In this thread I will b"n post from "The 18 Wheeler" and some other relevant 12-Step literature.
I will also post some of my own 2 cents, things that work for me, and some of my very limited ESH (Experience, Strength and Hope).
I would love to hear feedback; all feedback and questions are welcome but please identify yourself first as either a member of SA (or other 12-Step group) or a non-member in order to put things into context.

The 18 Wheeler is found in the back of the SA white book and titled "How I Overcame Lust" it consists of 18 ways that the author (Roy K.) overcame his lust.

To be clear The 18 Wheeler is not SA but tools that go along with SA and come from concepts within the 12-Steps.
If you are someone who really needs SA then The 18-Wheeler will be very limited in how much it can help you.

SA is working the 12-Steps with a sponsor; when done properly and thoroughly it can take months and even years to complete.
The Steps are never really complete and recovering addicts live with Steps 1,3,10,11 and12 for a lifetime.
SA also involves going to inperson meetings and participating in fellowship.
In person meetings are 1000 times more effective than posting on the GYE forum.

The purpose of this thread is 3 fold.
1) For those who need SA it is to farmiliarize them with SA concepts and into becoming more comfortable getting to their first meetings.
2) For those who do not need SA, many of the methods posted here can still be helpful getting out of our head and dealing with the lust issue.
3) For those already in SA this thread can serve as a spring board to discuss how we understand and apply SA principles.

All bolded words are from 12-Step literature and non-bolded writing are my own opinions and not necessarily consistant with SA priciples.

Before begining The 18 Wheeler it may be appropriate to quote a few paragraphs found on pages 3&4 in the SA White Book titled "What Is a Sexaholic and What Is Sexual Sobriety?". This essay helps define who is a sexaholic and needs SA to recover from their addiction.
Later on in this thread we will IY"H post how someone can figure out if he is a true sexaholic or not.
We addicts are notrious liars and great experts at fooling ourselves with tens of rationalizations for what we do. We rarely recognize our own insanity and craiziness until after we complete some solid recovery work. Before doing the work everyone of us says to ourselves "well I am am not a real sexaholic".


"What Is a Sexaholic and What Is Sexual Sobriety?

We can only speak for ourselves. The specialized nature of Sexaholics Anonymous can best be understood in terms of what we call the sexaholic. The sexaholic has taken himself or herself out of the whole contexed of what is right or wrong. He or she has lost control, no longer has the power of choice, and is not free to stop. Lust has become an addiction. Our situation is like that of the alcoholic who can no longer tolerate alcohol and must stop drinking altogether but is hooked and cannot stop. So it is with the sexaholic , or sex drunk, who can no longer tolerate lust but cannot stop.

Thus, for the sexaholic, any form of sex with one's self (Masterbation is sex with self in SA language) or with partners other than the spouse is progressively addictive and destructive. We also see that lust is the driving force behind our sexual acting out, and true sobriety includes progressive victory over lust. These conclusions were forced upon us in the crucible of our experiences and recovery; we have no other options. But we have found that acceptance of these facts is a key to a happy and joyous freedom we could otherwise never know.

This will and should discourage many inquirers who admit to sexual obsession or compulsion but who simply want to control and enjoy it, much as the alcoholic would like to control and enjoy drinking. Until we have been driven to the point of despair, until we really wanted to stop but could not, we did not give ourselves to this program of recovery. Sexaholics Anonymous is for those who know they have no other options but to stop, and their own enlightened self-intrest must tell them this."


If I may add two comments of my own,
1) While the definition of sobriety in SA is no masterbation or sex with anyone other than the spouse, sobriety and recovery includes a "progressive victory over lust". This means to include all forms of lusting such as lustful looking and fantasizing ect.

2) After reading the above passage some may question how addiction and the concept of bechira in yiddishkiet don't clash. I plan to address this issue later on while discussing Step 1 in The 18 Wheeler, IY"H it will become clear that this is a non-issue.

