Welcome. Obviously you do want to stop or you would not be posting. Hang around here and you will learn many chidushim; among them you will iyh find out that sex with a spouse and masturbation are worlds apart.

This is my first time posting on this forum
though I’m not a stranger to addiction 
im trying to find some accountability for my behavior even if it is anonymous:
in short I have no emotion called love.​i only love desire and only if it’s free and easy. I don’t love anyone, not even myself and definitely not my Creator. 
I enjoy other people’s pain and lack any sympathy. 
Ideally I would love to grow a heart. 
I would love to scream to HaShem that I love Him and I’m going to be better but I can’t do it. 
I’m emotionally numb. 
So im trying to get some accountability finally. Im not clean, and I have no idea how I let this happen to myself. 
I feel like All I Love is desire and lust,
i cant function without my ‘stuff’. 
I keep thinking that if I just get my lust fix my life will be manageable and of course it’s not. 
Ive stopped trying to surrender to a higher power so now I’m surrendering to the forum. I’m powerless against this lust. I know I can’t fight my desires so I’m asking the group to forgive me and lead me back on the narrow path I abandoned so long ago.
please help because I don’t want to be dead anymore.
sincerely and truly,
dead man walking 

I personally would break for a day or two and watch some Free videos, rather than tightrope walking

And the analogy to Lashon hara?
I don't know which websites cater to those problems, but I am aware of a website that guides people to a lust free life free of charge, so why not try succeed at something in the world?

So  First.  Not sure of the Etiquette of this forum.  Do  I post this here or in the 90 count or somewhere else.
 I am struggling in certain areas.  First
I  dont know where I stand.    
   I have four  addictions that I am trying to break.

1) Masturbation
2)  Video watching
3) x-rated Image Viewing
4) Story Reading

  I am doing a 90 chart, failed  #1 and #4  already  #2 and #3  are doing okay so far.  I am not sure if i should start the 90 day count again,  reason being against it is because thne I could say great lets take a break for a day or two and watch some Free videos.  Since the streak is now over.
     The second thing is  I am having a hard time figuring out why masturbation is wrong.  
  
  I know in terms of technically terms it leads to the spilling of the seeds and that is a torah prohibition.   But thats not good enough for me.    I can go through all the Torah commandments and find many that i dont keep as I should. Alot of those I would think would appear to be of a higher priority,  for example,
Lashon Hora.

The second thing is that  for me sex with the Wife and Masturbation is  very similer.  The only difference is one  I  put the seed on the ground and the other it goes into my wife or does not go in.   But the thoughts and techniques that are used are basically the same.   So this makes it very hard for me to stop.   

Anyways thats  where I stand right now.

Hi GYE friends, baruch hashem i'm still clean I'm doing it by concentrating on ODAAT, regarding me feeling down and depressed i started exercising nightly and going out with my friends and baruch hashem i've been feeling much better..... its been a process but I'm determined that this time iy'h i will do it! Has anybody found CBT helpful in dealing with this addiction has i think by me the addiction is my way to hide my emotions as such CBT might be better in my case than 12 steps anybody have any thoughts on this? 

I'm honestly not sure what triggered this addiction. It's not an every day fall BH but around 3-5 times a month.

still thought I want to get married and need to conquer this flaw. 

As a disclaimer, I haven't seen the article that you mentioned.  Imo though, it's going to be impossible to give a exact number when the addiction stops.  It's clearly going to depend on a million other factors, such as length of the behavior, type of behavior, psychological makeup of person, stressors etc.  I'm not even sure what that means to "break" a habit/ addiction.  There's no switch in a person that goes off after a predetermined amount of time.  It might get easier gradually but it's a far cry from saying that the habit is changed.  All that these studies can say is that in this specific setting of the story, this is what occurred, but I'm a little skeptical that these can be generalized.  These numbers are nice for setting goals though and might indicate good amounts to try and strive for.

I had some falls last night and this morning.  I was reading the GYE book and it talked about what hitting bottom means and how it's related to the first step of admitting you are powerless over your addiction.  I understood what they were saying to be that the main thing is to realize that whatever level your addiction is on, you are powerless over it.  I don't think that it has to be getting worse or completely destroying your life, just that at whatever level it's at, it's uncontrollable.  I'm starting to see that more clearly now.  To someone who knows how this works, is this true?

Hi,I'm currently 22 years old and have been learning in yeshiva for the past few years. Ever since I was about 14 years old, I've been addicted. At different times it's been better or worse, ranging from acting out daily to weekly, and rarely better. I've tried everything, my smartphone doesn't even have an internet browser. But somehow I always manage to find an unfiltered device, borrowing from friends or other ways. I just can't stop, I've followed many of the tips and tools on the website, and I even donate to support because I really believe the site helps so many people, but it hasn't worked for me yet. At this point I'm seriously dating, and feel like I'm hiding a part of me from her so that she won't break it off. I really need to stop, and nothing has worked so far.Thank you for all of your help already, moadim l'simcha,Shmuel

I  dont know where I stand.    
   I have four  addictions that I am trying to break.

1) Masturbation
2)  Video watching
3) x-rated Image Viewing
4) Story Reading

I have been masturbating since I was  13 years old.   I have been watching  videos on the internet for the past 10 years.  I have been viewing images for about 20 years and story reading for around 25 years.  
  
I am doing the 90-day chart.   So far   I am not watching any videos or viewing any x-rated images.  
 but  I am not doing so well with the Masturbation or story reading.   
   The story reading is very hard for me to stop as the stories i am reading are not x-rated stories but rather pg-13 stories with sex scenes in them.  Then i let my imagination do the rest.    But  Its not like i can put a filter on them, as these are stories that you can download from amazon.com .  So looking for some advice on how to do deal with this.  As I d feel I am starting to justify my actions too much
which needs to stop.  So   Just wanted to share a current struggle I am going through.

