This on-and-off cycling sounds so familiar for me. Have you ever considered the possibility that your behaviors are addictive and that trying to stop cold just won't work? Things did not start working for me until I admitted the addictive nature of my porn and masturbation. There's this guy Dov who is a recovering sexaholic (20 yrs sober) who literally saved my life and my marriage. He has posts and audios on GYE (audios under Kosher isle, shiurim). I would give some of these a try. If they resonate at all I recommend contacting Dov by email, wequithiding@gmail.com. I call Dov my Recovery Rebbe. Also feel free to contact me at submittodaymg@gmail.com. We can talk on the phone if you're comfortable with that. Hatzlacha, chaver!!!!!

Hey mayan, I Iove your posts. Maybe you should join the phone conferences. Or take some other step. Make the fall worth it. Sry if that's not relevant. I wish you only the best. I know the anguish of this horrible addiction. 

AviSim wrote on 07 Aug 2017 17:02:

Sorry to hear all that

Freedom is here ;-)

My name is AviSim. I am 34 years old and have been struggling with viewing inappropriate materials and acting out since I was a preteen. In the past, I have wanted to stop the behaviors, but was afraid of letting them go; they were familiar and at times exciting.  In the last year, however, I was married, divorced and finally started therapy aimed at changing these specific behaviors. Though I have attended therapy intermittently for the last 20+ years, this has been the  first time directly focused on this particular issue.  My therapist and I both agree that I could benefit (and benefit others, perhaps) by participating in a community support environment such as this one.  Even though this is not my first time visiting the site or forums, it is my first time actively participating.  I want and need to make a real change to repair and replace these behaviors with healthy and holy practices.  BE"H this is the first step toward freedom from addiction and making real positive change.

Hello,

I have just fall after one year clean
I was on big nervosity and an emotionnal roller coaster since 2 weeks, and on the edge to fell.
Experience and tools of my year of sobriety helped me a much to stay sober, even in this storm.

But, when I was in the toilets last hour, I had a big attack, and started to m... and fall.
And, surprising, I was falling without p*rn (perhaps because it was too quick)

I am trying to keep all the good of this year, and all each of these 365 days of staying clean.
I am trying to repel that "everything is broken"

And also, this is the very first fall since my wife is aware about my addiction.
And, as I am obliged by my Tapshic, I have to tell her about my fall... not easy

This fall has arrived, but this isn't relapse I hope, just a stumble, to improve.

hi. as everyone has pointed out it is amazing that he opened up to you like that.
i really do not have the right to have an opinion on the matter, but some food for thought.
i think that you should proceed with caution. although you are very experienced with this issue, it may be a totally different issue than what you have. you are addicted and he is going through a stage almost every bochur goes through. its something that needs chizuk and some advice to help him pull through it till he matures. you will probably be more focused in helping him break it and make sure it doesnt turn into an addiction.
i agree with gibbor that a parent should be a role model in his childs eyes. but more than that, if he is so open to you he  probably looks up to you and if he hears what you are doing he may not have the maturity to see it as a struggle that doesnt make you into a bad person. he may start to look down at you and not trust you anymore in this area at least. he also may stop trusting all choshive people and then he may stop talking to you and may even not want to talk to a rebbi. (am i being to extreme?)
my advice is that you should talk to a rov to guide you on how to proceed. even if you were embarrassed in the past to expose yourself, the focus right now is your child and you can even let the rov know that you are helping yourself already and just want his guidance for your son.
who knows? maybe helping your son is your chance to have a real tikun for what youve done in the past, and even a zechus for the future.
Hatzlacha rabba.

On my gratitude list for today....     "thank you for hijacking my board"


Back to me.

I am thinking with my head and not my lust over here, I may be נוגע בדבר but don't write me off as נגוע בדבר. There is a big difference between them.   

So, i was thinking to myself, that on one hand if I don't get my lust under controll, specificly if I don't stop it altogether, Hashem will continue punnishing me for it.   i am going through a תקופה of devine punishment, and there is NO WAY it can be anything else that i have done other than internet shmutz and "shpritzing".  (appologies to all those SA guys who get aggrivated by me using cute-clean phrases like this, I get a "kick" out of getting on your "foulmouthed nerves").       On the other hand, other than the sin, it isn't affecting my life too much. Alittle true, but not anything unbearable. 

