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TOPIC: Enough 1263 Views

Enough 25 Aug 2019 09:38 #343073

I have had enough. Today I knew I was planning to visit the kotel in the afternoon, with my wonderful wife and ba'h 4 kids, and every reason to be happy and content. Yet I found myself feeling compelled, yet again, to revert the 'usual procedure'. All of three days since the last time, including Friday and Shabbos, the easiest days (for me) not to fall.

I have been trying to establish a streak of clean days in recent weeks, but have never got past around 10 days without reverting to my old ways. Coming on this forum is a big step for me. I feel like a complete fraud. People view me as a serious, working/learning guy, in a frum neighbourhood, with kids in frum schools, yet I am addicted to internet pornography, in the sense that I have wanted to stop viewing it for many years and have never managed to break free.

Every year in the yomim noroim I honestly promise Hashem that I will never do it again, and every year I break that promise, often within days of making it. ENOUGH. I cannot go on like this. I have to get a grip, and I am sharing my story in order to kick-start a real change.

BN I will post here each day to update people how I am doing. My plan has some simple elements:
1. My computer has web chaver installed, which is difficult to uninstall. Traditionally I therefore use my phone for porn, where web chaver is more easily uninstalled. I need to find a way to render my phone less of an easy michshol.
2. Until now, I have always managed to maintain a basic learning schedule alongside my porn use, but recently, I have lost all desire to learn Torah. This is ridiculous, as I love learning and genuinely enjoy it once I am doing it. Therefore, I need to establish a morning learning session of 1 hour of gemara.
3. As mentioned, I will BN post on this forum once each day until after Succos to update readers on how I am progressing, be'zras hashem.

Thank you for your support!!

Re: Enough 25 Aug 2019 10:17 #343074

  • jack123
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your resolve is to be admired. similar situation here.
just want to share a tip I heard, don't ever think about not doing it, that just causes internal struggle which inevitably leads to doing it. rather think 'Im clean and sober' and therefore it doesn't come in  at all.
workd wonders with me

Re: Enough 25 Aug 2019 14:40 #343082

  • redfire
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Go for it!!!

I dont know you, but rest assured i care about you, my holy brother.

Re: Enough 25 Aug 2019 16:45 #343088

  • Captain
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You came to the right place! Check out the forums and Daily Chizuk Boost Emails and the ebooks.

Also if you feel that your emotional connection to Yiddishkeit is flat, try listening to some lectures from Rabbi Ben Zion Shafier. He has uplifting speeches on a variety of topics that strengthen our core and our connection to Yiddishkeit. See his website www.TheShmuz.com. (And they are free  .) Changed my life and many others' too.
In the place where ba’alei teshuva stand, even pure tzaddikim who never sinned cannot stand. (Rabbi Avohu, Brachos 34b)

Best way to break free: https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation. Try it and see!

Re: Enough 25 Aug 2019 17:47 #343091

  • gyehelp2017
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Brightdawn60 wrote on 25 Aug 2019 09:38:
I have had enough.
 ENOUGH. I cannot go on like this. I have to get a grip, and I am sharing my story in order to kick-start a real change.

BN I will post here each day to update people how I am doing.

3. As mentioned, I will BN post on this forum once each day until after Succos to update readers on how I am progressing, be'zras hashem.

Thank you for your support!!

Hi and welcome,
Please keep us updated with your daily posting, we will iy"h be looking out for your success (or c"v ...... so that we can encourage each others), please keep us posted.
Hatzlucha!!

Re: Enough 25 Aug 2019 19:32 #343092

  • Yerushalmi
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I have a similar situation. For over 20 years, each Yom Kipur I would resolve to make a serious effort to not look ay inappropriate stuff online, and not to masturbate. It did not take long, to break this commitment. 
It was only when I found this site, and joined the 90 day program, hoping but not really expecting to make it, that I saw real progress! 

PS There is a site called venishmartem.com that offers advice regarding filters for different devices.

Re: Enough 25 Aug 2019 19:43 #343093

Thank you so much!

Re: Enough 25 Aug 2019 19:45 #343094

Aye captain, thanks so much for the support. So good to know I am not alone

Re: Enough 26 Aug 2019 12:49 #343112

  • Dave M
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Welcome to the GYE community.  Your post was very well written and honest.  Honesty is really the first step to overcoming these challenges.  By the way, have you had a chance to start reading through the GYE handbook?  You will find that it contains many great tools and perspectives to approaching this nisayon. 

Hatzlacha brother.  Looking forward to hearing your progress on this journey. 

Re: Enough 26 Aug 2019 13:10 #343116

  • ColinColin
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Brightdawn

I think you have to work out what is driving you to this behaviour.

Is there something deep down that is making you do this?

Like somewhere deep in you psyche, a low sense of self esteem that compels you to try and destroy good things in your life?

Or is it a response to stress...a stress release?

Once you know...then it can help you work on a plan.

In the meantime..take things hour by hour,

Re: Enough 27 Aug 2019 12:52 #343151

One full day clean - here we go...

Re: Enough 27 Aug 2019 13:05 #343152

I have just been looking at some of the material on theshmuz.com and it is very impressive; thank you for the introduction.

Re: Enough 27 Aug 2019 13:06 #343153

  • redfire
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one day at a time wins the race

Re: Enough 27 Aug 2019 13:09 #343154

I am not in a position to judge this in an independent way, but I do not think my behavior is rooted in a disturbance in my past; I think the problem is that I have always had a strong sexual drive, and it was 'fed' from an early age by exposure to pictures in newspapers/magazines, at first, and then from age 13 the internet. The one hiatus was in yeshiva, where I genuinely had no internet access for long stretches; but whenever I was home for bein hazemanim etc I would head straight back to the shmutz. Looking back it was such a wasted opportunity. Thank you so much for caring!

Re: Enough 27 Aug 2019 14:37 #343155

  • redfire
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your struggle seems very similar to mine, in the past.....you can do it!

I do not want to write on a forum how long i have been clean for, but with Hashem's help and focusing all my desire on my wife, its been a long time since i feel.

Believe me, i desire women and images and p*rn as much as anybody. If i can find my way out you can too!

i still come here from time to time for chizzuk when i feel my desire growing to an unhealthy level.

Chazak!
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