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08 May 2025 19:26
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azivashacheit101
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In the back of the SA White Book appears Appendix 2 which is titled "Readings Commonly Used in Meetings" these come from other areas of 12-Step literature and are sometimes read at the beginning of a meeting. It may be worthwhile to have a look at some of them before going further.
"The Problem" is the first passage in the white book located on page v, and is also brought in Appendix 2 on page 203.
"The Problem
Many of us felt inadequate, unworthy, alone, and afraid. Our insides never matched what we saw on the outsides of others.
Early on, we came to feel disconnected-from parents, from peers, from ourselves. We tuned out with fantasy and masterbation. We plugged in by drinking in the pictures, the images, and pursuing the objects of our fantasies. We lusted and wanted to be lusted after.
We became true addicts: sex with self, promiscuity, adultery, dependency relationships, and more fantasy. We got it through the eyes; we bought it, we sold it, we traded it, we gave it away. We were addicted to the intrigue, the tease, the forbidden. The only way we knew to be free from it was to do it. "Please connect with me and make me whole!" we cried with outstretched arms. Lusting after the Big Fix, we gave away our power to others.
This produced guilt, self-hatred, remorse, emptiness, and pain, and we were driven ever inward, away from reality, away from love, lost inside ourselves.
Our habit made true intimacy impossible. We could never know real union with another because we were addicted to the unreal. We went for the "chemistry," the connection that had the magic, because it bypassed intimacy and true union. Fantasy corrupted the real; lust killed love.
First addicts, then love cripples, we took from others to fill up what was lacking in ourselves. Conning ourselves time and again that the next one would save us, we were really losing our lives."
Next comes a passage titled "The Solution" found on page 61 in the SA White Book, and in Appendix 2 on page 204. It will IY"H be posted in the near future.
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08 May 2025 11:08
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hashem help me
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altehmirrer wrote on 07 May 2025 02:12:
Hello chevra, though i'd share something with you guys, mainly to get it clear, and who knows maybe one of you אדידי התורה will identify,
As i'm moving along in this journey, and becoming more self aware and self confident and self accepting, i'm realizing how much of a slave i always was, i'm not referring to being a slave to my taivos, (which of course is also true), I mean that i was never focused on my true self, rather always pretending (to myself and others) that i am something that i'm not, since i had a picture in my head of what a real good yungerman looks like, i felt that it's the only way to really be...., so even though i didn't feel true to myself i still had no other choice, that's what gave me some small feeling of purpose, i was a true slave, living for a image, and not being my true self, and i was really not happy, really not fulfilled, i didn't choose to sit and learn, i didn't choose to daven..., i was doing it because that's what's expected of me, and it wasn't feeling real, there was no meaning and no purpose, so of course as time went on it got harder and harder, because it's hard to keep on doing something so demanding when i felt like i was actually doing nothing, and as i got older and got less and less motivated it only got harder, my image didn't matter as much..... (i could be maarich on all the details but הזמן יכלו והם לא יכלו)
Either way since bh i really started working on myself, and i am becoming ok with myself, actually more then ok, i am so so jubilant to be who i am, while yes i did make many mistakes.... and though i really hope never to do it again, who knows? still i am now able to be comfortable with who i am, it's not hard for me to face what i've done, while it was very very bad, and i own it and i have to do teshuvah, what was was...., i now understand how and why i evolved...., i'm not judging myself, but the main thing is that i am honestly doing my best today, that's all that matters, to be able to wake up with a plan to do what's right today, to further my growth today, to be brutally honest with myself, after all hashem gave me back my neshoma for a reason, and not trying to just fit some image, while yes maybe there is some truth about the optimal yungerman vision that i have...., (which of course has some room for debate), but right now that's not who i am, maybe one day but today let me just focus on honest growth, right now i am my optimal yungerman, and today i am making hashem as proud as possible with me, because i am doing my true best! (It's funny but the actual truth is that now i even fit in closer to "that" yungerman, because bh i am comfortable davening (usually), and learning most of the time).
One small observation that i had recently was that it is my choice to be in beis medresh today, i'm only here because that's what i want to do, not because others expect that from me, it is so geshmak to be learning because i want to, and to daven bec. i want to, ובחרת בחיים, it is so good that i am spending my day doing what i want to do, is it perfect? no there are some times that it's still hard, but bh it's light years better then what it was, and it's amazing!