What is the difference between a habit and an Addiction?

In the Succot addition of Mishphica Magazine.  In the Family first Section,
their is an article  on  Breaking Habbits.  Where they say  it takes 30 days to change a habbit.  
They then had  5 or so women try to change a habbit and  to journalize the progress.   
So  what do you think if this study?    

Gut Moed Chevreh,

Doubting if anybody will be online in this hallowed period, not withstanding the tests of time and seeing how we should IY”H all improve and reach a level of azivas HaChayt in the days which went and are coming. A hard struggle it is to somebody who can't get over the fact that he is a hardened addict who went several times out of bounds to get a fix. At least I dare now to say that I know that I have a serious problem. B”H I finally mustered enough courage to ask my wife shetichyeh to change the password of the computer (of which I know the password of the filter so that computer I can not use anymore. Hence my recent recordbreaking period of staying away.

Yes! I was climbing the wall several times, but at least I was able to stay clear in the meantime. Yes I hear you thinking already, when is this guy going to do some serious work about it. Telling you the truth: I don't know.

I am uneasy about the 12-step program and its own jargon and culture. How much it took me to become part and parcel with Yiddishkeit, and now on top of that this. Of course I don't say that the 12-steps are not the path. But the Yetser Horah puts me off. Trying to plot on the strength that HKB”H gives me Boruch Hashem. It has been the most hopeful start of the new year.

Of course I know that falling is always possible, but nevertheless I feel like I forged a real relationship with the Aibishter. Thinking the Hakodesh as a real entity and a loving Father (and mother). This has helped me tremendously and it is a support like no other. In difficult times I feel I can talk to somebody, namely Hashem Boruch Hu. The loving embrace of a mother and he newborn that is what I think of and what I (at times) feel.

Hashem Yaazor that (whilst I shouldn't loose my sanity) that everybody will be able to be misbonayn in this and shep the same type of strength from it as I do. I personally think ( and I see you already eye-ball-rolling) that the answer to many of these type of problems is to make a real relationship with Hashem.

May HKB”H help us all getting sober (including our minds) in this year, Gut moed Gut Yomtuv.

Back to your initial post.

Porn, apart of it being a desire like the desire to eat (although it's much stronger), its main destruction is not in it being a desire, bad lust. Rather, we abuse this desire to fill all our voids in life. So whenever we face a challenge, instead of facing it heads on and trying to solve it, it is far easier to run away and distract ourselves with something. Now that something needs two main criteria; a VERY STRONG DISTRACTION (so it fits all our problems, even the toughest ones) and instant availability. There is nothing better than porn to fit these criteria. That's why is so addictive and so destructive. When I think two minutes before I start watching porn what is my main driver (or should I say trucker?) to do this, the answer will almost always be a tough situation that I'm trying to avoid. Is it stress, criticisms etc. Not lust.

But after all is done, porn will always make my problems worse, not better. Finding myself with a worse situation on my hand than with what I started, I increase the chances to run away to porn again very soon. That's the downwards spiral we are all familiar with. 

So if instead of running to porn, I will work on solving the challenge, I might find that I'm not so lustful after all. 

Well said bgit! I can definitely identify with the not hitting bottom (yet?) problem, and I was also wondering how essential it is to recovery. From what I understood from Dov, no concepts (Torah or otherwise) time (like yom kippur) or family (getting married, pretty wife etc) can effectively stop us in the long run. Only life-changing events (hitting bottom?) can. Fortunately (or should I say sadly?) I haven't reached that point yet. But for me, it being isser per se isn't a drive either. If I would see an online lushen horah recovery group, I can bet you I would not sing up anytime soon; although I know that it's usser (and has many many issurim involved, as the chufetzchaim mentions in his hakdama. Whereas masturbation per se is at its best an issur med'rabunun). So is wanting to have a better relationship with my wife what drives me here? Nah. I wouldn't go in such length for her and give up something so dear and part of my being as of yet. I doubt many people will. Is it a recent yom kippur kabbalah? also not. So what is it???

But somehow, I feel that masturbating inherently feels wrong. There's hardly any avirah that has so much guilt attached even after repeating it so many times than masturbating. And it's not even the act itself, for I never felt any guilt whatsoever after having relationship with my wife. Somehow, sex with myself feels so wrong, and sex with my wife feels so right and good (although not as fulfilling, but that's another issue). This is a natrual response, and has nothing to do with my belief system (although if you really believe it's okay, you can fight the guilt and it will gradually disappear, but that is not to say that guilt wasn't there). missing zman kr"sh or tefila never feels so bad. 
B'h, in the last two years my relationship with Hashem has constantly been improving. My Emunah is much stronger, mu betuchen has improved tremendously, I talk to him almost every day. The closer we get, the more I feel that being close to him and watching porn and masturbating don't go together. It is probably the one thing that is the most opposite of being close to hashem (far more than any other aviarh, as I mentioned earlier). 

So I would say that the guilt, relationship with Hashem, and the mere fact that as much as I try to stop, it just won't work (which rings like addiction, although I'm still not sure if I am one). Is that a good enough force? I guess time will tell. But somehow I feel that a close relationship with HaShem is a stronger drive than say, a relationship with my wife. I am not talking about the mere fact that I'm a jew and it's usser, rather about a strong personal relationship directly with Hashem. 

Anyways bgit, have a great day, and may we be matzliach to stay clean for TODAY!

NaharDinur wrote on 03 Oct 2017 05:49:

Welcome brother

Great to hear you're doing well

Whats running your sobriety engine if I may ask