Non member here. Great thread and can't wait to hear more.

In the back of the SA White Book appears Appendix 2 which is titled "Readings Commonly Used in Meetings" these come from other areas of 12-Step literature and are sometimes read at the beginning of a meeting. It may be worthwhile to have a look at some of them before going further.

"The Problem" is the first passage in the white book located on page v, and is also brought in Appendix 2 on page 203.



"The Problem

Many of us felt inadequate, unworthy, alone, and afraid. Our insides never matched what we saw on the outsides of others.
Early on, we came to feel disconnected-from parents, from peers, from ourselves. We tuned out with fantasy and masterbation. We plugged in by drinking in the pictures, the images, and pursuing the objects of our fantasies. We lusted and wanted to be lusted after.

We became true addicts: sex with self, promiscuity, adultery, dependency relationships, and more fantasy. We got it through the eyes; we bought it, we sold it, we traded it, we gave it away. We were addicted to the intrigue, the tease, the forbidden. The only way we knew to be free from it was to do it. "Please connect  with me and make me whole!" we cried with outstretched arms. Lusting after the Big Fix, we gave away our power to others.

This produced guilt, self-hatred, remorse, emptiness, and pain, and we were driven ever inward, away from reality, away from love, lost inside ourselves.
Our habit made true intimacy impossible. We could never know real union with another because we were addicted to the unreal. We went for the "chemistry," the connection that had the magic, because it bypassed intimacy and true union. Fantasy corrupted the real; lust killed love.
First addicts, then love cripples, we took from others to fill up what was lacking in ourselves. Conning ourselves time and again that the next one would save us, we were really losing our lives."



Next comes a passage titled "The Solution" found on page 61 in the SA White Book, and in Appendix 2 on page 204. It will IY"H be posted in the near future.

As you will come to see, The Solution is not here to tell you how to stop lusting or how to change. It's an overview of what happens to someone who comes to meetings, participates in fellowship, and actually works the steps with a sponsor. To really and fully understand what The Solution is referring to you probably have to spend a few weeks in meetings and listen to some good talks from SA old-timers. I will do my best and try to post some of my own limited commentary and explanations to it, though It will probably be a mediocre job.
Just one note: The Solution refers to the term surrender a few times over. Surrender is a huge topic which we will IY"H deal with as the 5th of The 18 Wheeler. Another term for surrender is to Let Go we see what this means later.


The Solution

We saw that our problem was threefold: physical, emotional, and spiritual. Healing had to come about in all three.
The crucial change in attitude began when we admitted we were powerless, that our habit had us whipped. We came to meetings, and withdrew from our habit. For some, this meant no sex with themselves (Masturbation) or others, including not getting into relationships. For others it also meant "drying out" and not having sex with the spouse for a time to recover from lust. (Drying out is probably more nogeah for addicts in very advanced stages of addiction who are doing much more than just porn and masturbation, but I don't know for sure.)

We discovered that we could stop, that not feeding the hunger didn't kill us, that sex was indeed optional. There was hope for freedom, and we began to feel alive. Encouraged to continue, we turned more and more away from our isolating obsession with sex and self and turned to G-d and others. (Meaning helping and getting helped by others)

All this was scary, We couldn't see the path ahead, except that others had gone that way before. Each new step of surrender felt it would be off the edge into oblivion, but we took it. And instead of killing us, surrender was killing the obsession! We had stepped into the light, into a whole new way of life.

The fellowship gave us monitoring and support to keep us from being overwhelmed, a safe haven where we could finally face ourselves. Instead of covering our feelings with compulsive sex, we began exposing the roots of our spiritual emptiness and hunger. And the healing began.

As we faced our defects, we became willing to change; surrendering them broke the power they had over us. We began to be more comfortable with ourselves and others for the first time without our "drug".
Forgiving all who had injured us, and without injuring others, we tried to right our wrongs. At each amends more of the dreadful load of guilt dropped from our shoulders, until we could lift our heads, look the world in the eye, and stand free.