Another point is that in the past i always felt like a good yungerman sits and learns the entire seder.... so whenever i took a break i felt guilty, and if i felt guilty you know where that leads....., either way while yes it is true that it is so so special to learn full sedorim without any batalah whatsoever, but you have to be really holding there, bh there are people that are there, i'm not one of them (yet), iyh one day...., so i decided that i will take a intentional coffee break (around 10 minutes) halfway through seder, guess what? i don't even feel guilty, it's not wrong for me! it's where i am holding right now and that's ok, so while my chavrusas don't leave their seat at all, i get up get a coffee shmooze a little, then i return to him confidently ready to continue shteiging, feeling like i am doing my right thing right now, (btw the coffee room is teeming, seems like many others had my plan for a while, i'm just late to the game).
There's a path for everyone, the key is to stick to your own, were all heading to the same place, but each of us at our own pace,
Wishing us all the best from the mir.
I printed out this masterpiece of a post and plan on giving it to a few rebbeim. It is the responsibility of mechanchim to share this concept with talmidim. The damage of "doing because society says i have to" is immense. Interestingly, in the modern orthodox world you will find many individuals that independently chose to daven better, learn with greater hasmada, work on themselves, etc., because the society's expectations are much less intense. So, although in the more chareidy world there is a mehalech to mandatorily keep everyone up to a certain standard, we must still allow space way below the level of perfection, so one can learn and daven because he wants to.
Regarding the comment about people in SA stopping to daven etc., there is a lot to be said; but it is not for on a public forum. But in order to reply, let's say the following based on conversations with many individuals who are in SA and many who left. SA is a necessary resource for those who truly need it and should be cautiously encouraged where it is clear that one is a true addict, and that that individual will actually attend consistently and do his 12-step work. However, guys who do not really need it, or those that attend for a while and then throw in the towel there as well, or those that by nature are simply inconsistent and do not keep up with what is necessary and expected in SA, often remain with the many negative behaviors and ideas after they prematurely say goodbye to SA, without reaping any of the benefits.
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08 May 2025 10:59
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azivashacheit101
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Before begining The 18 Wheeler it may be appropriate to quote a few paragraphs found on pages 3&4 in the SA White Book titled "What Is a Sexaholic and What Is Sexual Sobriety?". This essay helps define who is a sexaholic and needs SA to recover from their addiction.
Later on in this thread we will IY"H post how someone can figure out if he is a true sexaholic or not.
We addicts are notrious liars and great experts at fooling ourselves with tens of rationalizations for what we do. We rarely recognize our own insanity and craiziness until after we complete some solid recovery work. Before doing the work everyone of us says to ourselves "well I am am not a real sexaholic".
"What Is a Sexaholic and What Is Sexual Sobriety?
We can only speak for ourselves. The specialized nature of Sexaholics Anonymous can best be understood in terms of what we call the sexaholic. The sexaholic has taken himself or herself out of the whole contexed of what is right or wrong. He or she has lost control, no longer has the power of choice, and is not free to stop. Lust has become an addiction. Our situation is like that of the alcoholic who can no longer tolerate alcohol and must stop drinking altogether but is hooked and cannot stop. So it is with the sexaholic , or sex drunk, who can no longer tolerate lust but cannot stop.
Thus, for the sexaholic, any form of sex with one's self (Masterbation is sex with self in SA language) or with partners other than the spouse is progressively addictive and destructive. We also see that lust is the driving force behind our sexual acting out, and true sobriety includes progressive victory over lust. These conclusions were forced upon us in the crucible of our experiences and recovery; we have no other options. But we have found that acceptance of these facts is a key to a happy and joyous freedom we could otherwise never know.
This will and should discourage many inquirers who admit to sexual obsession or compulsion but who simply want to control and enjoy it, much as the alcoholic would like to control and enjoy drinking. Until we have been driven to the point of despair, until we really wanted to stop but could not, we did not give ourselves to this program of recovery. Sexaholics Anonymous is for those who know they have no other options but to stop, and their own enlightened self-intrest must tell them this."
