Ask Not Whether, But How!

YY Jacobson Author and International Speaker

Kill the messenger?

Why were the spies condemned for reporting the facts?

Link to this great article at: http://bit.ly/2siPqYR

"The difficult we do immediately; the impossible takes a little longer". -- General Montgomery

The Hole in the Roof

A rabbi stands before his congregation and reports to them that a massive hole has been found in the roof of the synagogue

"Now I have good news and bad news for you," the Rabbi continues. "The good news is that we have the money to repair it; the bad news is that the money is in your pockets."

If We Win?

The story is told that the Israeli parliament, or Knesset, recently convened an emergency session to figure out a solution for the devastated Israeli economy.

One brilliant minister said, "Let's declare war on the U.S., and then, in the wake of the utter destruction America will bring upon us, we will receive billions of dollars for reconstruction, like Germany and Japan

"Sounds great," responded another member of the Knesset. "One problem: What will we do if we win the war?"

Twelve Jews on a Mission

This week's portion, Shlach, tells the story of 12 men who were dispatched by Moses from the desert to go and survey the Land of Israel and its inhabitants. The purpose of their journey was to prepare the Jewish people for the subsequent conquest and settlement of the Land

Upon discharging the spies on their mission, Moses presented them with a list of questions they needed to answer. "See the Land," Moses said to them. "How is it? And the nations that dwell in it—are they strong or weak? Are they few or numerous? And how is the land in which they dwell—is it good or bad? And how are the cities in which they dwell—are they open or are they fortified?"

When the 12 spies returned from their 40-day tour of Israel they presented to the people a report of their findings

"We arrived at the Land to which you sent us," the spies said, "and indeed it flows with milk and honey and this is its fruit. But the people that dwells in the land is powerful, the cities are greatly fortified and we also saw the offspring of the giant

"We cannot ascend to that people for it is too strong for us," the spies proclaimed

The report that the spies brought back demoralized the Jewish nation and drained it from the motivation to enter the Land. As a result, the spies were severely punished and the entire generation ultimately died in the desert, never making it into the Land. Only 39 years later, in the year 1276 B.C.E., did the children and grandchildren of this generation cross the borders of Israel and settle the Promised Land

Kill the Messenger?

One of the many questions raised by biblical commentators concerns the reason for the spies receiving punishment. Moses gave them a detailed list of questions about the Land; he instructed them to make their own observations as to what will await the people upon their arrival

This is exactly what the spies did. They came back with an answer to all of Moses' questions and reported what they perceived to be the reality of the situation. If Moses expected them to cover up their observations -- that the Land was inhabited by mighty men and its cities were greatly fortified -- he should have never sent them in the first place!

Why were the men faulted for relating what they had seen?

Introducing Paralysis

The answer is that if the spies had merely related to the people the reality of the situation as they saw it, everything would have been fine. But they did more than that. They used the difficulties they observed as an incentive to introduce the option of surrender and capitulation in the face of crisis

Had the spies returned and said, "Hey guys, we have seen a mighty people and well-protected cities in the Land, so now we need to devise an effective strategy of how to go about our challenging mission," they would have fulfilled their task splendidly. The moment they responded to the obstacles by saying "We cannot do it anymore," they swayed an entire people to abandon their G-d-given destiny

The spies are condemned in Jewish tradition for substituting the "how will we do it" with the "can we do it?"

Conquering Your Darkness

Each of us has a domain in our life that needs to be conquered, a terrain that needs to be transformed into a "holy land." Some of us need to battle fear, temptation, addiction, or shame. Since the challenges that lay in recovery's path are at times frightening, we are naturally tempted to believe that we are incapable of overcoming our darkness and we thus surrender to our demons

Though this feeling is understandable, it is a sad mistake that must be fought tenaciously, for it robs us of the opportunity to liberate our souls and arrive at our personal "Promised Land."

The option of resignation compels us to remain stuck for the rest of our lives in a barren desert made up of shame, insecurity and weakness

The question ought never to be, "Can I do it?" The resources to repair the hole in our personal roof are always present. Every problem can be dealt with. The only legitimate question is, "How do I do it?"