We began practicing positive sobriety, taking the actions of love to improve our relations with others. We were learning how to give; and the measure we gave was the measure we got back. We were finding what none of the substitutes had ever supplied. We were making the real connection. We were home.


"We saw that our problem was threefold..."

The Physical Problem: This is referring to two issues A) the obsession with lust and sex in general. This includes both constantly thinking about lust, and also mentally turning many normal situations and gestures into some sort of sexual fantasies. b) The idea that once we start we can't stop. This does not mean it's impossible to stop, but that once we start and ingest some lust (eg. watch a little bit of porn, a dirty movie, fantasize a bit too much, walk around the street looking for women to look at/stalk) it becomes more and more compulsive and difficult to stop. This does not necessarily happen every time ingest a bit of lust, but we never know when it will hit that point.

The Emotional Problem: This means we addicts have a difficult time (and for some no clue how to) dealing with our emotions and defect of character.
Defects of character include but are not limited to dishonesty (with ourselves not realizing how crazy and abnormal our acting out is), ego, self-centeredness, laziness, self pity, selfishness, fear (anxiety, OCD, insecurities), guilt, control, overthinking, depression, resentments ect.
When these crop up we tune out of life be getting an urge to act out and then acting upon it, For me personally it took me a long time to see that this was happening. Now many times when I get an urge, I can think back to what was going through my head right before the urge popped in and pinpoint that something was bothering me. Steps 4-7 deal with fixing our character defects, and steps 3,10,11 help us deal with negative emotions and stopping trying to control our lives and mind, and by letting go and giving everything up to Hashem.

The Spiritual Problem: This is referring to the void and emptiness that we feel inside of ourselves. We need to fill up that void so we therefore turn to lust. 12-Steps teaches us how to fill that up by turning to Hashem and helping others. Some may say "but I tried that already I davened my kishkes out, cried, and did teshuva yet I'm still acting out!" The answer to this question is complex and will take a lot of time to explain, but what you need to know is 12-Steps have worked for millions (if you include all addictions alcohol, drugs gambling ect.) and it will work for you too if you put in the effort.

Next we will examine the passage tittled To the Newcomer, found on page 1 of the SA White Book. We will start it now and IY"H continue it in the near future.


To the Newcomer

What Works for Us
Those of us who are recovering in Sexaholics Anonymous were driven here by many different forms of the same problem. Some of us fit society's stereotypes of what a sexaholic might be and some of us did not. Some of us were driven to buy or sell sex on the streets, others to have it anonymously in bars or public places. Some of us found ourselves in painful and destructive affairs or consumed by an unhealthy obsession with a particular person or succession of persons. Many of us kept our obsessions to ourselves, resorting to compulsive masturbation, pictures, fetishes, voyeurism (ie. stalking/looking into windows) or exhibitionism. Some of us victimized others. And with many of us, our compulsions took a toll on family, coworkers, and friends. Very often, we felt we were the only ones who could not stop, that we were doing this-whatever it was- against our will.

To IY"H be contiued...

To the Newcomer

What Works for Us
Those of us who are recovering in Sexaholics Anonymous were driven here by many different forms of the same problem. Some of us fit society's stereotypes of what a sexaholic might be and some of us did not. Some of us were driven to buy or sell sex on the streets, others to have it anonymously in bars or public places. Some of us found ourselves in painful and destructive affairs or consumed by an unhealthy obsession with a particular person or succession of persons. Many of us kept our obsessions to ourselves, resorting to compulsive masturbation, pictures, fetishes, voyeurism (i.e. stalking/looking into windows) or exhibitionism. Some of us victimized others. And with many of us, our compulsions took a toll on family, coworkers, and friends. Very often, we felt we were the only ones who could not stop, that we were doing this-whatever it was- against our will.

