Maybe the term "struggling" needs to be clarified. When I wrote a majority are struggling, I did not mean that a majority of yidden are sex addicts (although the survey referenced by Menachem is quite worrisome). I meant that having spoken to many high school and bais medrash aged fellows, I find that I am hearing comments like "Yeah, most guys in my yeshiva admit to watching pornography once in a while" or "Our chabura made a group challenge for a month to stay clean". Statements such as these seem to imply that the percentage of our bochurim and newly marrieds who have been exposed is very high. To what extent do they "struggle"? That depends on the meaning of the word. Most definitely wish they had never been exposed in the first place. 
Regarding masturbation, based on conversations with many guys, it appears that there is a lot of yi'ush out there. That does not mean every one is doing it every day. It just means that to some extent or another, it is going on. Truthfully, it has always been an issue, but in our society with so much triggering material abounding, it has gotten worse. One comment that a 23 year old bochur who was not heavy into pornography said, "Let's face it - there are the guys who admit to masturbating, and there are liars." Although this statement is definitely an exaggeration, I think any mashgiach/mental health professional/chosson rebbi will tell you that it isn't too far off the mark.

What’s in a name does matter.
“Labels are for clothing not for people,” goes a popular saying. A more honest version would go like this: “Labels are for clothing and other people, but don’t you dare try to label me!”

Most people hate to be labeled but love labeling others. As complex human beings, we resist being reduced to a neat little package. Our souls yearn to be free, unbridled and authentic, so we chafe at being boxed into the constraints of societal categories.

The core distinction between a positive use of labels and a negative one is: Labels are constructive when they provide clarity and help foster dialogue and understanding. But all too often people use labels for the exact opposite purpose – to write themselves or others off and shut down recovery possibilities and communication. 

“By continuing to use the term “addict”, treatment providers are doing a disservice to their patients and potentially negating progress towards destigmatization and successful long-term treatment.”
~ Brian Sherman, PhD, Center for Motivation and Change

 The known concept of "Once an addict, always an addict" is not AA dogma, but rather AA suggestion and this advice is only appropriate or honest when applied to addicts.

For many people, the term “addict” is a helpful way of identifying symptoms and issues, and finding a way to connect and bond with others in a healthy way that promotes change. However, when that term creates a prolonged sense of failure or guilt which ultimately may lead to relapse (negative emotions are one of the strongest predictors of relapse) or prevent someone from seeking help in the first place (because they don’t want to accept the label, and the stigma that is associated with it), I question its utility.

People are people first, before they develop an addiction. Just as they are people before they develop heart disease, diabetes, or depression. The “addict” label suggests the whole person is the problem, rather than the problem being the problem. A person with a substance abuse problem has a far better chance at recovery than a person who is the problem him or herself at their core.

Thank you! That means alot. Hope to continue to inspire and gain inspiration from all of you!I

Thank you. I definitely feel it's an individual thing. And if you draw the line too high and you're consistently falling, it kills the motivation and gets more and more difficult to get back up. So for me, I know my yetzer hora will use porn to get me to act out. The inherent addiction for me at the moment is not in watching, it's in acting out. So if I can break free of that addiction, my desire to watch porn goes down alot. So when I slipped and started watching and then exited, for me that was a massive win and I'm proud of that.

Of course I'm not condoning watching it, nor do I want to continue. There are other reasons I want to stop watching and I'm fighting that too. Just in this case for me I felt it was important to take the win and not count a fall.

This letter is being written to a very special person that is struggling greatly and wants to be good. I'm writing it here since you have not contacted me in the last few days...

Dear chaver!
We worked together for a few weeks and your struggles with lust seemed to be unimaginable difficult. You showed so much courage by contacting me when you felt weak and expressing your desire to stop acting out.

Then a few days ago you told me that you're giving up...
You told me that you fell to an extreme low (I won't here list the actions you told me that you did) and "its over with me for this gilgul"...

Such painful words, Hashem is crying together with us...

Please remember that you might have given up but your loving father in heaven has not given up on you... he is giving you life because he has faith in you. Please reach out again and we'll work to connect you to the right people and programs that have helped so many others recover from addiction and put their lives together again.
You deserve a happy & healthy good life and BE"H you'll have it.

