Hello,

I have just fall after one year clean
I was on big nervosity and an emotionnal roller coaster since 2 weeks, and on the edge to fell.
Experience and tools of my year of sobriety helped me a much to stay sober, even in this storm.

But, when I was in the toilets last hour, I had a big attack, and started to m... and fall.
And, surprising, I was falling without p*rn (perhaps because it was too quick)

I am trying to keep all the good of this year, and all each of these 365 days of staying clean.
I am trying to repel that "everything is broken"

And also, this is the very first fall since my wife is aware about my addiction.
And, as I am obliged by my Tapshic, I have to tell her about my fall... not easy

This fall has arrived, but this isn't relapse I hope, just a stumble, to improve.

Thanks for your honesty. This must take some courage to come here and say I fell, and then to rest the chart. I can relate, as i had a fall (relapse) after 690 days. I had to come here and to my home SA group and say I acted out. But for me the pain of the relapse itself was much more to the pain and shame to admit it to others. In fact i told my wife as well a few hours later.

For most wives, they are more hurt from  the lies we told them that from the actual acting out itself. They feel like fooled and living in a lie. So, when i come to my wife shortly after a fall, she is in pain, but she knows that she can still trust me, as I am not hiding anything from her. So she can move on. BH She was very supportive. She was shocked, almost the same as I was. she asked how can it be? she knew i worked a very serious program, and took my recovery at any length. So she wondered (and i myself also wonder)how can it be that i had a fall?

She kept on telling me that she believes in me and in my recovery, and that she is sure i will grow from this fall even stronger.

It seems to me that Hashem had this in plan for me. BH i am sober since the last fall, One day at time and grew a lot in terms of emotional sobriety, taking care of myself physically and emotionally.

Thanks for letting me share

Thank you very much for your message, it helped me a lot to find the forces to tell her about my fall, and how to tell her...

She was disappointed, for sure. She was glad I didn't saw p*rn pictures, because it's a very red line for her, more than motsi zera levatala. 
We talked about what to improve, in our lives and our relation. And she supported me to continue.

Yesterday was a good sober day.
But last night... Boom boom patatras : p*rn sites and a mad night

I am crying this morning with all fibers of my body.... All I done and I seen was absolutly disgusting and grotesque (especially after one year clean), and only bring me depression, sadness, anxiety, little sleep, and distance with all the world, my wife and my children... All this hours and days of suffering for 2 minutes of fake pleasure.

I didn't want to do it, but it was too powerful.
I am davening with tears to Hashem to help me, I am absolutly powerless with lust... Even all the will can do nothing against this addiction when there is an attack .
I am asking Him to take me with all my dust, and to help me, because only Him can do it.

I am shouting to this monster, I am shouting to him that his will is not my will, this is not what I want to be, this is not my world, this is not an escape at all. He can try to take my flesh, my bones, my blood, but he will never take my soul, he will never take my family, he will never take my work, he will never take my olam haba...

And because I know this, and I know that the Ribono shel Olam is next to us, even in the darkest moments, that He is awaiting us to call Him, to cry to Him, to ask Him for help, so there is hope...

Enough with all this lust ! Enough of suffering ! Enough of broken familys and broken lives ! Hachem must bring us Moshiah quickly, before all am Israel will be trapped in all this tuma. 
And then all this will be like a bad dream.

Leave Moshiach out of this for a minute. Our Lust is our issue, not his. A few things.

1) How did you stay clean for as long as you did? What program are you working?

2) Do you have a filter? They are by no means the answer, and are sometimes part of the problem, but if you can easily access pornography then it might be a good idea to get one.

I feel your pain very much; i know the feeling well. What I've found is that it pays to take it in stride, to be a little less dramatic about your fall.

Get back up, get rid of this fear, and move on. 

also, see if anything is bugging you that's causing you stress and see what you can do about it.

Wishig you Hatzlacha, 

Just about my sayings on Moshiach, it was written in a moment of despair. It was just a cry of my heart.