I am 100% certain that by being a truly active member of the 12 step program (maybe even SA again) i will be TRULY clean, for very long terms, if not forever!   on the other hand, i never was willing to "be part" of the fellowship, and they never wanted me either. I did the stepwork, went to groups, made a few freinds, answered incoming calls, and "did my own thing".    I was clean, lust-free,  happy,   growing, and did my tshuvah.                                but i don't want to be part of it, heaven-forbid remarry as part of such a thing??!?!?  I don't want to be a part of that thing,  and on the other hand it works (for me and others). Pardon my french but damn!   I want something else that works!  somehting more "normal", not a secret society of sluts and perverts!!            i hate living a secret life! I want to be openly proud of who i am, and NOT as part of a "gay parade" who pride themselves in their "sickness".


confused, cvetching, complaining...           it's good for me to "deal" with this issue. And don't anyone "recomend" for me to hit rock bottom, don't you dare. i am not a "real addict", but the program works!!!! i hate it, why does only the program that i DON'T want to be part of, why is that my only GUARANTEED sucess in this human battle against the yetzer hara!!!!              ahhhHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish i could make a deal with Hashem, i'll forgo my lust, turn it over to him, and he gives me endless money and a good career! 

BTW, i recently recalled WHAT part of my 1st step, worked for me in THE BEGINNING. It was SHAME-SURRENDER-בושה.    I came into every meeting and declared being clean "today i am clean" and wathched everyone's pittying expressions as they looked at me.   They where all sure i was truly 1 day clean, it REALY hurt me, and i did this at every meating, and it STATED KEEPING ME CLEAN IN THE BEGINING.             After a year, i kept doing it, and it hurt even more. FYI no-one ever asked me to speak, EVER, and that made me feel even more minuscule!!  And lust needs an EGO to exist, how why i never realy understood, just know that it ALWAYS worked to keep me clean.

Lomed,

I can see how that may work for the dentist etc., but I'd be nervous to say I still struggle (except maybe wish shmiras aynayim). Those other examples are things you overcame. I think saying that you still struggle may cause a sense of yiyush instead of hope. You have to be careful how/what you say.

Also, I think children should have a sense that their parents are - I'm not sure what word to use here, not perfect, not infallible, but somehow better higher... they should look up to a parent, and I think we can show that we are human, but our children should still look up to us.

I'm not neccessarily disagreeing. Just saying to proceed with caution and take it all into account.

CMH, It is amazing that your son spoke to you, and a testament to your relationship.

It's a tough balance to let your son know that it is something he should not be doing. It is destructive. It can be addictive. And at the same time. It is common, it happens, and he should not become depressed.

Parenting is the hardest job in the world. Yasher Koach to you for having an open relationship with your son.

I applaud you for taking the first step in getting out of isolation. For me that was also my first step. I'm just a bit crazy I suppose with all my own thinking, living totally "in my head" totally removed from reality. I receive daily emails from GYE which often have pieces written by this guy Dov. Thru GYE I hooked up with him and now participate in a bi-weekly conference call that he leads. Also, on the GYE menu under kosher isle, shiurim, Dov has a bunch of audios, one set called Dov's recovery takjs and the other Dov's 12-step talks. Can't say enough how much I have gained from these. I also began to attend live 12-step meetings for sex addicts in my area. Bottom line, GYE has some awesome resources to help, the only requirement is that you want to live a better life. If you are interested in either emailing me myself or asking how to get in touch with Dov (I call him my Recovery Rebbi) you can reach me at mgraiser613@gmail.com. Welcome to the club, brother!!!

Ok great!