The Gemara says: "In a place where a ba'al teshuva stands, even a full tzaddik cannot stand" (Brachot 34b). The idea is that by having sunk to the lowest depths, and then genuinely turning one's life around, the distance traveled in a positive direction is so great that it even exceeds those who have always been on the plus-side.

It is out of Hashem's love for us that He gives us such a method of getting back on track. Put the guilt, shame, embarrassment, and negativity behind you. Let them go, and return. We need you & are all waiting to hear back from you very soon!

gma316 wrote on 30 Jan 2020 02:06:

Welcome, sounds like you're doin' real swell. Perhaps ask your Rav/mashgiach that question. Personally for me, and for others that are here (but not for all), this question needed to be shelved and put away until we were able to get life under control (not necessarily our control, but that it should resemble a life worth livin'). There will God-willin' be lots of time later to focus on teshuvah, distance or closeness to our Father in Heaven and death by the Heavenly Tribunal. That is not our focus at the present time. (I speak for myself and for others I know, this is not for all.)

Godspeed

gma316 wrote on 30 Jan 2020 02:06:

The yetzer hara uas lured you into a serious in your perspective of falling whether porn and or masturbation. You should not have any focus on the onesh at all. The only thing you should be concerned about is how falling affects and distances you from your relationship with Hashem your Father who you should with every day intimately from the bottom of your heart and soul and tell Him and maybe even cry and say to Hashem that you know that falling has put you further away from Him and how close you really want to Him. That is one of the main keys to not falling knowing how falling brings you further from Hashem your Father. The possuk in mishley says sheva yipol tzadik vkom- a tzadik falls seven times and gets up again. How come the possuk says a tzadik falls are you a tzadik after you fall?! Rav tzadok says yes he is still a tzadik because he gets up again again and again that thats what makes him a tzadik. So Tzadik get up again again and again and again. As long as youre really committed to fighting this struggle you are still a shomer habris. Keep strong our brother@

gma316 wrote on 30 Jan 2020 02:06:

Anxiety should be worked on and eradicated 

Fightingaddictionnow wrote on 30 Jan 2020 02:03:


I just want to commend you for what you said, "I've slipped and watched a little of what I shouldn't but didn't act out and that's a win in my book." You are the specialist on your life and you are the one who gets to make the call on what is and what isn't a win. Great going! You inspired me!

Fightingaddictionnow wrote on 30 Jan 2020 02:03:

Of course!
many are reading this and getting inspired... you have no idea how big of a zechus you have to be mezake es horabim...
keep on going and keep us posted on your amazing journey.

gma316 wrote on 30 Jan 2020 02:06:

First of all,  welcome back!
it's so good to have people like that are trying to serve hashem on a high level you on this forum.
Please read this post and tell me if it gives you some clarity...
guardyoureyes.com/forum/15-The-Torah-amp-Chizuk-Approach/346921-Proper-Perspective-On-Sin-And-Punishment

It has been a long time since I posted, and I may have posted about this in the past but I do not remember.  This site has helped me in ways I never thought possible, and I thank everyone for that, I have gone periods of close to 125 days, but I still keep falling again.  One thing that hovers over me is the consequences of my actions against Hashem, specifically the misas bedeyi shamyim (death from heaven).  This thought remains with me 24/7 and I feel it causes me to get more depressed at times which in turn leads to more addiction problems.  Does anyone have any advice for help or sources in Torah that I can look at to help me with this and do a proper Teshuvah. 

Thank you, everyone, again. 

Maintenance

The last stage in the stages of change is called Maintenance. On average, you reach this stage if you've been in the action stage for 3-6 months without relapsing (i.e. without giving up in middle). 

During Maintenance, we still need to remain alert for infrequent triggers that happen infrequently (changing jobs, dating, get engaged/married, have a baby, summer vacation / yomim tovim).

If we've went through the previous stages successfully, such nisyonos (temptations) won't be as intense as they seem, but they still might be tempting, as we still have a "soft spot" for porn/masturbation. 