When we came to SA, we found that in spite of our differences, we shared a common problem-the obsession of lust, usually combined with a compulsive demand for sex in some form. (Including sex with self i.e. masturbation.) We identified with one another on the inside. Whatever the details of our problem, we were dying spiritually-dying of guilt, fear, and loneliness. As we came to see that we shared a common problem, we also came to see that for us, there is a common solution-the Twelve Steps of recovery practiced in a fellowship and on a foundation of what we call sexual sobriety. (see pp.191-193)

Our definition of sobriety represents, for us, the basic and necessary condition for lasting freedom from the pain that brought us to SA. We have found that nothing else works. When we have tried to deny what our common experience has taught us, we have found that recovery still eludes us. And this seems to be true whether we are male or female; married or single; whether our acting out was with the same or opposite sex; whether our relationships were "committed", "meaningful", or one night stands; or whether we just resorted to a little sex with self as a "physical outlet." As the men and women of Alcoholics Anonymous learned over fifty years ago (now it's almost 100 years), "half-measures availed us nothing"!

We don't claim to understand all of the ramifications of sexual sobriety. Some of us have come to believe that there is a deeper spiritual significance in sexual sobriety, while others simply report that without a firm and clear bottom line, our "cunning, baffling, and powerful" sexaholism takes over sooner or later. Nor do we claim that sobriety alone will lead to a lasting and joyous recovery. Like alcoholics, we can be "dry" without being sober in a deeper sense. We don't even claim that sexual sobriety will make one feel better immediately. We, like other addicts, can go through withdrawal symptoms when we give up our "drug." Nonetheless, in spite of the questions, struggles, and confusion that we have gone through, we find that sexual sobriety is truly "the key to a happy and joyous freedom we could otherwise never know." That's why we keep coming back to SA.

We have a solution. We don't claim that it's for everybody, but for us, it works. If you identify with us and think you may share our problem, we'd like to share our solution with you.


A Caution
We suggest that newcomers to Sexaholics Anonymous not reveal their sexual past to a spouse or family member who does not already know of it, without careful consideration and a period of sexual sobriety, and even then, only after prior discussion with an SA sponsor or group. Typically, when we come into the program, we want to share our excitement with those closest to us and tell all right away. Such disclosures might injure our family or others and should be confined to the group of which we are a part until a wise course is indicated. Of course, if there is any chance we have put others in danger, we take steps to try to correct that.

Few things can so damage the possibility of healing in the family as a premature confession to spouse or family where sacred bonds and trust have been violated. Unwittingly, such a confession can be attempts on our part to dump our guilt, get back into the good graces, or make just another show of willpower. Great caution is advised here.

Amends to family must begin with a sexually sober, changed attitude and behavior on a daily basis. Then, as we grow in recovery, we will find how to make direct amends. Help from your sponsor and group is indispensable here. There's always a way, if we really want to make things right.

A few comments on To The Newcomer:

It's clear from the above passage (and from spending any time in SA) that SA is not only about sexual sobriety, but it's a sanity and serenity building tool. Sexual sobriety is the starting point in SA. Our problem isn't stopping- we've all stopped thousands of times, our problem is staying stopped and feeling calm and serene.

In SA we work on our sanity and serenity by cleaning up our defects of character, learning to let go and let G-d run our lives, stop trying to control our mind and lives, we stop fighting lust and learn to surrender it (later we will examine what the hell that means), we learn to accept life on life's terms, we fill up the spirital void inside of ouselves with a real and working connection with Hashem, we tart to get honest with others and ourselves, we learn how to manage our emotions, we learn to get out of our stupid and sick heads, we clean up the many messes we created in our acting out, and we learn how to give to honestly others.

After doing all of the above correctly we are able to stand tall and free, we feel sane, serene, and happy, and we know a new freedom we could otherwise never know.

From chapter 5 of AA (Alcoholics Anonymous)

Next Page

This post is to clarify the relationship between AA and SA, and the books used in SA recovery.

