Every person and every situation is different. As was mentioned, the decision that "I am not going to be doing this stuff anymore" is paramount. To that end, filters should be installed, accountability partners put in place, and rewiring the brain must begin. There has to be clarity "why I am stopping".
My opinion is that pornography has to be stopped cold turkey. The way to break out is simply being free from it for a period of time. Every time it is viewed, it is like opening a doorway that was cemented shut. Watching "once in a while" makes it extremely difficult to stop due to it's addictive nature.
Masturbation is a little different. There are therapists that have helped guys break free by going from once a day to once every other day to twice a week etc. until they are clean. At the same time many guys successfully stopped masturbation cold turkey.

When a person who is struggling wants to start being clean is it better to take small steps at a time or to right away go cold turkey? 
This might depend on how deep a person is and if he is really addicted...
From one side, going cold turkey can be too hard to achieve so taking baby steps seems more realistic, from the other side as long as the person still acts out even if its less than before, he might still be fully pulled back in...
Not sure what the right balance is...

I'm asking this to be able to help people that reach out for help and they ask, whats my first step?

Hi All

117 - still clean

Yesterday was tough, but eventually the urges did blow over. It's a very important lesson for me that no matter how hard it seems and however sensible it seems to just give up, my attitude and feelings will change and the urges will subside in time.

This brings me to a personal bugbear of mine. I have been in SA for a number of years, and there is a big thing there (and here to some extent) of being "powerless" over the addiction. Now I don't pretend to know what each individual means when using that word, but for me it always meant that I have no control over the addiction and was a subtle way of me abdicating responsibility for my own sobriety (maybe recovery too). What this led to is when the going got tough, and I mean really tough, like yesterday, it was one additional factor in me "giving in". Now to be clear, I am not blaming SA, GYE or anyone else for my addiction, slow recovery or anything else. My recovery is solely my responsibility. If something is not working for me it is my responsibility to identify that thing and change my approach if necessary. However the fact is that I did get "comfortable" in my cycle of addiction for a long time and I did use the "excuse" of being powerless as part of that cycle.

I now believe that difficult as it is to remain sober (and believe me, I am not underestimating the difficulty that it can present), it is my choice whether I want to be sober or not and it is my responsibility (to myself, not to anyone else) to take the necessary actions to implement that decision. I'm not for one second saying that this means I will never fall again. Quite the opposite, I have no idea whether I will or will not. It simply means that if I want to then it is possible and doable; whether I actually do it in the end or not is not something I can tell in advance (and maybe that is what is meant by being powerless, but it's not the message I got). It's a little bit like running a marathon (or maybe triathlon, iron man?). If I chose to run a marathon this time next year, no doubt it is doable. It would be difficult to train for, and there is a good chance I would give up half way through. But it is an achievable goal should it be something I choose to do. Of course I can't just turn up and expect to run the marathon without training. I would need to put in concerted and regular effort and go through a whole lot of pain. But to me to say I am "powerless" over the process would simply not be helpful (or true) for me.

Now I'm not saying that anyone else should drop that approach. Certainly not if it works for you. But for me I know it was not a helpful way of looking at things and I'm really glad that I have a fresh approach to help me through the current difficulties in my life. I'm not big into suggesting what others should do as I hardly have the greatest track record myself and everyone had there own unique challenges and different things appear to be helpful for different people (and at different times). So please do feel free to ignore anything I say if it is not personally helpful to you. Only you can know that.

At some point I may do a more comprehensive post on what I am doing to stay sober (and why, which is a big part of it), but I think I'll leave it at that for this post. I feel way too preachy already and really don't want to get too big for my own boots.

Have a great Shabbos everyone.

Hakolhevel wrote on 03 Jan 2020 04:44:

Yes, that's what I'm sayin', doesn't mean it's true however.

And yes, it would be easier to kick such a habit. There are those who simply like doin' these kinds of bad stuff and then they get hooked on it.

cordnoy wrote on 02 Jan 2020 23:38:

Are your saying that there are some who go to porn not because they have inner discontent, but rather simply because they just enjoy it?

As in life is great, but it's greater with porn.

I would imagine someone with that lifestyle would have an easier time kicking the habit.

stillgoing wrote on 02 Jan 2020 22:25:

I've seen that to be true many times, but I've also seen that there are those who use porn and that stuff because it's so enjoyable.

Godspeed to you and all

360gye wrote on 02 Jan 2020 00:45:

Welcome Trying
dittos to the above.

Many of us have found that lust/shmutz is not actually our real problem, but rather its our (broken) solution to our real problem.

I know many people who were really really stuck deep in the shmutz, but managed to get out when they began to dig into their lives and figure out what's really bugging them. 

I remember years ago when I first came to gye, someone asking me "what's really bothering you in life". I had absolutely no clue and thought my life was fine - or should be anyway.  It took a long time of really digging and working on it until I began to discover so many deep seated beliefs, that were really hurting me on a daily basis.  When I began to questions those negative feelings, and work on replacing them with positive ones, I began to suddenly stay clean...