Therefore, just like in action, we need to remain alert:

• We need to continue using urge management techniques whenever we get tempted. (Hopefully by now it's second nature)
• Since we're still not immune to our old behavior, we need to do our best keep a healthy distance from them by avoiding triggers and urges as much as possible.
• Porn serves as an escape from stress. If that's the case for you, then learning and practicing healthy coping skills can reduce the yearning for it. You can learn the SMART techniques by getting the SMART handbook or by joining SMART meetings. You can use online resources or therapy to learn CBT, Mindfulness or relaxation techniques. 

These are all things you have already started working on in the Action stage. What's new in the Maintenance stage is a focus on Lifestyle Balance. The more satisfying our life is, the less appeal our old addictive behaviors will have.

In SMART Recovery, this is divided into 2 areas:

1. ​Lifestyle Balance - Dealing with important areas of your life that are not getting enough attention.
2. Adding Pleasant Activities. If we focus too much on "shoulds" without balancing them with kosher pleasures it can lead to relapse. Such activities also improves our mood which makes us more resistant to temptation.[1]

Mr. Gary Wilson, in Your Brain on Porn makes some specific suggestions:


Another author, Mr. Andrew Ferebee, in The Porn Pandemic elaborates on how balancing our life can help make us more resistant to porn/masturbation addiction:


Living a balance life is not all or nothing. The more balanced our life is, the less temptation we will have and the lower the risk of relapse. It doesn't need to be perfect. 

In an ideal world, we can reach a point where we don't miss porn and masturbation at all. Where we've created a lifestyle that is as fulfilling, comfortable and satisfying without porn, as it was previously with porn. Where we don't feel that anything significant is missing from our life because we gave up porn and masturbation. In that case, the level of temptation goes down to level of regular men who were never addicted. This can happen if you're happily married and the level of struggle was also on the lower end of the spectrum. 

Otherwise, keep in mind the following words of the Tanya (Ch. 27):



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[1] This rationale is explained in Hester and Miller, Handbook of Alcoholism Treatment Approaches, 3rd Edition, in the chapter on the Community Reinforcement Approach.

Today's parents have plenty of new things to worry about -- concerns not even on the parental radar screen of the previous generation. Among them is the potential harm of children falling prey to Internet use and abuse.

There are steps that parents can take to reduce the chances that their child will fall prey.

1. Pay attention to your child's mood. If your child is discouraged, disappointed, dejected or disgruntled, don't assume that his unhappiness is only a brief, temporary state of mind which will pass by itself. If your child is chronically unhappy, you must attempt to uncover the origin of his discontent. If, however, you ignore his sadness, he may turn to his computer for comfort and/or escape, which will render him extremely vulnerable to falling prey to an internet addiction.

2. Cancel your home internet connection. (Yes, it really is possible to live without it.) Even without an internet connection, computers can be used for word processing, computer games, compiling and storing lists for shopping, simcha invitations or family finances etc. Today you can also get internet connection accessible only for email usage. Canceling your internet access will not render your computer obsolete or your child out of touch.

3. If you must have an internet connection at home, installing strong filters, website blockers, monitoring systems and security measures are a MUST.

4. Insist that the computer be kept in a central location at home. Keeping the computer in a more public space can deter your child from using it to join an on-line poker game or to view pornography.

If your child is already addicted, do not despair. It is still possible to change the situation -- but rational arguments, I'm afraid, will be completely useless in this battle. Reasoning with an internet addict is like trying to extinguish a house fire with a squirt gun.

Assessing if your child has Internet Addiction
According to some experts, five of the following criteria must be met within one year for someone to qualify as having an internet addiction issue.

-Preoccupation or obsession with Internet apps.
-Withdrawal symptoms when not using Internet apps (anxiety, anger, lack of focus).
-A build-up of tolerance–more and more time needs to be spent using the apps.
-The child has tried to stop or curb playing Internet games or using the apps, but has failed to do so.
The child has had a loss of interest in other life activities, such as hobbies.
-A child has had continued overuse of Internet games even with the knowledge of how much they impact their life.
-The child lied to others about his or her Internet usage.
-The child uses Internet activity to relieve anxiety or guilt–it’s a way to escape.
-The child has lost or put at risk an opportunity or relationship because of Internet activity.