If I may add two comments of my own,
1) While the definition of sobriety in SA is no masterbation or sex with anyone other than the spouse, sobriety and recovery includes a "progressive victory over lust". This means to include all forms of lusting such as lustful looking and fantasizing ect.
2) After reading the above passage some may question how addiction and the concept of bechira in yiddishkiet don't clash. I plan to address this issue later on while discussing Step 1 in The 18 Wheeler, IY"H it will become clear that this is a non-issue.
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07 May 2025 21:01
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azivashacheit101
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In this thread I will b"n post from "The 18 Wheeler" and some other relevant 12-Step literature.
I will also post some of my own 2 cents, things that work for me, and some of my very limited ESH (Experience, Strength and Hope).
I would love to hear feedback; all feedback and questions are welcome but please identify yourself first as either a member of SA (or other 12-Step group) or a non-member in order to put things into context.
The 18 Wheeler is found in the back of the SA white book and titled "How I Overcame Lust" it consists of 18 ways that the author (Roy K.) overcame his lust.
To be clear The 18 Wheeler is not SA but tools that go along with SA and come from concepts within the 12-Steps.
If you are someone who really needs SA then The 18-Wheeler will be very limited in how much it can help you.
SA is working the 12-Steps with a sponsor; when done properly and thoroughly it can take months and even years to complete.
The Steps are never really complete and recovering addicts live with Steps 1,3,10,11 and12 for a lifetime.
SA also involves going to inperson meetings and participating in fellowship.
In person meetings are 1000 times more effective than posting on the GYE forum.
The purpose of this thread is 3 fold.
1) For those who need SA it is to farmiliarize them with SA concepts and into becoming more comfortable getting to their first meetings.
2) For those who do not need SA, many of the methods posted here can still be helpful getting out of our head and dealing with the lust issue.
3) For those already in SA this thread can serve as a spring board to discuss how we understand and apply SA principles.
All bolded words are from 12-Step literature and non-bolded writing are my own opinions and not necessarily consistant with SA priciples.
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07 May 2025 19:48
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vehkam
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@healingyid there are usually underlying reasons why a person develops a specific type of fetish. a sex addiction therapist is probably the best person to help you understand and deal with it.
in general eroticizing certain things or acts comes from a distorted understanding of healthy sexual attraction.
Until you have the resources to see a qualified sex addiction therapist, it may be helpful to you to try to learn as much as possible about healthy relationships and sexual attraction. This can be done by reading books on relationships and attraction that can be purchased on amazon and by connecting with the chevra on this site that have a clear understanding of healthy relationships.
i enjoyed "Hold me tight", "wired for dating" and "Eight Dates - essential conversations for a lifetime of love"
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06 May 2025 20:17
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שבע יפול צדיק וקם
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youknowwho wrote on 06 May 2025 18:05:
Welcome back!
Please forgive me for asking a silly question. And please forgive me for asking it punkt here, despite having seen the same concept elsewhere on the forum.
L'choirah, m'mah nafshach...oiff vee viet you are machshiv "cumulative count", than what is the chashivus of "day count"? And if there is "fort" a chiluk, than why mention it b'chlal? I would probably have over 7,000 cumulative days since I have engaged in this struggle, but l'mai nafka minah? It doesn't help me (stress on me, I acknowledge there may be another way of lookin' at this) because for the freaking majority of those thousands of days, I was a zombie addict with no real end in sight, whether I fell or not, or how often.
Now, regarding "day count", it's also pretty murky. Yes, it is nice to see higher streaks, but it can quickly lead to burnout if a guy is restarting every 3-7 days or whatever. On the other hand, "day count" can be a useful way of tracking inner progress, by showing us how we are implementing tools and inner change over longer periods of time.
End of Moldy Voldy's unsolicited and unhelpful ranting.
If cumulative count or any other type of count is somehow a motivator for you, please ignore me, I'm just an anonymous schmuck off the internet. 
I am not as much of a lamdan as you  , but here are my thoughts for my situation:
I struggle with P & M. No denying it. Still, that is only one part of my life and a small part I might add. When the struggle feels bigger and takes over my mental space, I struggle even more. I feel like there is no way out. The cumulative count is a way of helping me size down the struggle and, for me, it helps to boost my commitment/morale. It shows me that I have succeeded for that many days.
