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A Journal of Joy
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!
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TOPIC: A Journal of Joy 200 Views

A Journal of Joy 02 Jan 2020 05:20 #346461

I'm sincerely hoping that this is the sort of thread that I will look back on, and cherish. Here goes...

This is not the first time I've tried GYE, nor the first screen name I've had. I attempted 90 days a couple of years ago - it didn't go so well.

I've tried therapy, groups, programs other than 12-step, and so on. I've been addicted for at least 27 years, and I'm in my mid-thirties. In the last couple of decades, I went without porn and/or masturbation for 30 days only once.

In fact, in the last couple of decades, I've only gotten through a week just a couple of times.
However, I've never stopped fighting. Oh yes, I've been down, very down, but I've never felt like throwing in the towel.

So what's changed? Why do I think this time will be different? Well, I recently got a real kick in the pants. My wife and I had a beautiful baby. However, I'm afraid that there might be something terribly wrong. It's something that is not easy to tell, and is usually not diagnosed before two years of age. However, there are some early signs.

I pray and cry that my child is healthy. And I know that everything comes from Hashem. I hope that by sincerely changing, Hashem will have mercy on my family. Whether or not this is directly related, I want to use this as a springboard for my recovery. And so I am.

In fact, once I go to sleep tonight, I will have completed 8 days clean. It's not many days, but I tell you, I've only done this a handful of times in my life. It's not just an accomplishment for me, it's Herculean.

The past couple of days have had their fair share of challenges. I'm doing what I can to keep my eyes to myself, but it's a fact of life that you'll run into people in public dressed in ways that trigger you. I'm so deep in p/m that simple words can be triggers.

But I know there's hope. I know enough about the world at large, and GYE in particular, to see that there have been many before me who have walked this path, and have seen success. And so, why not me?

Have a good night,
ToSaveMyLife
Last Edit: 02 Jan 2020 05:22 by ToSaveMyLife.

Re: A Journal of Joy 02 Jan 2020 15:27 #346470

  • DavidT
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Hi
First of all congrats on your 8 day streak, it's really amazing!

You wrote "I recently got a real kick in the pants". 
We all feel the pain and fear of this along with you and we will pray for your child to be 100% healthy.
At the same time, this might have been the best gift that Hashem has ever given you. Use the opportunity to say "NOW is the time to change". 
​We are all here together to help you get over your challenges and grow with Hashem's help. 

Please stay connected and share your progress with us so we can all rejoice in your success and wins.
I am here to be helped by helping others
ahavayirah@gmail.com
Last Edit: 02 Jan 2020 15:28 by DavidT.

Re: A Journal of Joy 02 Jan 2020 19:32 #346475

  • Iampowerless
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Hi @tosavealife welcome onboard. Happy to hear that you have given therapy and groups a chance, but why do you so strongly refuse live 12 step groups?

Lots of people like you who have tried everything else were only able to stop in live SA meetings, i understand right now you are inspired to stop as a z'chus for your son but inspiration without a proven constant program unfortunately usually fades away pretty quickly and will not keep you sober, but SA might don't you think it's worth a shot?

 Wishing you all the best Yankel
Important quote from Cordnoy
"The need is a perceived one. There has not been one reported case on these pages of a death occurrin' on account of not fulfillin' that need

“I avoid looking forward or backward, and try to keep looking upward.” 

"My recovery must come first so that everything I love in life doesn’t have to come last."

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Re: A Journal of Joy 02 Jan 2020 21:55 #346477

  • Dave M
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Beautifully written!  May Hashem grant you success in your journey and your child a complete refuah Shlema.

Re: A Journal of Joy 03 Jan 2020 02:37 #346483

Thank you all for the encouragement, that's why I came here!

As for your question, @Iampowerless, I'm not adverse to SA meetings. I realize my original post wasn't clear - the 'groups' that I was referring to was of the Anonymous type. I've also done phone meetings with Dovid Chaim years back (though I am aware that over the phone is not the same as in person).

I may indeed join an SA group, and I have been looking into finding one that I can attend with regularity.
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