now?” she whispered.

Shaya forced himself to breathe. He thought of Dovid’s calm warning. He thought of HHM’s voice telling him to flood the darkness with light. And for the first time, he realized he had a choice: keep running in circles or start walking straight, no matter how dangerous it looked.

odyossefchai wrote on 24 Aug 2025 11:33:

אילו חזר עוד יוסף חי רק להחזיר עטרת הגראוץ' למקומה דיינו 
!This is what I'm ****ing talking about

tzitzis dude wrote on 15 Jun 2025 07:01:

TD I logged in here and came to see grouch updates. I stumbled upon this lovely insight into your mikdash meat. 
I don't know how you'll take this but I genuinely giggled at this story. Not one of those where you respond with an LOL or maybe an additional little grin. No little chuckle for me. It was full blown laughter. And not 'with you' but definitely 'at you'
Like seriously, it's hilarious. 
No one tells you marriage will be so much fun! 
Aaahhhh the joys of a seeing a woman shredding the teeniest tiniest bit of whatever ego and dignity we have left. 
It's what motivates me every day. 
Such joy. Such genuine joy. 

Hi gents 

So yes, apparently I have been gone for a while. 
For good reason.

Let's do the good first. 

BH my streak continues. 
I have stayed clear of the stuff that wasn't good for me. No P or M for me. And coming up to a full year. 

The bad.
I still struggle mightily with Shmiras einayim. Ok that's not true. I don't struggle with it. I just don't bother keeping it. 
My wandering eyes (and brain) are on a 24/7 mission to seek out the nice sights of the other gender. 

Maybe if I stick around, I'll talk about why I took a break 
(Was nothing to do with anyone here. BH I'm still in touch with several good Yehuds from here. Some of whom I meet on a regular basis!) 

I hope everyone has a delicious Sunday. 

Hey Tzadik, are you doing daily check-ins with HHM, and calling him if feeling low?

Wow. So inspiring! 

Didn't know I needed a puppy...

Day #9!!!
Shabbos was not so hard (in the past it was my hardest day of the week). I feal a little burnt out right now but i remember what i have to lose if i go back to those bad habits and what i have to gain if i continue with the progress that i am in middle of making. My brain feels a little rewired and i don't feal like a animal anymore that jumps after everything that his heart desires i am a human being and i am boss on myself. I am starting to watch what i look at much more as it says in seforim that a bad habit you have to bend to the opposite extreme in order to level it out, i even walked on the street one day without my glasses something that i didn't dream i will ever do in my entire life. Those triggers don't come so often anymore (I don't think for a second that it will totally disappear) 

"Victory comes when you put long-term goals above short-term urges."

Wow! Went through abuse as well. When I was young I enjoyed it then also, yet it is still one hundred percent child molestation, legally and halachically. pitui ketana oines. I know thats for girls however, the sevara applies to boys as well.
I go to a psychologist for the abuse. It might be worth a try.
Also, how is married life in this?