I wouldn't describe myself as a "zombie addict," but in those 1600 hundred days, I had struggles and I overcame them. Or I set up boundaries that prevented me from being triggered in the first place. The cumulative days attest to the fact that I can succeed. By the way, my goal is not to graduate or kill the yetzer hara. My goal is set up my life in such a way that I don't fall and I prevent myself from being triggered to fall. So, if some or many of those cumulative days were challenging, all the more significant that I was still able to overcome that day's struggle.
Regarding your day count comment re: burnout, I agree and that is why I took a break from being active on the forum. Still, I have updated my count throughout all these months. For me, it adds accountability. I am tracking my progress.
Unsolicited, yes. Unhelpful, I don't think so.
End of work day update: I successfully avoided time-wasting browsing today. No falls to report.
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06 May 2025 18:05
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youknowwho
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שבע יפול צדיק וקם wrote on 06 May 2025 13:11:
Hello, all.
My primary struggle is browsing time-wasting websites. Not that I am immune to urges, but after a few days since my last fall, I typically don't think about looking at P and doing M. Usually what happens is that I find myself on time-wasting websites and then after my defenses are down, I see one thing that leads to another that leads to another...
With Hashem's help, today, I hope to limit my computer use to intentional use only.
Great day to all.
Day Count: 1 Day
Cumulative Count: 1633 Days
Welcome back!
Please forgive me for asking a silly question. And please forgive me for asking it punkt here, despite having seen the same concept elsewhere on the forum.
L'choirah, m'mah nafshach...oiff vee viet you are machshiv "cumulative count", than what is the chashivus of "day count"? And if there is "fort" a chiluk, than why mention it b'chlal? I would probably have over 7,000 cumulative days since I have engaged in this struggle, but l'mai nafka minah? It doesn't help me (stress on me, I acknowledge there may be another way of lookin' at this) because for the freaking majority of those thousands of days, I was a zombie addict with no real end in sight, whether I fell or not, or how often.
Now, regarding "day count", it's also pretty murky. Yes, it is nice to see higher streaks, but it can quickly lead to burnout if a guy is restarting every 3-7 days or whatever. On the other hand, "day count" can be a useful way of tracking inner progress, by showing us how we are implementing tools and inner change over longer periods of time.
End of Moldy Voldy's unsolicited and unhelpful ranting.
If cumulative count or any other type of count is somehow a motivator for you, please ignore me, I'm just an anonymous schmuck off the internet.
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05 May 2025 17:56
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ilovehashem247
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I was looking over my first post, and it is interesting to see it from the future
Hello, Friends.
My name is iLoveHashem247. I am a married man with a supportive  Warning: Spoiler!and codependent = as sick as I was! wife and three wonderful kids. Looking at my life from an outsider's perspective, you'd think I have it all. I own a renovated home on my own private road with lots of land, run my own business with which i support myself Warning: Spoiler! It's a bit harder when you actually pay your vendors... but I'm still at it! , am fortunate to be able to learn many more hours a week than i work, Warning: Spoiler! that's over, now I have regular seder. The place I was learning at was a toxic and abusive cult, and it was absolutely the wrong time and place to be learning half a day. I am a father of four with a young family and a fledgling business. Now's not the time to chill. and am a popular and recognized member of my community Warning: Spoiler! um... yeah... so my former cult leader has been trying to run me out of town and attack me mentally and physically for about two years now... I was popular with him (and his peeps) so long as they were still sucking the money out of my veins. - and I'm not yet 30 years old. But all this comes with a price tag - a lifelong struggle with addiction, mostly with marijuana and risky sexual encounters. Warning: Spoiler! Being molested by multiple women from age 11 until 16 and a half and spending two decades trying to process the trauma by recreating it with girlfriends, prostitutes, and my wife and turning to toxic & sick religious leaders to "fix" me didn't help solve my issues.
