It has been a long time since I posted, and I may have posted about this in the past but I do not remember.  This site has helped me in ways I never thought possible, and I thank everyone for that, I have gone periods of close to 125 days, but I still keep falling again.  One thing that hovers over me is the consequences of my actions against Hashem, specifically the misas bedeyi shamyim (death from heaven).  This thought remains with me 24/7 and I feel it causes me to get more depressed at times which in turn leads to more addiction problems.  Does anyone have any advice for help or sources in Torah that I can look at to help me with this and do a proper Teshuvah. 

Thank you, everyone, again. 

gma316 wrote on 30 Jan 2020 02:06:

First of all,  welcome back!
it's so good to have people like that are trying to serve hashem on a high level you on this forum.
Please read this post and tell me if it gives you some clarity...
guardyoureyes.com/forum/15-The-Torah-amp-Chizuk-Approach/346921-Proper-Perspective-On-Sin-And-Punishment

gma316 wrote on 30 Jan 2020 02:06:

Anxiety should be worked on and eradicated 

First of all, If by doing a “tikun” you indirectly wind up acting out even more, it is impossible to believe that Hashem actually wants you to do this! For example, if one compulsively forces himself to tovel in the mikva every day, causing himself 
anxiety, thought rumination, as well as guilt when he has no time to go, then I am confident to say that Hashem does not want this. 


What else can a person do for teshuva which is safe and  effective? What else can be done to accomplish “tikun habris”?
1) Don’t do it again: The Sefarim say that the main way to demonstrate teshuva 
to Hashem is…….badabum…..to stop doing the behavior! This includes making 
an effort to stop as well, speaking to somebody that can possibly help you, 
and sitting down and making a list of healthy strategies to help you cut down 
and stop. If it is compulsive for you and you cannot stop, so what?!-you can 
still be mikayeim “don’t do it again” by getting in touch with something or 
somebody that can help you stop.

2) Torah study: 
Torah study is a direct way of fixing one’s bris, and not just an “excuse to distract 
you” from feeling depressed. 

3) Helping others:  this one is the most comforting and eye-opening method-even if one is still struggling to stop, he can do teshuva by helping others to stop!
There is an age-old debate amongst the Tzadikim whether a person can be 
involved in helping others to keep mitzvos if they themselves are still having a 
rough time with those issues. According to one side of Tzadikim, you can 
certainly be involved in helping others-not as an authority per se, but as a 
support person who gives chizuk or practical advice which once helped you. 
Accordingly, it is not strange to find some Tzadikim write that helping others 
to be shomer bris, or even just strengthen Torah observance in general, is a 
way to do teshuva and tikun habris.
Here are examples:
--- Spread Torah and Shmiras Bris to others
o Ask a Rav in your town to start an inspiring shiur on Chassidus, Mussar, or 
Halacha that will make an impact in your area. Find some friends to attend, 
do a little advertising, and bring a soft drink and cups. Of course, you also 
need to attend and pay attention!
o Donate money to an organization that is already helping people with shmiras 
bris, or for keeping Torah in general. ( Like gaurdyoureyes)


There are many torah  sources that clearly state that these days teshuva is much easier than in the previous generations. Teshuvah is a lifelong job. When one repents through the love of G-d, his past sins become changed into merits. The Ramba"m says that true teshuvah means that you have the same opportunity to sin as you did before -- and the same desire, and yet you don't. If you reach that, you will know that you have done true Teshuvah.

Thank you this is truly helpful 

gma316 wrote on 30 Jan 2020 02:06:

The yetzer hara uas lured you into a serious in your perspective of falling whether porn and or masturbation. You should not have any focus on the onesh at all. The only thing you should be concerned about is how falling affects and distances you from your relationship with Hashem your Father who you should with every day intimately from the bottom of your heart and soul and tell Him and maybe even cry and say to Hashem that you know that falling has put you further away from Him and how close you really want to Him. That is one of the main keys to not falling knowing how falling brings you further from Hashem your Father. The possuk in mishley says sheva yipol tzadik vkom- a tzadik falls seven times and gets up again. How come the possuk says a tzadik falls are you a tzadik after you fall?! Rav tzadok says yes he is still a tzadik because he gets up again again and again that thats what makes him a tzadik. So Tzadik get up again again and again and again. As long as youre really committed to fighting this struggle you are still a shomer habris. Keep strong our brother@

gma316 wrote on 30 Jan 2020 02:06:

Welcome, sounds like you're doin' real swell. Perhaps ask your Rav/mashgiach that question. Personally for me, and for others that are here (but not for all), this question needed to be shelved and put away until we were able to get life under control (not necessarily our control, but that it should resemble a life worth livin'). There will God-willin' be lots of time later to focus on teshuvah, distance or closeness to our Father in Heaven and death by the Heavenly Tribunal. That is not our focus at the present time. (I speak for myself and for others I know, this is not for all.)

Godspeed

Just to add a source to what cordonoy wrote:


In the sefer מתנת חיים he adds in the name of R' Matisyahu Salomon:

The Chida (Nachal Kidumim, Bo) quotes Reb Shlomo Istaruk zt'l (a rishon in the era of the Ra'n and Ritv'a) who taught that Pharaoh had the option to do teshuvah, even after Hashem hardened his heart. It would be difficult, but if he wanted to, he could do teshuvah, because the gates of teshuvah are always open.

The Gemara (Pesachim 86:) states, "You must do everything your baal habayis (host) tells you to do except when he tells you to leave." The Reishis Chachmah (Shaar HaKedushah 21) explains that this is hinting to those times when, keviyachol, Hashem (or the lessons stated in holy sefarim) tell a person that he must leave and distance himself from Hashem's presence, because he sinned too much. One doesn’t have to listen to that. You listen to the baal habayis, the King of the world, and you follow all His rules, except for when He tells you to leave, because the gates of teshuvah are always open

Thank you so.much I have been getting g so much chizik from everyone's help