I started on Recovery when I was busted by my wife. I had been acting out for more than 30 years. That first night after I was busted, I went to sleep and I knew I was in big trouble with my wife. While lying in bed, I imagined myself in Beit Din Shel Mala at the end of my life. I was in the middle of a dark room surrounded by many people watching the Din. All of my acting out was played back and I felt a great dread that my Din was LeChova and there was absolutely no escape. I felt a deep fear. This was my rock bottom.

My wife had happened to be at a lecture by Rabbi Twerski where he talked about GYE for about 5 minutes. She told me that he said that this is only way to recover from this addiction. I wasn’t convinced I was an addict, but I was desperate to pacify my wife. The next day (Day 1), I went on GYE and signed up for the Chizuk mails and joined the 90 Day Chart. I spent a lot of time on GYE and two things made a great impression on me. One was a reply  from Rabbi Twerski where he said that if you know that a behavior is wrong, and you try to stop doing it and you are not successful in stopping the behavior, then you are an addict. The second was an article from someone who has been sober for more than two years. He wrote that when he starts to think that he has this licked then he knows that he’s in trouble. Next, I read a lot about the 12 Steps.

I spent my first two weeks in a severe crisis. My wife was a wreck and was barely talking to me. I had to take a hard look at myself and admit that I am a sexaholic. I studied the first step and tried to understand what it meant to be powerless over my addiction. I went through the following process:

1.      I admitted that I am a sexaholic. This was a huge blow to my ego. A more accurate description is that my ego was shattered.

2.      Because of the second article I saw on GYE, I realized that I had to start a lifelong process.

3.      I imagined myself in the same room where I had the Din. I shone a light around me and I discovered the part of me that is an addict. This part of me has been with me since I started acting out. Whenever I studied mussar and chassidut and tried to conceive of submitting my will to the Will of Hashem, this part of me was actively resisting. Whenever I tried to do Teshuva, including during Neila on Yom Kippur, this part of me was looking right over my shoulder and laughing at me. It was saying, “You can say what you want. You accept what you want. In the end, you will come back to me and continue acting out.” It was a huge revelation to shine a light on this part me. Just the fact that I discovered it and brought it out into the open, significantly diminished its power.

4.      At this point, I asked myself where do I go from here? I looked at the second and third steps and the answer was obvious. Once I had found the addict in me, I had to crush it. I submitted myself to Hashem and I asked him to help me. This was the first time in my life I felt I had truly submitted my will to the will of Hashem.

5.      This was an intense two-week process. I feel that I have never done cheshbon nefesh as I did during those two weeks.

What worked for me? I started with a reading list. I downloaded the Big Book and the GYE Handbook from GYE and read them cover to cover. I read Addictive Thinking and Teshuva through Recovery by Rabbi Twerski. I spent a lot time reading articles and testimonials on GYE.

I have been working one on one with Duvid Chaim since nearly the beginning of the 90 days. He has been a huge help in guiding me on the path of Recovery including teaching me many practical tools and exercises. I call in to Duvid Chaim’s 12-step call once or twice a week.

I find the daily Chizuk and Shmiras Ainayim mails to be very helpful. I start my day by reading them. They set the tone for the day. During the day, when I find myself getting bored (which was always a trigger for looking for inappropriate material on the Internet), I go on to GYE and read a few articles. This keeps me going for the rest of the day.

One of the big problems I always had was Shmirat Einaim in public. One of the best things I saw on GYE (and heard from Duvid Chaim) is that the first look is on God and the second look is on me. If I notice a pretty woman, I accept that I haven’t done anything wrong. I’m still clean. I have to concentrate on not staring and not looking a second time. This is much more difficult on a bus or train when the woman is standing next to me or sitting across from me. In these situations, if I’m having a hard time, I say a quiet Tfilla to Hashem (from the GYE Handbook), “Hashem, I cannot control my lust. I ask you to take it from me.” It works! My next trick when in a public place is to take off my glasses. It works wonders in a restaurant or when going for an exercise walk.