Others have come here asking for advice how to fix others, e.g. Family they messed up, but themselves wasn't in the equation

Hey, taking it minute by minute sounds like things are tough

Addicts can do with living ODAAT
Non addicts can do with whiteknuckling One Week at a time 

Keep On Trucking ;-)

Hi.
I've been struggling for about 35 years.
things have generally been improving- I've made lots of gedarim, loads of successful personal work.
i realised that I have addictive tendencies, and that I still find myself doing stuff that I don't want to do. 
so i have joined GYE, I am really encouraged by all the people here fighting to be clean & neeman. it's given me a lot of strength- 10 days clean so far, it's BH going well. I wanted to consult with the chevra about this:
My son is 13.
He called me to pick him up in the car, he wanted to speak to me.
he was very upset- he'd fallen.
it took him a while, and lots of encouragement, and he eventually was able to say what had happened- hoz"l.
through the whole conversatio- even b4 he'd said what it was, I had given him messages tha loads of people fall, just gotta geddup & carry on- the yeser hora wants your soul, not the avera, 
anyway, it was a good shmues.

a few days later I initiated a conversation- he accepted the invitation. We talked about chizuk etc, I encouraged him to take a definite step- like something he would do b4 he fell. he said OK

I realised that the nrg was coming from me- and I realised that it must come from him. even if it takes longer, he has to do his own journey. he has to be the one talking.he has to bring me in, or wwhoever else will help him.

So I said- from now on, you come to me when you want to talk.

I'd be interested in feedback- should I offer him some accountability? make fixed times to talk?

I know that I'm the father, on site. No-one else can pasken this. but perspectives from other people with more & different xperieces might really help me.
​Thanks.

Manessmann wrote on 02 Aug 2017 15:48:

Great stuff, keep it up.

I also find life to be more difficult when clean, I miss my drug. But that's exactly what it is, a drug, I'm looking forward to finally living life bezrat Hashem one moment at a time.

My name is Moshe. I live in a pretty big Jewish community in the US and I have many struggles. I would like to document them as well as hear back from you guys whether it be chizuk, suggestions, or anything. 

I am single and the shidduch scene has been slow for me. I have not found the right girl yet. That being said I have struggled with porn addiction. Recently, I have taken the next step and hired a prostitute.... twice. Ever since that its been much harder for me to control myself and to be single. I am seeing a professional so dont worry; I dont need that suggestion. But I just want to let out my story and not keep it inside. This is the first step in figuring out my situation.

Sincerely,
Moshe

mikvehmayim wrote on 02 Aug 2017 23:34:

I wish my first post was as eloquent

Welcome to the club brother

Stick around and you'll learn a thing or two (no three's allowed here sorry)

Hi there, I wanted to reach out to the forum and introduce myself.  I have been struggling with addiction in this area for about 20 years, since I was about 20.  The main aspects of behavior in my addiction are viewing p**** images on-line and acting out with m****.  I go through different periods of "off" and "on", and I have had times that I have been able to stay clean for a while (perhaps a matter of weeks or months at the most) - but often (and currently) this has been a daily struggle.
I am sure that I share many of the feelings and struggles that I have seen on this forum.  The sense of presenting myself one way and being something else are of course very difficult.  In addition, I am amazed at myself for wasting so much precious time on this addiction.  It is totally hampering my ability to succeed in areas of life that I know are important to me.  I know that I am undermining myself in a huge way - but I have not yet broken out of this behavior after many tries. Thank G-d, I am married with kids, and on the whole, my family life is strong. Yet, I know that it would be much stronger if I can succeed in breaking past this.
I do think that it is key for me now to try and get out of isolation.  This is my first time posting on the forum.  I do recognize that this addiction thrives on being alone and "in the dark".   I would love to know what people suggest in terms of connecting with others who are struggling.  Is there a weekly or daily phone call that you would suggest?  Or any other suggestions in terms of getting connected to others would be appreciated. 

In addition, I think that I could use some help on a purely technical level.  Many years ago, I installed Webchaver on my computer and phone - and that helps a great deal.  However, Webchaver does not monitor app activity on the phone, and that has left some "holes" in apps that have "allowed" me to slip time and time again.  I would love to find out if there is someone that can give me some technical guidance to make some things on my phone inaccessible.  I am not in a community near a Vinishmartem group, so I would appreciate some help over the phone or by email.   
Thanks very much for any help or guidance, mikveymayim.