I had girlfriends in high school before becoming BT, and had shmirat habrit challenges, like most teens Warning: Spoiler! I realize now that my issues were significantly more severe than the average teen. Normal healthy people don't do/crave what I did . I struggled with SB and engaging in sexual activities at massage parlors but was able to be clean Warning: Spoiler! for at least 6 months before marriage. during my wife's pregnancy with our second child, i unfortunately reverted back to my pre-BT habbit of recreational marijuana during the stress of a second pregnancy (the first one outside of the shana rishona "infatuation zone"), which in turn let down a rabbit hole of other issues... i had recently been visiting massage parlors, not for the sexual experience (i do not engage in any "happy endings" anymore, rather when i do succumb it is for the exhibitionism that i can indulge in without making a massive chillul Hashem). Warning: Spoiler! just another attempt to regain control when the unmanageability swells and becomes overwhelming. I didn't gie a crap about chilul Hashem, i was just embarrassed to get caught is all. calling a spade a spade I am also very disappointed to admit that i had a sexual encounter with a shiksa who picked up a business card i had left at a restaurant i ate in, she sent me lewd photos and we met up one time (sept 12, '22) where she performed oral sex on me. Warning: Spoiler! I've wondered how she knew - I think even when I was wearing a hat, jacket, and tie everywhere I went when in the depths of my cultishness, it was clear that I was damaged and searching for a fix.
I am struggling to break out of these addictive patterns - i have recently filtered my home office desktop, my work laptop, and my smartphone i use to run my business (main issue was watching movies and free "live cams"). Warning: Spoiler! got rid of smartphones, haven't owned one for about a year and a half. great move. The crazy thing is that I am a person who has made such amazing changes in my life - in many ways, I am the kind of person i look up to and always wanted to become - but it is the sticky residue of my past life that I'm having such a hard time getting rid of. Warning: Spoiler! it's called SEXUAL ABUSE TRAUMA
I am sick of who I've secretly become and the double life i am living. Warning: Spoiler! It was never such a secret. Everyone around me knew there was something wrong with me, but those who could actually help me (especially my mother) lived in denial that I had issues, therefore there's nothing to fix. Kid got raped at 11 and is too ashamed and feels to unsafe to share with parents? no problem, just assume he needs a higher dose of meds! If i recall correctly the peak was at least 72mg of ritalin-like drugs on the daily. I guess that's where i learned to just numb my bad feelings with drugs so that I don't need to feel them and thus deal with them.
I want to be fair to myself, honest and equitable with my wife, and and terrified of the shame i will face when standing before my Creator on my day of judgement. Warning: Spoiler! I was raped Warning: Spoiler!
Well, that was deeply revealing and I have revealed to you, fellow strangers, that which i have not even revealed to my wife. To be fair though, i have been fully open with her regarding the guarding of eyes and marijuana addictions, but have never ever discussed the massage parlor or infidelity. Warning: Spoiler! I was so deeply f'd up and still have a long way to go. At least my head is not fully in the sand now, but my eyes are still unblurring
HELP! Warning: Spoiler!
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05 May 2025 15:17
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chancyhk
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yankyneu wrote on 27 Apr 2025 06:02:
I don't struggle with porn usage on a daily basis. However I fall every couple of months. When I fall I can't get back up. Rath. Ir I stay in bed watching television. Other then when I fall, I don't watch television because I know it is below me. However after I fall and am already feeling low I can watch tv. This leads me to stay in bed the next 2-3 days just watching tv barely davening (including fully missing tefilos and krias shema). It seems that I also have a tv addiction. Eventually I have to get out of bed. Firstly, I want to know what people think about getting up after staying down from a fall for so long. Additionally, I want to hear some dvrei chizuk about how to stay away from television eventhough it may be clean.
Dear Yanky,
Its completly understandable that you stay in bed after falling.
You feel like a loser, you are very dissapointed in yourself, you are in a lot of pain because you feel like a rusha. So how can you get out of bed?
Of course you wanna disconnect and be in a fantasy world of TV. I was there many many times., It feels better that dealing with the real world. So understand yourself and give yourself compassion..
The trick to be real and honest,. So what if you fell? are you alive? Yes BH! Casn you do Tshuva? a billion percent yes!!! So why not do that? You can be fully honest with Hashem and tell Him how you feel, (He knows, but He wants you to talk to Him like a child) And tell Him everything, Ask for Help getting clean, and ask for help getting out of bed.
As long as you are alive you can fix what you broke. So rather than wallowing in your own filth, get clean and pure by doing tshuva!