One of my biggest challenges with Shmirat Einaim was the thought that it was impossible to keep this up forever. In the past, I have tried to control this, especially around Yom Kippur. However, inside, I would always think that it's impossible to do this forever. This would eventually lead to a few failures and finally giving up. I want to relate this to driving. First, driving has always been a trigger point for me. When I would be driving around in town, I would always be looking around to see if there were pretty women walking on the sidewalk, crossing in front of me, etc. My point is that when driving, you always have to watch where you're going. You have to watch for other cars, traffic signs and pedestrians. I would never say that I can't forever watch where I'm driving and I'll just have to give up and drive without looking. It's the same with Shmirat Einaim. In the same way I realize that I will always have to watch where I'm going when I drive, so I realize that I will always have to be careful about my eyes every time I leave the house.

Throughout the 90 days, I have worked hard on davening to Hashem for help. I have found that my relationship with Hashem has progressed from a Rasha who is trying to daven to an angry disapproving Master to that of a son who is davening to his loving Father. I used to come into shul on Friday night and ask myself how I can accept the Kedusha of Shabbat after all of the acting out I have done during the week. Now I come into shul, I feel clean, I feel the Kedusha of Shabbat and I feel the love of Hashem.

I feel that Hashem took pity on me and sent my wife to bust me so that I would hit rock bottom. This sent me to GYE and saved my life.

I have already the used the program on the website. Including restricting the selection. I have not found anyone suitable. I will explain my situation below, and whoever thinks they can help me, please email me at endingevil@gmail.com. 

Ok, here's my story: I have struggled for many years. I mostly waste time with masturbating to Internet pornography. However, it's also possible now that I got an STI. I've done some risky things sexually, and as far as I'm concerned, I've hit "rock bottom" and it's time for a better life that I feel is only possible through either the 12-step program for addicts or something very much like it. I know that I just want to meet my Bashert and just have sex with her, rather than masturbate, and I know that with recovery, as well as how to disclose an addiction, when to disclose it, and what to disclose is all very tricky, and the same questions apply if I have an STI. I need guidance on all of this, for how to discuss this with women I date.

I'm in my early thirties, I am single, and Modern Orthodox. I need a sponsor, a partner, a Rabbi, a doctor, to live more meaningfully, get married. I'm in the greater Washginton DC Metro area. I want someone Modern Orthodox, preferably someone who has dated and has had good experience bringing up addiction with women. 

I’m not sure if I must be absolutely clean to be successful at managing my problems.

I need a partner for Chizuk. I need help finding an accountability partner. I need help with the filters. I need help with implementing effective positive-reinforcement and negative-reinforcement mechanisms, or similar mechanisms, such as TaPHSiC maybe, for example. I need "Recovery Homework", such as "read Chizuk emails for 10 minutes a day" or "arrange to speak with your partner for 15 minutes every day about your progress", etc.

Here is how I currently “administer” my “12-step program” or my “recovery model”

1.      I decided I want to put temptation as far away from me as possible. I struggle with masturbation, especially doing so while watching pornography.

2.      I tried to have filtered Internet access, where I don’t know the password. K9 is pretty good.

3.      I classify all activities one could do as either productive, not productive, or counter-productive activity – a productive activity is something that adds positivity. It makes one functional and ultimately happy. A non-productive activity doesn’t add positivity but also doesn’t add negativity, or the negativity is minimal. A counter-productive activity is negative – it makes one dysfunctional and ultimately unhappy. Examples of positive activities are trimming one’s nails, taking a showering, doing dishes, washing laundry, eating dinner, exercising, taking out the garbage, working for money, shopping, etc. Examples of counter-productive activities are usually engaging in the addiction or placing oneself at high risk for engaging in the addiction. High risk behaviors that have led me to masturbate, with or without porn, or, in some cases,  lack of behavior,  include: not having a filter on a computer, touching one’s privates when urinating or in the shower, unless it’s absolutely necessary, being upset or depressed about something so I feel a need to relieve stress, not being tired enough to easily fall asleep, due to not getting enough exercise, lying down randomly in my bed in the middle of the day, focusing on a sexual fantasy, instead of trying to let go of it, etc. My goal is that every time I feel tempted to engage in an addictive behavior that instead I do something else on my list that I know is productive. Then there’s praying to Hashem, which you can always do. I think if I can push off the addictive activity for long enough for the temptation to go away, then I’m well on my way to managing things well. Because if I can push it off once, I can push it off again. I can push it off as many times as I need to.