How do I know if I am really an addict?

Gents,

We are all standing on our tippie toes, neck-deep in the Mikvah water. It's not pleasant being here, but it can be. Our guard is down (yaakov?). We can be somewhat defenseless, but we can also behave like men. Pseudonyms, hidden masks, disguises, double identities, mistaken identities, frauds, etc. can only go so far, or can it? I am a member of all the above. Can't this place be a safe haven even without all the sensitivities? Most of us are anonymous. Some of us have met in back alleys, coffee shops, sleazy bars and clubs, park benches, etc. Let's remember that our clothing is in the locker room. We all wear the same shirt and pants (in general terms). Can we not smile, cajole, laugh, mock, criticize, etc. (Is there a rule against using etc. too many times in one paragraph?) Is it too difficult to just get along with each other's idiosyncracies? I don't mean getting along as in friends, but more like colleagues. We don't always need to see eye to eye, and we should not be afraid to tell each other that, even in a direct manner. Yes, we'd like people (all 26 of us) to be able to freely post on the forum and perhaps receive some productive and worthwhile assistance, but does that mean we must agree with everyone's stupidities, foolishness, immaturity, intensities, etc. (Oops, did it again, and I also switched the tenses)? I don't know. Let's just not be so serious. Are we actually afraid that someone might actually listen to one fellow and not to the other? And if yes, who really cares? Do we have the monopoly on sounds advice? Heck, I know I don't (even though I might tell you that I do). What's the worst that can happen? He will stay a lust addict. Big deal! Join the club!

sleepy wrote on 27 Aug 2019 00:13:

Your post is funny to me. Without getting into the whole "sick" topic which has to do with addiction, you wrote (not exact quote) "If I'm bad and want to do teshuva, then I'm actually good" sounds like you answered your own question, no?

SFTTsrvnt wrote on 25 Aug 2019 23:46:

Welcome to the GYE community.  By the way, it will be helpful if you start your own thread.

Hello GYE community,
I'm 22 years old, I grew up in a modern orthodox community going to coed school from k-12. I was exposed to shmutz when I was in 4th grade (around 10 years old) by a friend who saw it on his older brother's computer. When I was younger I was a bit addicted to porn and masturbation as a way to explore sexuality and to relieve stresses as a confused kid going to a coed school with no guidance on my body and how to deal with my thoughts and new urges. When I got to high school I knew it wasn't good but couldn't stop because I felt that it helped me keep myself calm. 
When I went to yeshiva in Israel they had a program for the bachurim to help deal with this issue. While I was there I was able to deal with it and not have any issues! Though after my time in yeshiva I came back to America to go to University...Due to stress of classes and life along with the occasional boredom I fell hard back into my "old ways"...I for the past years that I've been back in America I've been struggling how to deal with this problem and it has really been paining me inside. I mentioned to a Rav of mine that I need a new filter on my phone and a way to deal with this, and he told me about this website. That was earlier this summer. I kept pushing off joining because I thought maybe I can do this by myself, until today where I just have had enough and need to change. I need to get this in order so I can function normally and hopefully one day get married. I hope you guys can help me fulfill my dream of conquering this tayvah!

I have had enough. Today I knew I was planning to visit the kotel in the afternoon, with my wonderful wife and ba'h 4 kids, and every reason to be happy and content. Yet I found myself feeling compelled, yet again, to revert the 'usual procedure'. All of three days since the last time, including Friday and Shabbos, the easiest days (for me) not to fall.

I have been trying to establish a streak of clean days in recent weeks, but have never got past around 10 days without reverting to my old ways. Coming on this forum is a big step for me. I feel like a complete fraud. People view me as a serious, working/learning guy, in a frum neighbourhood, with kids in frum schools, yet I am addicted to internet pornography, in the sense that I have wanted to stop viewing it for many years and have never managed to break free.

Every year in the yomim noroim I honestly promise Hashem that I will never do it again, and every year I break that promise, often within days of making it. ENOUGH. I cannot go on like this. I have to get a grip, and I am sharing my story in order to kick-start a real change.

BN I will post here each day to update people how I am doing. My plan has some simple elements:
1. My computer has web chaver installed, which is difficult to uninstall. Traditionally I therefore use my phone for porn, where web chaver is more easily uninstalled. I need to find a way to render my phone less of an easy michshol.
2. Until now, I have always managed to maintain a basic learning schedule alongside my porn use, but recently, I have lost all desire to learn Torah. This is ridiculous, as I love learning and genuinely enjoy it once I am doing it. Therefore, I need to establish a morning learning session of 1 hour of gemara.
3. As mentioned, I will BN post on this forum once each day until after Succos to update readers on how I am progressing, be'zras hashem.