Hatzlacha on your journey. It Is usually a long process. Just make sure that you're not doing the same thing over and over again without any new results on the way.
Sg

I think this lethargy is normal, when you become to stay sober

Because you are quitting your old paths and your old friend named "addiction". And so you have new paths to find and to make in your life..

And because, perhaps, the Yetser Hara is making you depressed to make you vulnerable to a fall.

But, perhaps there is another reasons ? Do you fill your days with sane activities, to replace the addiction ?
Are you in a mood of "I don't want to fall" a or "I am working and changing my way of life" ?

I'm sincerely hoping that this is the sort of thread that I will look back on, and cherish. Here goes...

This is not the first time I've tried GYE, nor the first screen name I've had. I attempted 90 days a couple of years ago - it didn't go so well.

I've tried therapy, groups, programs other than 12-step, and so on. I've been addicted for at least 27 years, and I'm in my mid-thirties. In the last couple of decades, I went without porn and/or masturbation for 30 days only once.

In fact, in the last couple of decades, I've only gotten through a week just a couple of times.
However, I've never stopped fighting. Oh yes, I've been down, very down, but I've never felt like throwing in the towel.

So what's changed? Why do I think this time will be different? Well, I recently got a real kick in the pants. My wife and I had a beautiful baby. However, I'm afraid that there might be something terribly wrong. It's something that is not easy to tell, and is usually not diagnosed before two years of age. However, there are some early signs.

I pray and cry that my child is healthy. And I know that everything comes from Hashem. I hope that by sincerely changing, Hashem will have mercy on my family. Whether or not this is directly related, I want to use this as a springboard for my recovery. And so I am.

In fact, once I go to sleep tonight, I will have completed 8 days clean. It's not many days, but I tell you, I've only done this a handful of times in my life. It's not just an accomplishment for me, it's Herculean.

The past couple of days have had their fair share of challenges. I'm doing what I can to keep my eyes to myself, but it's a fact of life that you'll run into people in public dressed in ways that trigger you. I'm so deep in p/m that simple words can be triggers.

But I know there's hope. I know enough about the world at large, and GYE in particular, to see that there have been many before me who have walked this path, and have seen success. And so, why not me?

Have a good night,
ToSaveMyLife

Hey Tryingtochange1,

Welcome to GYE, and it really shows strength and courage on your part to join and open up about your issues. There are many helpful tools around GYE and i suggest you stay connected and try to keep posting.
I believe that everyone struggling with porn addiction is really using it because of some underlying issue they have-and since they've used it so much it becomes route. Even though you are able to find loopholes in filters, i suggest keeping one installed, and maybe report to someone whenever you struggle/fall/slip. 
I am happy to discuss this more with you at length and stay in touch with you if you are interested...360gye@gmail.com

Hakolhevel wrote on 31 Dec 2019 04:30:

I agree. The main focus should always be on our-self. There are many good things (like GYE) that can be used as tools to get to our goal but we should never forget the real focus which is identifying our issues and working on them. 

DavidT wrote on 30 Dec 2019 21:52:

It doesn't work for me, because gye is also an escape. For me the hard work is learning how to live my real life. 

Gye is great, but as a tool to learn and keep me focused and connected. To much though had never worked for me.

Just my personal experience. As they say on dansdeals YMMV

How about becoming addicted to GYE...
Read posts, reply to posts, chat with good partners, and let the other addictions evaporate! 

The key to beating any addiction is to remember that you want to break the addiction. Those two words are critical: “you want.” You can help yourself resist temptations by reminding yourself that stopping addictive behaviors is for you, and that you reallywant to stop.

Unfortunately, it just doesn’t work to try and break an addiction for someone else. You have to really really want it.

The second part is reminding yourself, especially in the heat of the moment, of what you really want. What you really want is to be clean, not to engage in the addictive behavior.

Visualization is another great tool you can use. Sit in a comfortable place. Take a deep breath, and close your eyes. Imagine yourself having the temptation. Really see yourself, feel the feelings, as if you really were having those temptations right now. Now see yourself withstanding the temptation, getting up, doing something else. Feel how wonderful it feels to be clean and victorious. Do those visualizations a few times a day—maybe every hour. You’ll be training your brain to derail your addiction.

rolemodel wrote on 26 Dec 2019 06:36:

Dont justify the negative you DONT know youre going to fall. Im 60+ days clean and sometimes/lots of times the struggle is minute to minute i kid you not. I promise you even for a guy like me who trust me maybe has stronger lusts taivos and a yetzer hara than you it does get easier if you try to take it as seriously as you can which i also know is not easy. Only worry about TODAY tomorrow will take care of itself b'ezras Hashem. Remember the possuk in mishley says sheva yipol tzadik vkom/a tzadik falls seven or more times and gets up again again again and again. Why does the possuk still call the guy a tzadik after he falls-youre a tzadik after you fall? Rav Tzadok answers yes he is still a tzadik because he keeps getting up again again and again and goes on. So Tzadik! Remember You and all your brothers are in this struggle together!