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04 May 2025 20:46
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chosemyshem
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yitzchokm wrote on 01 May 2025 23:53:
Switching porn for alcohol and tobacco is essentially switching one addiction for another. You won't become sober this way. Changing the chemical imbalance of addiction requires internal work.
I've often considered taking a shot every time I had an urge for porn or masturbation. That way I could replace my sexual addiction with an equally unhealthy but much more socially acceptable alcohol addiction. And then it would be so much easier to get the help I need.
The catch is that when I'm drunk I'm much more likely to actually give in to those urges for porn and masturbation. So I'd just end up with 2 problems. But I'm convinced that it's a workable mehalech.
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01 May 2025 23:53
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yitzchokm
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Switching porn for alcohol and tobacco is essentially switching one addiction for another. You won't become sober this way. Changing the chemical imbalance of addiction requires internal work.
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01 May 2025 19:15
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chancyhk
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modeani99 wrote on 01 May 2025 15:20:
Hi,
I'm a married man with 4 kids. When I was single this goes back 8 years, I had an inappropriate relationship with a girl. It was my first time being with a girl. I broke it off after a while and after several months I shidduch dated my wife and the rest is history.
I never told my wife about this girl.
Secretly I never stopped thinking about this other girl, I probably think about her every day. This other girl had a very traumatic upbringing and deals with many many issues, She's very unhealthy.
She reached out to me several weeks ago that she wants to meet up with me. I told her I'm married and it would be very inappropriate for me to have a relationship with her. I ended up blocking her number and moving on even though it was very difficult.
She reached out to me again over WhatsApp last night saying that she misses me etc. I told her again that I'm married with kids and I can't be in touch with her. It would be very unfair to them. I'll admit that while i said that to her there is still a part of me pulling to her very strongly but I'm trying to not go there. She said "I hear you" but then started messaging me more questions like "But are you doing ok" and "how many kids do you have".
I did not respond.
I'm having trouble focusing on things today. I have an urge to respond to her.
I never stopped thinking about her
Any advice?
Hi MA,
I feel terrible for you. I know the feeling all too well.
I am reposting an old post from my previous incarnation in hopes that you can take something out of it,
A big bustling office with a few yiden and lots of Porto Rican and Dominican young women.
Sits a very lonely and hypersexualized Yungerman who has been addicted to sex for 15 years, but has never been with an other women besides his wife. He craves attention and love. Knows how to sweet talk anyone he wants to get with.
He is searching for someone who is halfway attractive that he can at least fantasize about, he needs to feel that rush, that excitement, that thrill.
For awhile, he finds nobody interesting, untill he saw her once. A wild untamed Porto Rican girl. She is on fire, funny, and she seems to like him.
This starts a few years of fun talks, texting, chatting, flirting, fantasies and excitement.
She offered him a million times to at least hug or kiss him, he was torn to pieces between his infatuation to this women and his actual wife whom he loved deeply, but never developed that kind of open and deep relationship. Plus he thinks of himself as en erliche yungerman who would never touch another women, let alone a GOYTA! So he is ripped to shreds every day.
It got so bad that he started questioning his whole belief system, why cant he touch her? who says its a problem? does he even believe in anything anymore?!!
He had to go down real deep to figure out that YES! he believes in everything a yid needs to believe and this is not something he will ever do. But the triggers are still there. What to do? Hashem took the problem away suddenly, she left that job from 1 day to the other. So no more daily interactions BH!
But they still spoke randomly, they saw each other now and then, she called him "my boo" she even gave him a Spanish version of his Yidish Name.
Then came the catalyst, the company made their annual holiday party, everyone comes dressed (read undressed) to the tee. All made up and flirty.
She was also invited to the party even though she didnt work there anymore. Of course he was so excited a whole night that his crush is there he couldnt think clearly. She was drunk of out of her mind
The music started playing a dace song and everyone started dancing, the yiden weren't partaking in the dance.
But she came over to him and begged him to dance with her, he refused, she was adamant, come on its just dancing. He was indescribably torn and broken. But he still resolved himself, No, im sorry, i cant, he said. All night he was tossing and turning about this. what the hell is wrong with him?
The next morning, he sent made up his mind, he snet her an email before he can change it back.