Thank you for your support!!

R' Shafier speaks about this in his "Fight" series.  Many ppl were put in certain situations that were nearly impossible to overcome.  Their nisayon was not to overcome that specific challenge.  Rather, once they were put in that situation how did they respond?  Once they became addicts, did they seek the necessary help?

gyehelp2017 wrote on 21 Aug 2019 17:58:

I heard another pshat, that a person is born with the ability of free choice, if he became an addict and lost free choice, then ye he chose to take that path which eventually took away his power of free choice.

It's like a person which makes himself deadly ill to a point that he has zero control to choose to live because at that stage it's too late, he used his "free choice" to end up in a situation which can't be backtrackted.

Markz wrote on 21 Aug 2019 17:38:

As I once heard from Rabbi Avrohom J. Twersky speaking about concept in the 12 steps - being 'powerless', and someone asked him that according to torah we always have Bichirah, how can that work together? He answered brilliantly, that yes! We always have bichirah to do whats right, for some with their own power, and others that are powerless themselves (according to the 12 steps) with the help of others outside of ourselves (Higher power, group meetings, the steps.....). But we always have the power to get to the bottom line to overcome even the worst addictions, each to their own.

serenity wrote on 23 Jul 2017 03:53:

Bump

First two are spot on, we believe everyone has the power to stop on their own, obviously with group support but no need for higher powers, we're not powerless.

Also we don't label ourselves as addicts in our introductions, however when we discuss SMART tools we do call it addiction. 

12 steps is a more spiritual program, SMART is scientific which would work for atheists as well. 

I've only been to 3 sessions so far so my knowledge is limited, I didn't go last week because I'm not happy with that locations administrator, too much talking and wasting time, and not serious enough. 

Either I'll find a new location or perhaps do online meeting, also I can't be open about my sexual issues as no one else in that group has a sexual issue so it's not helpful enough as there's no real honest, vulnerability etc. 

On another note last night I had a fall, I reached around 70 days, longest in a year! Also quickest I've ever risen again, and I didn't watch porn like I always did once I fell by mastrubating, so we're definitely getting somewhere BH.

Shnitzkugel:
Would you elaborate more on the nature of the SMART program? I could help by starting and then you can take over...

As it seems to me from the outside, one major point is that it's empowering rather than the dis-empowering powerlessness approach of the 12 steps. Another major one is that it doesn't label addiction as an incurable disease. Yet another one is that it focuses more on building your life, adding positive goals and working towards them. Now the mic is yours, take it please..

I am glad that you succeeded to identify your triggers, it's a very big step to recovery....

Because, when the trigger is coming, you can identify it and make action, before you get on the addiction train and the autopilot takes control to lead you to the fall

Keep the good work !

Welcome !

Hachem will help you in your journey

Take it day by day (even hour by hour), and think about a program in short term and long term : what I do to improve myself, what I do against addiction every day, what is my goal ( an atteinable goal !), what I will do when there is an attack ("a fresh wind"), ou an urge ("hurricane is coming"). And, also (we hope no) : what to do to get quickly up after a fall.

Thank for sharing the story with the Rabbi, it was very inspirating for me !

Hi,
Welcome to my life. I’ve been an addict for about 3 years now. It’s been tough. Really tough. I don’t like it. I actually hate it! I’ve tried so many times to get out of this, but to no avail. I haven’t been trying to help myself for 3 years, but I’ve been addicted for 3 years. The past year plus, I started to try and help myself. I’ve tried different things which we’ll leave out (cuz quite clearly they didn’t work). I’m now starting my 90 day challenge. And a challenge I’m sure it’ll be! But if I post, I’ll feel more of a responsibility. Obviously just posting is not the answer. I’m also gonna work with the tools given in the GYE handbook and all the tips given here on this site. For today I’m gonna get through it because I’m determined. This determination will not last. I know it won’t. It never does. But for today it will. Cuz today I Davened to Hashem for it to work. And today I’m posting about my challenges. And today I’m gonna win. B’ezras Hashem from today... until forever!

I’ll be back to keep you all posted on my challenge. Hopefully having you all at my side will be extremely helpful!


Thank you all in advance and most of all THANK YOU HASHEM!