Alcoholics Anonymous or AA was started in the 1930s by a group of alcoholics who discovered/created a working spiritual program to help alcoholics recover where no other treatment worked, This program is the 12-steps of recovery. Two of the most famous and influential early AAs were Bill W. (Wilson) and Dr. Bob S. (Smith). In 1935 they met in Akron, Ohio and started AA.
Bill W. wrote the book "Alcoholics Anonymous" in the year 1939 after a few years of sobriety. In recovery groups such as AA and SA it is known fondly by the term "The Big Book", from now on in this thread that is the term that will be used.

In the 1940s it became clear to Bill W. that the rapidly expanding AA needed rules and regulations to follow in order for the program to run smoothly or else chaos would prevail. As a result "The Twelve Traditions of AA" were adopted. (The word tradition sounds a little cultish it just means rules for AA to follow in fancy 1940s language.) Some of these traditions include Tradition 7- there are no fees to join AA, others include that there are no leaders in AA and all members are equal ect.

In 1952 Bill W. and Tom P. (Powers)  wrote the book "The Twelve Steps And Twelve Traditions", This book know by the slang "The 12&12", goes through the 12 Steps in a much more thorough and rigorous way than The Big Book. While the Big Book is the foundation of 12 Step recovery, The 12&12 shows that the steps include some real and heavy work and is the book used to help go through steps 4-12.

In the 1970s a man by the name of Roy K. started SA and based it fully upon the works of AA. Over the years that followed The book "Sexaholics Anonymous" was formed. The SA book is known in SA as "The White Book" due to the fact that it's a white book with no title it's cover.

In SA all three of the above books are used in recovery with The Big Book and The12&12 remaining the main books for actual step work. When we use those books we just mentally replace the word alcohol with lust.
There are other good books in SA that are very helpful in recovery but not main books used. Some of these are, "Step Into Action", "Recovery Continues", "The Real Connection" and others.

The Promises are after Step 9 in The Big Book and show what a person can recieve if he works the steps properly.

Next we will get involved in a crucial tool, attitude, and way of life, which is extremely useful both to addicts and non-addicts alike. This tool is Step-3.
Step 3 is not a one time event, but an attitude which is worked daily multiple times as the need arises.
Of course if you are a real addict this will only take you so far and you need to get your butt to an SA meeting NOW.

Create your own frum version of the third step prayer (found in the attachment below), and say it/internalize it many times each day. It works absolute wonders, we feel that we have to control everything especially our own minds; it's a failure on many levels and just makes us sicker and stupider over time. Things don't go our way and we then act out. We must learn to always Let Go and Let G-d.
Let go, let go, let go, it's one of the most important things we can hear.

I highly recommend and urge you all to read the below attachment daily and putting it into practice at once. This means when lust creeps in speak to Hashem calmly  in english and say something along the lines "Ribono Shel Olam I'm crazy, I can't deal with this, I'm giving it over to you, you deal with it, please run my mind, thoughts, and desires for me because I'm nuts and I can't do it". Say this calmly as if you are speaking to someone (bec. you are) not the way many people scrunch their faces up as if they are constipated when they daven Shemoneh Esraei (and you don't have to join the Shmoneh Esraei jumping jacks club either).

The same should be done when our mind starts racing or going places that we don't want it to. When anger, fear, anxiety, OCD, ego, self-centeredness, selfishness, resentments, shame, guilt, deppression, procrastination, jelousy, over thinking, fantasy or just our mind runs wild just stop and calmly daven.
It works, but for some it takes time and must be given a chance, try it for a few months and really mentally give your mind, life, and will over to the care of Hashem. We can't carry our burden or control the world, but Hashem can.

This should be done in all of life's situations where we can't control ourselves or others. When our In-Laws, spouses, parents, siblings, bosses, friends ect. are making us crazy we have a solution. Just stop, breath, speak to Hashem and give up the whole situation to him-to his control, and then just take the next right action That Hashem Wants You To Take, NOT the action that you want to take.

Here is Step 3 as written in The Big Book found on pages 60-63