In it he basically said that this is not working for him, he cant do this anymore, and good bye.
She sent back something hurtful that he cant remember. But that was it. It hurt for a long time, But he is happy and thanks Hashem that he didnt let him fall into that pit of hell.
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01 May 2025 17:58
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ish migrodno
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There are some things you can't share without ending up liking each other, and grouching alongside fellow porn addicts knocking out a twelve-foot mountain troll - is one of them ~ Harry
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01 May 2025 17:30
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chancyhk
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ish migrodno wrote on 01 May 2025 05:02:
There are some things you can't share without ending up liking each other, and grouching alongside fellow porn addicts is one of them ~ Harry
Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex, British royal, military veteran, and humanitarian said that?
It most deff wasnt The Chosen One...........He is holier than thou.
Dear(less) azivashacheit101,
I dont care that you paradox'd us.
I dont even care that its not a real word. JK Rowling also made up words.
Where the heaven do you get the Hutzpa to come in here, the only place left in the world where someone can be themself and say it as it is, and make this a happy place? yuch!
Where else can i go and complain to fellow normal's (also a word)???
Are we just supposed to be all Happy-going, Botox-faced, smile plastered, eyes-twinkling, pot-bellied, Santa-clause?
There has been enough joking around here to last for a while. Enough already.
Lets get back to griping, complaining, *itching, grouching, yelling, and that sort of stuff, that stuff thats good for you.
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01 May 2025 16:47
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chancyhk
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wannachange wrote on 01 May 2025 02:20:
Hey holy brothers.
BH on day 9!
SHOUT OUT TO CHANCYHK - I tried what you said- accepting that its ok to have an urge but doesnt mean I need to follow up with it....and....drumroll please.....it worked!
So now I can look at whatever I want to and I just have to think dont carry through with it- KIDDING.
Either way, feeling lonely now - came home exhausted and just didnt have the patience for my kids that I wish I did. I think that triggered me and is making me feel like a horrible person and I used to run to p&m as an unhealthy outlet but now.....
maybe its because im tired? Any ideas?
Random thought - my wife is forever making friends, keeping up with old ones.
I was thinking in the car tonight how nice it would be to just have a friend to call and shmooze with and communicate with..
but honestly I think the last time I kept up with a friend was a couple of years ago.
But now with work and getting home exhausted and trying to give me kids some attention, and my wife....
theres no time for friends.
Maybe if I had time for friends, to just get out and chill, talk and shmooze, it would make things easier and would take away the lonely feeling?
Anyone relate any feedback?
Thanx
Dear WC,
Happy to hear that it works. I will explain a bit more.
Being addicted to sexual arousal is just as or more addictive than Alcohol or Drugs. The body/brain gets a incredible dose of ''feel good'' hormones. And that makes us feel relaxed and high at the same time.......... So of course we want more and more of that. Its not just our minds wanting it, its more that the brain/body crave it, so by fighting it and telling yourself "dont look, what if you get aroused, what if you act on it" or any other scare tactics, you wont get anywhere. Its already in you, if you fight it, you are thinking about it more not less. The trick is to be cool and logical.
Yes, it feels good, my brain and body will get that sweet sweet drug that will make everything taste better......
Yes, its normal to feel this way, everyone has desires to one degree or other, maybe mine is higher or maybe not, no way of knowing for sure.
But, I know the facts of what and whom im hurting by looking or continuing the fantasy in my mind, everyone. Hashem, Myself, My wife, kids, parents, Kedusha in general.
Now, I have a choice to make, do I look/fantasies and have that short lived enjoyment and than pay the terrible price.
Or, I will move on, knowing that NOTHING will happen if i do. Normally, you will forget about the trigger in less than a minute.
However, when we are stressed/tired/angry/lonely, etc, its harder to stay cool calm and collected. so its easier to fall into the laziness trap where we do whats easier in the moment an throw caution to the wind. So being prepared before going someplace where u know might be challenging will make it much easier.
Practicing this over and over will completely rewire your way of thinking about triggers. Eventually, it will become natural.
i agree with you that having friends is a very important thing in life, especially for people like us.
Many guys on here say that they dont have friends. These things are connected.
P.S. I have 0 friends........................
Good luck
Chancy Hakuten
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