Does your child fit these criteria? The second one in the list, “Withdrawal symptoms,” is one that is often used when parents ask , “how much screen time is too much?” The response is, “if you take it away, and it creates an emotional response, then however much time they currently spend on devices is too much. Removal of digital screens should not create an emotional response. Or, that’s a problem.”

Here is some more info how to help a child that has internet addiction...

SMART Recovery dedicates a quarter of their program (Point 4) to the topic of Living a Balanced Life. The Fortify program also dedicates a quarter of their program (weeks 7,8 and 9) to this topic.


Here are links to a few SMART worksheets that deal with lifestyle balance:

1. The Lifestyle Balance Pie
2. Hobby & Enjoyable Activities Worksheet. SMART Recovery loves abbreviations... This worksheet is called "Vital Absorbing Creative Interest" - VACI).
3. List of ideas of activities you may enjoy

This can be worked on during any point of recovery, but main time to focus on this is when we've completed the Action stage of recovery. See here for more info. 

For more on this topic, read this post.

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[1] Glasner-Edwards, Suzette. The Addiction Recovery Skills Workbook: Changing Addictive Behaviors Using CBT, Mindfulness, and Motivational Interviewing Techniques (New Harbinger Self-help Workbooks) quoting Green and Kagel 1996; Higgins, Alessi, and Dantona 2002.

Action

The action stage is the time we implement the plan, revise it as necessary, deal with falls and slips, and use strategies to prevent relapse. The goal is to create a new pattern of behavior.

When we're in the Action stage, we're no longer thinking or talking about change, we're actually doing something about it. We're taking our plan, and implementing it step by step:

• We actually use the urge management techniques we've selected in our plan when we get hit by an urge.
• We take action to avoid triggers and urges as much as possible.
• If we have a slip or fall, we check our plan to see if anything needs to be revised and get right back on track. See here for more info.

On average we remain in this stage for 3-6 months, and then move to the maintenance stage. (Just to be clear, this does not mean that you need a 3-6-months clean without a single fall, only that you are working on the change for 3-6 months without giving up in middle.) 

Why does it take so much time?

Quitting a habit or addiction has been compared to "leaving an intense love relationship" [1]. It takes time to adjust. There are many activities or feelings that we experience during the day, that until now have been associated with acting out, and it takes time and energy to disrupt these connections. [2]


Also, many people find social support to become increasingly important during action. It can help a lot to have someone you can update about your progress. If you're not part of a 12-step meeting, you can find someone to talk to using the mentor/partner program. Of course, you can also post about it in the forum.   

Action is also the time to deal with any underlying issues and attitudes that feed the addictive behavior. Dealing with these issues can help us prevent relapse, and it makes it possible to sustain our new behavior for the long term.

The 12-step program and SMART Recovery have very different approaches on how to deal with underlying issues.12-step programs focuses on spiritual and character development, while SMART Recovery (and therapy in general) focuses on learning how to cope with unhelpful thoughts and feelings. 

Regardless if you join a 12-step program, SMART Recovery, start therapy, or try to work it out on your own, the stages are always the same. 

Preventing Relapse
There are many definitions to the terms slip, fall, lapse, and relapse. In the stages of change, it's defined as follows:


The bottom line is that as long as we didn't give up trying on this change attempt, we remain in the Action stage. If we do give up on this attempt it is called a relapse. This is a setback that brings us back to one of the earlier stages. But even if that happens, it does not mean that we cannot change. It's common to cycle through the stages a few times before reaching permanent change. Each time this happens, we can learn lessons from the previous attempts and create a plan that addresses the weak points in our previous plans.   

For this reason, the amount of "clean days" we have on the 90 day chart, or the length of time that passes since our "sobriety date" doesn't tell the full story of how far we've come. One guy might have 0 days clean and be in the Contemplation stage, and another guy can have 0 days clean, but be close to finishing the Action stage. What a world of difference!

For more on this topic, click here.

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[1] Peele, S. (1985). Meaning of addiction: Compulsive experience and its interpretation. Lexington, MA: Lexington Books, as quoted in DiClemente, Carlo C.. Addiction and Change.

[2] Addiction and change Ch. 1.
[3] Ibid, see there for references. This has been studied with substance addiction, so it might not apply to other addictions.