My program :
- Taphsic with a special clause to tell to my wife if I fell. This works well with me
- Filter on my Smartphone. Not a perfect one, but strong enough. My wife keeps the password. It's Funamo for information
- Home computer doesn't have Internet connection at all
- At work (home of many falls), I moved to a place where everybody can see at every moment what I am seeing on my screen
- I read 'hizuk email both in english and french EVERY morning. This is mandatory
- Working on 12 steps with books
- ONE DAY AT A TIME !!! And not thinking too much about my passed days count because it could lead to pression, too much confidence, and a quick fall.
- Shares with my wife. Saying honestly all I can say to her about the addiction, to save her confidence. If there is an alert, I call her : very efficiant to stay calm.
- Talks with a partner (not on a regular basis, I recognize). This is very different of talking with my wife.
- GYE forum and mails with admin of french GYE website, especially for special problems and questions
- Work on middos : especially on emouna, to let Hachem doing the things and to stop to control everything. And on nervosity, of course.
- Internalize that women in the streets and internet are not my objects ! 
- Work on 'hessed with my wife and children
- Staying vigilant.  Constant vigilance !     If a danger zone is coming, avoid it ! This is a key. A lack of vigilance led me to my fall last night.
So I have to Internalize well the first step for this, that I am powerless with lust and I have to avoid triggers and dangerous situations by any mean.


About stress and my will to control everything, it's my biggest trigger. This is where I have to work the much.

The more difficult now is to get up. I feel like I have to rebuild a mountain.... But I know this is false.

.
If I can avoid triggers and that will do the job - why am I powerless?Do you think that you can actually achieve a full 360° protection from all triggers in a manner that will save us from temptation  and you'll be safe?
the Big Book says (pg 100-101):
Assuming we are spiritually fit, we can do all sorts of things alcoholics are not supposed to do. People have said we must not go where liquor is served; we must not have it in our homes; we must shun friends who drink; we must avoid moving pictures which show drinking scenes; we must not go into bars; our friends must hide their bottles if we go to their houses; we mustn’t think or be reminded about alcohol at all. Our experience shows that this is not necessarily so. We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there is something the matter with his spiritual status. His only chance for sobriety would be some place like the Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin every thing! Ask any woman who has sent her husband to distant places on the theory he would escape the alcohol problem​.
In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure. If the alcoholic tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time, but he usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever. We have tried these methods. These attempts to do the impossible have always failed. 
If the above is true for you - in your personal experience, than perhaps the situation is truly hopeless on your own resources and techniques.
for the real lustaholic, trying to avoid triggers (as described above) is truly not a solution, and usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever.
once the reality of our condition is defined, a suitable solution can be applied.
G-D bless

Wow, i can smell the pool of self pity that you are swimming in. And its nasty. Thank you for reminding me of how disgusting a place that is and how much i need to avoid it. If I hate my self, then how am i ever going to recover? How could i ever believe that God loves me and that God cares about me, that God is going to help me recover? Oy vey! I pray that God lifts you out onto dry land!

David26fr wrote:
What does this mean? How are you working the 12 steps? Are you working them with a sponsor?

dont give up wrote on 13 Aug 2017 22:59:

I am not recognizing in this, and I am totally agree with what you said, because my personnal work is not only about avoiding triggers... But also about working on myself.
And I experienced many times when I was beginning in GYE theses explosions.

Since I joined GYE in 2013, my situation is really better, I feel that I progressed a lot by much aspects, and my falls are really less frequent...
So I think I am in the good way, but there is improvements or changes to do.

As this fall reveals to me that I have to improve, to find what I have to change in my journey or something new to do.
dms1234 wrote on 14 Aug 2017 19:43:

Reading SA big book and others books about 12 steps,  working about them. Alone I recognize

The problem is, in France, I found it difficult to find a sponsor to help me on a regular basis to work on 12 steps.
My oral hebrew and oral english are not enough good to do it in these languages